1.5 Meses

6-7 weeks old is probably my favorite age, ever! Why? Baby boy isn't teething, he's sleeping fairly well, he's really starting to use his voice and stay awake during the day longer (which isn't as terrible as I predicted it to be.. yet), he doesn't talk yet, which means he can't talk back! AND he's not crawling and getting into things yet. He's still just a little baby who's learning more and more each day.

Tomorrow he turns 8 weeks, and I can tell he's already changing. I sleep with him at night (take me away, I'm terrible!) and he has become SO INCREDIBLY SQUIRMY that I wake up to punches every morning. In the face. IN. THE. FAAAACE (the Hangover, anyone? anyone?) He's now starting to squirm when he's eating, which means not only am I getting kicked in the stomach, hips, legs, wherever, but I also have a fussy baby in my arms because my nipple keeps magically disappearing from his mouth.

G caught us snuggling one morning

He is such a little talker. Oh my. My heart can't handle how cute my whole family is-I think it may explode soon. He just talks up a storm to his hands, me, toys, or the tv. The noises and coos are so much stronger than they used to be. Today is Halloween and he's going to be a dinosaur. I think it'll be the perfect outfit for when he makes his pterodactyl mating calls that come out of him mostly when he's about to poop. I love this baby! I wish I could just have a baby. Like when you get a dog, they relatively stay a dog... they don't grow up, learn to yell at you, defy you, become old and run off and get married. Well, I want a baby who will just stay a baby. Now I understand why people keep popping them out. They probably think, "Damn, my child really isn't as cute as he was when he was a baby, let's just make another one so we can have a baby back in the house."

Speaking of seconds, I've considered greatly only having one baby for many selfish reasons. 1. My body and labor did not find each other cute. 2. These late night feeds also aren't cute. 3. I really don't think I will be able to handle this munchkin between ages 2 and 4 (originally where baby #2 would have come into play) 4. I already have 4 mouths to feed everyday, not including my husband. 5. I am terrified that my next baby will have a +1 attached to it. Call me crazy, but my biggest fear is more than one baby at a time. I only signed up for 2 as my maximum number of kids so if we get an extra surprise, I haven't quite started a savings account to hire a nanny. Plus, I'm an independent lady. I don't think I'd cooperate well with another person in my house on a day-to-day basis.

My little fall baby. Enjoying some leaves before we go back home to snow

Again, I haven't completely ruled out a second. Why? I still want a girl to dress up in bows and tutus. Also, I know it'd be awesome for Ryan to have a sibling to grow up with, especially since we plan to move every few years. AND when my little nephew who is four sees our Donut Baby, he is so freaking adorable with him (he gives baby Ry hugs and kisses and sings to him), it makes me want to have that in our family. Of course, there's the giant chance that Ry would be jealous of a baby instead of in love. I guess we'll see.

This would be the part where I discuss the process of baby making and what sex is like after a baby, however I think too many family members read this blog and I'm sure my husband wouldn't appreciate it either. I think I may save this topic for a rainy day, but here's a warning, I will write about it at some point because the main reason I started this blog was to show the reality of pregnancy, labor and motherhood rather than sugar coat things. To me, that was the most helpful part when it came to learning about pregnancy, and I'd like to pass the info along to other first-time mommy's (there's a Facebook group I'm in... I'm lame, I get it, but it was so incredibly helpful those 9 months!)

I'm still not yet back home to Alaska. I just booked my flight yesterday and I leave in one week-Nov. 6, Ry's 2 month... birthday? Aside from the circumstances as to why we came home, I've been enjoying my time with family. We got free tickets to go see the Blackhawks on Sunday which was awesome since G and I have never seen a game together. We've gone to Alaska Aces games, which suck so much they're fun. Personally, I'd rather watch a hockey game than any other sport. I even told myself in high school that I'd marry a hockey player. Of course, I now retract that statement because I don't want a man who takes out his teeth at night for another 5 decades or so. It was a very fun night! We also took our little man out to Cantigny to look at the WWII tanks and walk around Gen. McArthur's estate. We decided we're going to retire in our big house on a plantation in the south. Looks like I better start searching for a job!

Ry's first football game! Watching his uncle play :)

We've also just enjoyed each other's company. G leaves to go back overseas on Wednesday so I'm trying to soak him up as much as possible. I can't believe I have to say goodbye AGAIN. I'm back into a stage where I just want to burst into tears. We're already down 1 month, but another 8 months still a long ass time. The emotional stress of having to go through this AGAIN is annoying-just look at all the zits on my face and you'll be able to tell my state of being. Seriously, these last 5 weeks have just been incredibly unpredictable and not in our favor. I'm really doing my best not to fall apart and avoid contact with the outside world. I think when I get home, I'll get my little fur babies (I miss their faces) and spend a day on the couch just trying to decompress and get my life together.

I miss working out. I miss going to the gym and doing Zumba. I have lots of goals for November (including less sugar..yikes, more water, more protein and veggies, and getting my body back into shape-aka cardio, toning and flexibility). I start teaching again in December which is AWESOME and I can't wait. Although I can, because I've only worked myself back up to about 30 mins of Zumba. This "vacation" has been kind of a set back. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start working out a little each day, and sticking to it! No more excuses. Which means today, I can binge eat Halloween candy (if there's no chocolate in it) and be a lazy bum. Last day. Ready, go.

As I said, next week I'll have a 2 month old baby. Where has the time gone??? He grows so much every day! My biceps can't keep up with him (another reason I've got to get back into shape). He's such a strong little man and slowly growing some baby fat. Before I know it, he's going to be walking. I caved and got What to Expect Your First Year. This book has been an incredible tool! I love it! No, I'm not one of those mom's who goes by the book and thinks there's a "right" and "wrong" for motherhood-which is why I love it. It gives so many tips and suggestions and offers stages that my baby may be at in this point of his life. It also clearly and repetitively states that not every baby is at the same pace and that's OKAY because it's not a competition, which makes me feel better about mothering as well. I strongly suggest it to anyone who craves knowledge like I do.

Once things settle down, I'll probably get to post more updates. I feel like there's so much I miss out on when writing. Life has been hectic, and it probably will be until the day before I leave. At times like these, it's best to take it one day at a time. Today, we're taking Ry Ry trick or treating and to my mom's school's Halloween parade. I'm glad his daddy at least gets to be here for one holiday. Until next time!

6 Weeks, and then some...

This past week has been a giant lesson for me in how to be a wife and a mother. It has not been an easy week. I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with my doctors appointment. I went to my postpartum check up and the midwife there basically was looking for any signs of depression. She pretty much told me that since I had makeup on and was dressed nicely (ah thank you) she wasn't concerned about me-which I also said she shouldn't be because I'm honestly handling things okay.

When I got home, my uncle called (my husbands side) and told me that my mother-in-law was in a coma and they had no way to get a hold of G. I told them I'd try to do what I could to reach my man who was deployed. Now 2:35 Alaska time means that it's the dead middle of the night my husbands time. I sent him a FB message and texted his phone to call me. I then contacted the American Red Cross emergency line to try to send a message about what happened and to contact his family.

Okay, small vent. I don't think an EMERGENCY line should have an option to put you on hold. Well, that's the first thing that I had to do. I'm sitting there, hands shaking from hearing such terrible news, on hold! Luckily, I didn't have to hold for long, however I was still a little annoyed. That, and I had 2 dropped calls during the process. Figures. So I give them all the info they need; I even call back with further info and what do they tell me? "They may or may not call you back." My question was how do I know if they contact my husband. That sounded reliable...

Daddy and son

It wasn't. This might not be accurate, however I was informed that they would contact people, who contact people, who contact my husband's unit overseas, who informs him. Well, instead, they contacted his unit back home who couldn't get a hold of anyone (which is why I called Red Cross in the first place because we couldn't reach anyone else). Basically, 11 hours later, I got an email saying they finally reached my husband who should be contacting me soon.

Before these 11 hours passed, I did everything I could think of to wake him up. I texted his phone probably 30 times hoping the noise would bother him. I even called his international phone, not caring about the charge, however it started talking to me in German, so I hung up. Turns out, his phone was turned off and didn't get any of the texts. Well, I had also skyped him another 30 times, hoping that noise would wake him up. I spent all of Thursday trying to get a hold of him, and just basically waiting for him to wake up.

He finally woke up and messaged me. Telling him that his mother was in a coma was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. I had to type it (I really don't think I could have gotten the words out of my mouth) and wait for him. Knowing I couldn't be there to just hold him and let him talk was heart breaking. Being so far from someone you love while they hurt is nothing short of miserable. I knew he was breaking, and I could do nothing.

We started making arrangements for both of us to go home. This is where I am so grateful for the Army. They may eff you over a few times and give you the run around and crappy services, however this case made up for all the screw ups we've been through. They not only paid for G's ticket home, they arranged and paid for mine AND baby Ryan's. I know traveling with an infant under the age of 1 is free, but when I got to the gate to arrange my seats, I found out that they booked us two seats for extra room. I nearly burst into happy tears. Also, I had amazing support on base where spouses took care of my pups last minute, knowing I have no set date when I'll be back. Making everything come together in less than 24 hours was so stressful (just look at the zits on my face) and seeing people pull through for you in a time of need is priceless.

Okay, so I had to fly with my 6 week old son for the first time. Thoughts? I was terrified he'd be the baby on the plane screaming the whole time. Guess what? He did AMAZING. Our first flight to Minneapolis was 5 hours. He slept for 4, and the last hour, we played quietly until we landed. However, after we docked (docked? I know it wasn't a boat, but whatever) and I had to get our stuff situated, he started to freak out. We were in the very last row. Last ones to get out. The plane was super hot, I had no space to try to squeeze him into my ergo carrier and he was not feeling it. I had to walk to the back and bounce him around until pretty much everyone else left. The second flight was only 2 hours, and he slept the whole time. Like I said, this baby was AMAZING. I was very very very relieved.

Baby's first flight!! He did so well. 

I'll stop with the play by plays, otherwise we'd be here forever. After circling the international terminal a million times, we found Greg. We made a few stops then went over to the hospital. The next day, his mother passed. I tend to be a very emotional person, and I never thought I could be that person that someone can rely on in times like this, but I held myself together and did my best just to be there while everyone said their goodbyes. I shake thinking about this moment. Because we're never really around his family, living half a country away in the middle of the arctic tundra, I sometimes don't feel too much like a wife because I usually just go home to my family for certain occasions. I sometimes just feel like a girlfriend, best friend, roommate, or even fiancé, but that day, I felt like a wife. I realized that I have a whole second half of family (some I never even met til that weekend) which I am a part of, and watching my husband's mother die, is watching my mother die.

This week, the family made funeral arrangements for this Saturday. G's mom did not have life insurance, nor assets to cover the cost of the funeral, nor is she married. We found out it's going to cost the family $14K for everything. Actually, not everything-a lot of fees were wavered. We are going to split the cost with his uncle, however it's still a lot of money all of a sudden to have to pay-for both halves. We started an online site for donations in case any friends or family are willing to help us out (click here to donate). We are appreciating all of the support we've been receiving so far. It's amazing how moments like these show people's true colors.

Selfiessss. This is only half the family. 

I must say, despite the reason why we had to come home, it really is nice that both G and I are home with our baby hanging with his side of the family and getting to know them more than the few times we've hung out-and also letting Ryan meet his new aunts, uncles and cousins! I really didn't think the opportunity for Ryan would come until we were out of Alaska so I'm blessed that he's able to bond with family even sooner. He's one spoiled baby! And loving every second of it :)

Okay, so this baby has prevented me from writing this all in one sitting. I have no idea if I said all that I need to say, if my paragraphs even get to the point, or if things flow at all. My main points: being a wife means a whole lot more than saying, "I do", this week has been the hardest week of our lives, and I'm glad Ryan is meeting his family. Yeah, there's my conclusion. Time to change some poop!

5 Weeks In

So it looks like this baby is here to stay. I can't believe I have a one month old! He is becoming giant. We had a drs. appt on Monday and he weighed 9 lbs 15 oz. He's such a turkey! I fall more and more in love with this little man each day. He is honestly so adorably sweet and he really is a good baby. Plus, he's getting much better at sleeping at night, which means I'm getting less and less grumpy and wanting to shank people. Last night, I put him to sleep at 10, he slept until 1, went back to bed by 2, then slept til 5:30. FANTASTIC.

I have to admit, I've only had a total of 4 days alone with him. My parents were here for 10 days and now my bff is visiting me. However, those four days were pretty easy. I'm not overwhelmed at all-yet- and the fact that the first month flew by makes me incredibly excited and hopeful that time will pass before daddy can come home and experience what I am, and also help me out :p I send him emails every night before I go to bed giving him play-by-plays of what we do every day. I also send tons of pictures and take videos that I upload to youtube. I want him to be as involved as possible from half a world away.

Ry's getting so much more playful. And by playful, I mean staring at things and making little noises. My play time with Ryan is also my play time with Denali-one hand waves toys in baby's face while the other plays fetch. Talk about mastering multi-tasking. I absolutely love watching him even though I'm not a baby person at all, but I can sit and watch this angel all day. Which is good, because I have to anyway.

We had baby's first bath! He did such a good job :) 

I was extremely disappointed that I didn't have a girl. Key word: was. Now, I love my man so much that I can't even imagine buying all pink and ruffles. I love buying monkeys and dinosaurs, and sports. I am loving everything boy. Although, he's already a super gassy baby which makes me worried for his teenage years. I'm not ready for a teenage boy in my house, nor do I think I'll ever be! I'm doing my best to cherish each moment I get with this sweet face.

As for me, I'm still not really working out. I feel completely healed now! I think next week, I'm going to really work on fitting in exercise each day and eating healthy. I bought my first pair of jeans! Non-maternity jeans. I thought I owed myself a new pair. I'm only one pant size above my pre-pregancy weight and that's only because my stomach is still kind of flabby. I can fit into my regular size and zip em up, but I really didn't feel like walking around with muffin top all over the place. I also bought a couple new tops :) I really don't need any new clothes, but I'm an addict. Plus, I've kind of already kicked G out of our closet so I have space to expand (I'm such a terrible wife).

I had my 27th birthday this week. My handsome boy took my out to sushi! First time since before pregnancy. YUM! It was so amazing. 

In all honesty, these dogs are harder to deal with than the baby. Ryan's so easy going. It sucks that I have to coordinate my days around his schedule, but the absolute hardest part of every day is trying to squeeze in all of Belle's 9 freaking eye drops! They can't be back-to-back, they have to be spaced out. It suck suck sucks. That's the worst, but it's not the only thing I have to deal with for them. I recently took Denali to the vet and he told me he's too skinny (he's a super, high energy dog) so I should be feeding him proteins such as raw meat or cooked chicken and rice or cottage cheese. You know, things I have, according to the vet, in my kitchen. Yeah, I have time to prepare an entrée for my dog while I sit and eat my boxed mac n cheese. My solution was to buy some plain yogurt and mix it with his dog food. It's hard now because the other two try to steal his yogurt. Ugh...

Ryan's first pumpkin!! We're pumped for Halloween :)

While I'm trying to fatten him up, I'm still trying to keep Belle skinny (she's been dieting/working out for 2 years now). So I have two completely different situations to deal with. And then Cato gets his teeth brushed every day... and people wonder how I'm dealing with my husband being gone. By the time I get every critter in my house taken care of, the day is over and I didn't even have time to sit and miss him. My days are chaos and they fly by! But a good chaos. And I do miss him dearly. He's on my mind all the time, but I don't have time to be proactive about it.

With company in and out, it's hard to sit and have time to write, so I'll keep this post short. Basically, I'm doing well, Ryan is giant and healthy, alcohol test strips do work for breast milk, and 3 glasses of wine still give you healthy milk for baby, dogs are keeping me busy, and winter is here. I have lots of goals for next week, so I will check in once my schedule dies down a bit. <3

An Ode To Breastfeeding

It's October!! It's my favorite time of the near. Not only is it my birthday month, but it's my mom's and my baby girl's bday month, too-so lots to celebrate. Aside from birthdays, it's the month of pumpkins (I will eat pumpkin spiced anything!!!) and it's breast cancer awareness month. With that in mind, I figured I'd use this opportunity to rant about my breast feeding experience-especially since studies have linked breast feeding with a reduced risk of breast cancer.

As I've mentioned, after having the whole lower half of my body exposed for all the world to see during labor, it really didn't phase me afterwards if nurses walked in while my boobs were out and I was getting ready to breastfeed. However, the most uncomfortable part was meeting the lactation specialist for the first time. Now, I worked at Victoria's Secret, so I'm familiar with being professional when it comes to other women's lovely lady lumps. This situation was way more awkward than any boobie encounter in my life. She wanted to watch me breast feed to make sure Ryan was latching the correct way. Normal. What wasn't normal was her response to seeing my breast.

She looked at me like I was a big, juicy steak. She told me I had the most perfect nipples for breastfeeding. Now that's normal for a lactation specialist to comment on, however the way she stared at me and her seductive, slow speech saying, "You have.... the most PERFECT.. nipples.... for breastfeeding," creeped me out. It's like when you talk to that guy at the bar who can't stop staring at your chest. I wanted to tell this woman, "My eyes are up here, lady!" The whole time we talked, she stared and commented on my boobs and the shapeliness of my nips in her soft voice and deep gaze. It was incredibly uncomfortable.  It's one thing to be passionate about your job... but I don't need you to take that passion out on my topless body. Thank you.

One thing she did say was that Ryan and my boobs were a perfect match for breastfeeding, and we really have been! From the start, I knew I wanted to give breast feeding a shot-as I think everyone should because breast milk is the healthiest option for your little one (I understand there are lots of situations where breast feeding isn't always an option for mommy-so don't get all defensive on me and tell me about your situation) and after taking such good care of him in my belly for 9 months, why would I throw it away on formula? It'd be like, why buy the packaged version of chocolate chip cookies when you can have homemade-fresh baked, out of the oven? (For those of you that have to formula feed-formula is perfectly healthy and your baby will definitely be fine-again, don't hate. I've done my research.) However, when I started breast feeding, I totally understood why some moms choose to formula feed.

Everything was sore. Moving hurt. I got engorged-which feels like you have breast implants, I imagine. Hard. My nips felt bruised. And it was just plain annoying feeding every hour or so. Every book I read said to give it two weeks before giving up on. I'm so glad I did! They were right. Now that we're 3 1/2 weeks in, it's so easy. And, it doesn't hurt. I mean, yes-it sucks that I'm kind of a boob slave to my child in the sense that if he sleeps too long, I start to drip through my clothes-which is totally embarrassing! However, I always have a way to feed him as long as he's with me. I don't have to worry about preparing a bottle or making a last minute run with a screaming child because we're out of formula. Plus, it's free. Makes it a little easier to adjust financially for now.

As for breast feeding in public-I'm still a little hesitant. I've fed him in my car before and today, I fed him out at lunch with a blanket over us while we ate our food. I think if people (men) have a problem with women breast feeding in public-they can just suck it. This makes up for us not being able to pee standing up. If you guys can easily whip it out and do your thing, now, so can we. The hesitant part is 1. I would be totally unprepared and taken aback if someone were to come up and criticize me while feeding. I honestly don't know what I'd say or respond with. When you're exposed in public, I have a feeling it's not so easy to be bold and confident. But who knows? Maybe there's some maternal hormone that makes you say: I'm naked and I'm going to go ape shit on your ass. I haven't gotten to that point yet. 2. High school boys. I really don't feel like having some pervy teenagers trying to check out my rack if I have a nip slip. Or high school guys. Or grown men. Or even the passionate lactation specialist who wants to try to compliment me again. Other than that, I'm all for stopping what I'm doing and getting cozy with my little one without having to plan trips around his schedule, or my leaky faucets.

Like I said, Ryan and I have been great feeding partners. It's amazing how easily it came to him from the start. You'd think he was taking a 9 month course on breast feeding in there. It's crazy to see a tiny little baby with no experience in this world have a natural instinct for survival. Nature amazes me. Now, when I feed him, he makes these adorable little sounds. Ya know when you're super dehydrated and get a class of water and almost sigh while drinking it because it tastes so good? He does little sigh noises like that every time. My heart-melting. It makes me hate mid-night feeds a little less.

Things that have helped me breast feed: switching between gel pads and disposable pads. Gel pads are easier to wear when going out and help moisturize so you don't get cracked nipples or anything, but disposable pads allow you to quickly whip it out and feed-whereas you have to get hot water and a cloth and wipe down the area before feeding with gel. Gets kind of annoying when he's crying for food.

Another thing I do that helps is keep track of when he eats and for how long on each side. I have been charting his eating and wet/dirty diapers every day since we left the hospital. It helps because I cannot for the life of me remember the times I feed him. When he's fussy and I realize it's getting close to that 2 hour mark, it makes it so much easier to decipher what this cry is about. I think if I didn't track down when I feed him, I'd either totally forget and let too much time pass between feedings or give into every cry with food and get him thinking he can eat every hour. Plus, I'm an insane, organized nut who likes to document things. It works for me.

Ryan will be 4 weeks (almost 1 month!) this weekend so I'll probably do another post with updates later on with pictures. I just wanted to rant about boobs for a little bit today. Again, don't hate on me if you aren't a breast feeding mom. Yes, I may judge you a tad if you choose packaged cookies over homemade without even attempting to bake, but at the end of the day, as long as your baby is fed and loved, that's all that really matters.

Week of Chaos

When I said before that child birth was the worst pain in the world, I lied. Last Monday, my husband came home with news that he was deploying on Sunday (today, aka six days from said date) rather than the 15th. From the beginning of knowing about the deployment, we were told that he'd get to skip training and stay behind until mid-October so he could be with his new son and spend time adjusting with his new family. Hell, even the Friday before, he was told that it was still looking like October was happening. When he came home from work and told me the news that our time together was cut 2 1/2 weeks short, I felt like I got kicked in the chest- I couldn't breathe. I broke down. I would gladly go through childbirth again just to have those extra weeks given back to us. I wouldn't even think twice about this bargain. We hadn't prepared anything. We needed more time.

I know in the military things happen last minute. Trust me, that's the first thing I learned about being an army spouse. This whole situation was such a cluster and there are a million details about this story that I won't get into right now. The only thing I will say about this is that it sucked. The worst part was that G had to work late every day, go in early every morning, then his "day off" on Friday meant him going into work twice. The few moments we had together were spent preparing for him leaving, such as going into AT&T or getting Ry Ry his passport. Not quite the way I wanted our last week together to go.

Look at me, I'm three weeks old today! (Yesterday)

G and I were able to spend our last night together in bed (hey now, don't be gross. I just had a baby 3 weeks ago) hanging out while my parents watched Ryan. Of course, after I sat and cried for the millionth time, I decided I wanted to spend my last night with him laughing, so we set up the tablet and youtube-d Impractical Jokers (if you are inappropriate like we are, then this show is freaking hilarious) and watched episode after episode in each others arms. It was perfection.

This morning was rough. Mostly because our baby did not want to sleep last night. Little monster! I got three hours of sleep maybe and G woke up at about 3:30 to take over while I tried to fit in a tiny nap before waking up to drop him off this morning. So after a 45 min power nap, I got dressed and the three of us drove over to the gym. We dropped off his bags, he walked me and Ryan back to the car, and I think I just stood there and cried while hugging him for about 5 minutes. Choosing which hug and kiss will be the last ones for a while is probably the hardest decision to make. You always want to fit in just one more.

He's now gone, and luckily my parents are here til Friday to help out with the baby. Thank god. This mama needs sleep and G was my only hope. I really have no idea how I'll manage once their gone. I'm going to have to cut out some of my day and attempt to nap. Ryan has had a couple fussy days and nights recently. I don't know if it's gas or what, but he's been a little grumpy boy.

He tends to pass the eff out in the same sleep position as his daddy

Other than that, last week, he had his 2 week check up. He weighed in at about 8.5 pounds! He's getting to be such a big boy. He still fits into his newborn clothes (he outgrew his smallest outfit) but he's looking less awkward in 0-3 month clothing. I can't take enough pictures of him in his cute clothes :)

He's already growing so big!!! And he's so aware. He went from freaking out at "playtime" to loving his turtle play mate and looking at so many different things. He stays awake for longer periods of time and just looks around and makes little noises. O.M.G. It's so adorable. I'm not a baby person, but I think he's the cutest thing ever. I can just sit and watch him. So precious.

Little munchkin enjoying tummy time

Mommy fail #1: My parents brought me back Garett's popcorn from Chi and I was eating it while breastfeeding. I looked down and saw crumbs all over my baby. I'm so terrible. Yes, I did eat them off of him.

Mommy fail #2: I think I'm getting sick. I tend to sneeze on him a lot when I breastfeed. I can't help it, there's only so much movement I can make when he has me caught by the nipple. I hope I don't give him my sick germs, although I'm sure he'd get them one way or another.

Mommy win: I cut his little finger nails last week without drawing any blood! Seriously, those things are so tiny.

Independent woman: learned how to use the Ergo all by myself

As for me, other than being tired and sad as f*#%, I'm doing well. I feel relieved. I no longer dread the wait for him to leave me. It's one less burden, so now I can just be sad and move forward. Also, I feel fully healed down there! Although, my bowels are still not treating me well and I still have that lochia going on-so gross. I feel like that should be over by now, but I guess not. Also, I'm smelly. I feel like I smell of tomatoes. I guess it's all the hormones mixed with breast milk stank. Hopefully it should go away soon. I swear I shower and wear deodorant!! Other than that, I feel I'm in good shape. I'm so ready to start working out again. I may do a light gym sesh this week if I'm feeling up to it. I have lots of energy and my body is almost already down to it's pre-baby size. Ahh the life of a fitness instructor :)

3 weeks pp. Looking good, feeling good, eating candy corn :)

As I said, I'm on 3 hours of sleep. Three. Tres horas. I don't have anything really quirky or inspiring to say. There's approximately 290 days until he comes home (give or take a few weeks?) so I am doing my #100happydays every day until he's home. It's a way for me to find a little sunshine in the midst of this tropical storm that is my life. It's almost the end of the month, which means this week, I will be formulating goals and adjusting my new life style. It's a big change, but let's face it, I'm not the first spouse to ever have to deal with this situation. It sucks, but we all go through it. Time to put on a strong face and get out there, and power through til summer.

Does any of this make sense? I hope so. It's past my bedtime. Goodnight my loves.

2 Weeks Down, A Lifetime to Go

Week 2 has been COMPLETELY different than week one. The first week with this baby was so much easier!!! What happened?!? First of all, I am a very organized person who loves to live life in an organized fashion. I crave routine and structure, so this whole baby thing doesn't quite fit my lifestyle. Good news is I expected that so it wasn't a surprise that I can't get my baby on a routine by week two, however that doesn't mean that makes it any easier for me to break my habit of being organized. It's really hard not to be uptight when that's my personality.

I'm also not the kind of person who can easily sit around watching TV, Netflix, etc. I like being on my feet and I'm a little OCD with my hands-they need to be doing something at all times. When people say I should be resting when the baby sleeps, well, they must not realize that to me, doing dishes and laundry is more peaceful than an afternoon nap on the couch. I'm just not that kind of person and I never have been. Given, if I'm tired enough, I will fall asleep during the day. So my challenges with week two include breastfeeding, sleeping, and getting baby to sleep.

2 weeks PP. Not going to lie, I'm jealous of myself. I look amazing and even got checked out in the grocery store today. It was a good day haha!

The first half of this week was a struggle of jug-gles? Okay, I tried to get that to rhyme. Fail. Week one, I told ya'll-Ryan was a food monger. He ate like it was his job. Week 2 comes along and suddenly he's just not that hungry anymore. Well, my boobies got the memo that they needed to keep refilling themselves for hour-long feeding seshes. I couldn't stop leaking everywhere! Ryan would start eating, and when he pulled away, his face would drown in my breast milk. I thought he peed on me at one point (he's peed on me a few times now) but it turns out my nip was just leaking milk and I wasn't paying attention. Poor guy was drenched from the waste down. I've been on the search for the perfect breast pad. Disposable ones barely last me a few hours during the day and lose their stickiness, then they leak through my shirt. So I've started using them at night. I found "soothies" to wear during the day-basically a reusable gel pad. O.M.G. they are so comfy and they really are soothing- like their name. Drawback? They only last a few days and are expensive. I bought a different brand of gel pad that I'm going to test out once these are no longer of use, but I think having gel during the day and disposable at night is working "breast" for me. Should I stop using puns? Probably.

While breast feeding on the other side, this chaos was going on. The whole right half of my shirt was drenched.  I am not kidding when I say I am a dairy farm. 

I am a terrible mom. I'm not leaving my baby in the car for 7 hours or anything-not that terrible, but the one thing every pamphlet says is not to fall asleep with your baby (SIDS!)-whether it's in the bed, tummy time, or wherever. Baby should always be put safely back in his crib. I think I've fallen asleep breast feeding for the last three nights in a row now. And not just dozing for 10 minutes, it's a good hour or so that I pass out. I can't help it! I'm a tired mommy. This girl likes her beauty sleep. I have been trying to start getting ready for bed at about 7 each night (LAME!) When I can start off with a good three hours of sleep, things are fine, but when Ry wakes up every hour-that's when my tired body can't handle the night.

Unfortunately, he's been doing hour increments more and more as the days pass. It sucks because one of two things will happen. Scenario 1: he'll wake up, I'll feed him, change him, and then as soon as I put him down, he'll start fussing so I pick him up (trying not to wake Daddy) and rock him til he falls back asleep. Then as soon as he does, I put him down and he wakes up again to keep the cycle going. Sometimes, it takes him an hour before he stays asleep in his basinet. Scenario 2: He wakes up, I feed him, he eats for 5 mins and falls asleep while eating. I put him down. He then wants to wake up every hour to get in a 5 minute food binge then sleep. These are the kind of nights that make me die a little inside each day.

Oh Hi. I'm cute when I actually sleep. 

I have been extremely emotional lately. It may be hormones, it may be lack of sleep, or it may be because I have an legitimate reason to be sad all the freaking time. G finally went back to work on Friday. We found out that there's a chance he's deploying next week rather than in three, which was the original plan. Am I surprised? No. I knew shit would hit the fan as it always does and it wouldn't be smooth sailing through October. I just really hope we find out Monday what the exact date that he's leaving is, and I hope even more he gets to stay til the 15th.

With that being said, Friday (his 1st day back at work) was a struggle doing it alone. It took me FOR.EV.ER. To get showered and ready for the day. I started getting ready at 9:30am because I knew Ryan and I had to leave at 1 to run errands before the deployment ceremony at 2. I still left 5 minutes behind schedule. Getting ready is an all day occurrence. Well, at least if I want to look showered and made up. Otherwise, I could have skipped that part and been out of the house in an hour. A shower bonus: blow drying my hair puts him to sleep! Yay. Also, it's going to be so hard not being able to rely on G in the middle of the night or in the morning so I can get those extra 2 hours of sleep. Oh, and did I mention we took Belle to an ophthalmologist this week ($170 just for an eye exam because he's a specialist-oy!) and we now are expected to go from 2 drops a day to giving her 9 drops a day-4 different types of drops. That is exhausting on it's own. My poor girl. However, I'll do what I have to so my baby girl is happy and healthy. Three dogs+nine eye drops+one baby-one husband=my hell hole. I think the best thought in the world is knowing that one year from today, we'll all be in Georgia and settled in, which means I have less than a year to get through with this craziness. One year is a tiny fraction of my life (aprox 1/80th). That's do-able.

My Denali bug hanging out with Ry Ry. The pups are so sweet with him! 

So back to my point. I tend to break down into tears easily. Thinking about how much I'll miss my husband will set me off. That hasn't changed-I've been like that during pregnancy, HOWEVER the smallest things will get me thinking about him leaving so it seems like I cry and random crap. Example: Today I watched the parent trap (Lindsay Lohan version-not the old one, which I think is the better one) and I started bawling at the end when they fall in love because it reminded me that I'm in love and that he's leaving me. Dramatic? YES. Or, we rented "Think Like a Man Too" with Kevin Hart. At the end, they all fall in love, and it reminded me that I am in love, and he's leaving me. See the trend? Or yesterday, I was rushing to get to the ceremony and some a-hole completely cut me off and I started crying. That one had nothing to do with the deployment, I was just really pissed and overly tired, but still. Emotional, this gal is. Is it hormones, my lack of sleep or the fact that I have a legit reason? Who's to say-it can be a mixture of all of the above. I'm starting to think I should wear a warning sign so people aren't alarmed.

Another Ryan update: his umbilical chord fell out!!! YESSSS that thing was nasty. I can't believe some people save those. I couldn't look directly at it without wanting to vom all over. Speaking of gross things people do, when we got him circumcised, the pediatrician told us that some parents like to keep the foreskin!!! GAHHHHH. What kind of freaks are there out there? (Tell me if that's you so I can re-think our friendship, pah-lease.) He said that some people have had it made into a bead and then make jewelry with it. Goodness. Talk about a Christmas gift I'd never want to receive! Excuse me while I gag.

I think those are my only updates from this week. I can't believe it's been two weeks already. I mean I can because every night seems to drag on and on and on. It feels more like a month than 2 weeks in all honesty. I still don't feel like a mom. I look in the mirror while holding my baby and he still seems more like an accessory than a part of my family. I thought I would have this amazing feeling of motherhood when I had him, but I feel like the exact same person. It's a good thing he can't understand me because I still curse like a sailor at times and sing inappropriate songs that pop on up shuffle while I'm trying to rock him back to sleep. He does seem to respond really well to classical music though, so I try to youtube Beethoven or Vivaldi or whomever else pops up on there. (P.S. I'm really not a bad mom, I think I'm doing rather well at taking care of this munchkin.)

I'm two weeks today! Look at me in my Daddy-Proof shirt. 

Tonight we are moving him from our bedroom to his crib. He looks so little in it! But I think he likes the flat surface more than the fitted basinet. He seems to fuss less when we put him down in there. So hopefully that goes well for tonight. If not, I have a Starbucks pumpkin spiced latte in the fridge waiting to be heated up tomorrow morning. Okay, that is all for now. Lots of love to anyone who reads this :) Send the sandman my way!

Surviving Week 1 Post-Partum

If I were to write a book, it would be titled Motherhood: Why are all my happy parts so sad? After pushing a creature through a small hole in your body, you only have hours to recover until your milk starts coming in and this creature is now sucking your nipples raw. I must say I'm lucky that I haven't had too many problems with breast feeding-Ryan latches easily, he nurses ALL the freaking time, and I've learned to pump and balance pumping with feeding so I don't get engorged (which freaking hurts). Plus, G has had a few opportunities to bond while feeding him with a bottle-kind of the main reason I pump. However, I can totally understand why so many mothers give up on breast feeding to formula feed. It gets old, fast. And I feel like I don't stop leaking, ever. Sometimes I think Ryan peed through his diaper but it turns out I'd just been leaking breast milk all over him for the last 5 minutes and he's soaked. I've almost drowned him a few times when he unlatches and falls asleep, but my milk keeps dripping through his parted lips.

I feel like I'm chained to this baby's mouth. I'm nothing but a vending machine to him. In fact, when he gets close to me, he automatically gets hungry because he can smell my milk. And this kid can eat. We went on our two day check up on Wednesday and the nurse asked the average that I nurse. I told her about 25-30 mins average (sometimes he only wants a few bites, sometimes it can last an hour). She looked shocked and told me that most newborns only need about 5-10 minutes to nurse. Umm... whoever these mothers are, I'm extremely envious of your lives.

I was pumping and as I finished, I turned to see Cato all curled up to the pump. I think he liked the noise it made.  So adorable! It literally "nursed" him to sleep. 

Although sometimes these hour long sessions pay off. On a good night, I can nurse him for about an hour (maybe 45 mins), change him, and get him to fall back asleep right away and he'll sleep for another 3 1/2 hours. I love those nights. Then there are the nights where he wants to wake up and nurse, nurse for a half hour, fall asleep, then the second I put him in his basinette, he starts to cry and wants to eat again. These are the nights that I'm awake from 9-1, or close to that. I'm trying to learn how to read him during these times and figure out what exactly is preventing him to stay asleep. I mostly average 5-6 hours of sleep each night, which is only about an hour and a half less than what I was getting the few weeks before he came. I just dread that first feeding of the night-when he wakes up and cry, I wake up and cry. It's funny just how much I feel like a baby when I'm tired too. I now fall asleep swaddled in my robe, under the covers, hugging my pillow, with dogs snuggling my legs in so I can pass out right away. Babies know how to do it right.

Denali watching Ryan sleep. These dogs are adjusting so well. 

Obviously, being his mother, I think my baby is already more advanced than other newborns. I really have no idea what babies should or shouldn't be doing at this stage in life (I really want to find a book that covers baby development week-by-week or something similar to the pregnancy books that showed fetal development so I can watch him grow) so I'm not basing this off of text rather peoples reactions to Ryan. I already mentioned how much he has been eating since we brought him home from the hospital, so there's that. He's starting to get bumps on his forehead from hormonal changes, which I thought was normal. It is, but another mother said something like, "Wow, he must be developing quickly!" as if most 1 week olds don't get them until later in baby-hood. (Don't worry, I'm not going to start listening to what other mothers say about my kid in regards to their health or "normalcy" but I'm using this example to prove my point.)

Look at me! I'm one week old (from yesterday).

Also, we were getting a photo shoot done and our photographer wanted me to hold his head up for one of the poses-but he was able to on his own. Then, when she was holding him, he lifted his head and she was super impressed. This kid was able to lift his own head since the day he was born. The nurse was holding him and got extremely excited when he did it and G and I just kind of looked at each other like, Is that not normal? I'm starting to think maybe it's not and he's just a super baby. It's probably all the working out I did-I knew he'd come out with guns of steel! He can also push his upper body up with his hands, and his fingers have such a tight grip I have to keep mittens on him while feeding because they hurt me. Okay, chances are most other babies are the same way and I'm totally just making all this up to put him on a pedestal, which means I'm already acing motherhood.

I love having my body back. I'm not at all close to my original size, and yesterday was the first day I put on my maternity jeans instead of leggings or sweats, but it feels amazing to throw on a shirt and know it will fit or simply having more movement in my torso. I don't love the post-labor blues going on everywhere on my body. I have back/shoulder problems (which I'm hoping to get resolved now that baby is out) so breastfeeding and bending over a changing table are slowly killing me. My husband has been good about giving me little massages, but they aren't enough. I have constant lower back and shoulder pain and I just want to cry-always.

1 day postpartum vs. 1 week postpartum. Swelling has gone down a lot! Thanks breast feeding :) I'm feeling great!

My hooha finally doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I can now walk at a somewhat normal pace and without a weird limp. Sitting still is uncomfortable and I can feel stitches pulling when I pick up the pace. Not quite 100%, but putting on those jeans yesterday was symbolic of healing. I cannot wait for the day that I can unclench and move my legs about freely. Speaking of, I don't understand how people can worry about their vagina stretching with child birth. I have been doing a nonstop Kegal since this baby came out- trying to reduce pain and pinching of stitches. Talk about a core workout. I should be good as new by the time my husband comes back...in July... sigh. Our nurse had asked about what kind of birth control I was going to use and our answer was, "my husbands deploying before my 6 week check up-that's our birth control." She looked so sad. (That might have been why they were extra nice to me in the hospital-win, but not really, because it still sucks).

We had a couple photo shoots this week. Oh my, even though they were the cutest things ever, it was awful. The majority of the time was feeding him (again, needing a good 40 mins) and trying to get him to fall asleep and stay asleep. I can tell his eyesight is extending because he just wants to look around at things these days. He will totally resist sleep to keep his eyes open and just plain old look. It's only going to get worse I imagine. He's definitely more responsive to things and when he's falling asleep; he makes all of these little facial expressions. My favorite is when he smiles. It's the cutest!

Photo from our shoot with Moon Sick Photography. Such an amazing job!! Our little Alaskan baby. 

I can't believe a week has already passed. I'm still alive. I've been getting better at giving the dogs enough attention. I'm still able to have a little bit of energy during the day. I still do (too many) chores and shower-although I think today I'll take a day off from cleanliness to do some laundry. This little guy does this really cute thing. Every time we take off his diaper, he likes to pee from his wee wee hitting the cold air. It's adorable to go through two diapers with every change along with a new outfit, blanket, and changing pad. It's safe to say he's been through every new born outfit we have, twice. Which isn't saying much because we didn't really stock up on newborn stuff, but it'd be nice if he could keep it in his pants. I think now that his circumcision is healing, he's getting better at controlling it. It now seems to be an every-other-time sort of deal rather than always.

This week will be more of a challenge. We have a vet appointment to manage and G goes back to work halfway through the week. I've been totally appreciating him being there in the morning to take him and now, he'll be saying goodbye probably when I'm feeding at 5am. But it's a good thing because let's face it, I'll have to learn to do things on my own so it's better to start now than get used to luxury and have it all taken away.

It's hard to keep up with phone calls, texts, and FB posts so if I don't respond, don't be offended. Unless I don't like you, I'm probably not ignoring you. Keep the love coming! I enjoy hearing from family and friends. I know Ryan won't have the pleasure of meeting the people I love for a while-maybe even years depending on where life takes us which is why I feel like sharing pictures allows people to feel somewhat of a bond to him. So deal with it. I even send my mom a daily Ryan picture. If you want to get on that list, let me know :) <3 <3