Surviving Week 1 Post-Partum

If I were to write a book, it would be titled Motherhood: Why are all my happy parts so sad? After pushing a creature through a small hole in your body, you only have hours to recover until your milk starts coming in and this creature is now sucking your nipples raw. I must say I'm lucky that I haven't had too many problems with breast feeding-Ryan latches easily, he nurses ALL the freaking time, and I've learned to pump and balance pumping with feeding so I don't get engorged (which freaking hurts). Plus, G has had a few opportunities to bond while feeding him with a bottle-kind of the main reason I pump. However, I can totally understand why so many mothers give up on breast feeding to formula feed. It gets old, fast. And I feel like I don't stop leaking, ever. Sometimes I think Ryan peed through his diaper but it turns out I'd just been leaking breast milk all over him for the last 5 minutes and he's soaked. I've almost drowned him a few times when he unlatches and falls asleep, but my milk keeps dripping through his parted lips.

I feel like I'm chained to this baby's mouth. I'm nothing but a vending machine to him. In fact, when he gets close to me, he automatically gets hungry because he can smell my milk. And this kid can eat. We went on our two day check up on Wednesday and the nurse asked the average that I nurse. I told her about 25-30 mins average (sometimes he only wants a few bites, sometimes it can last an hour). She looked shocked and told me that most newborns only need about 5-10 minutes to nurse. Umm... whoever these mothers are, I'm extremely envious of your lives.

I was pumping and as I finished, I turned to see Cato all curled up to the pump. I think he liked the noise it made.  So adorable! It literally "nursed" him to sleep. 

Although sometimes these hour long sessions pay off. On a good night, I can nurse him for about an hour (maybe 45 mins), change him, and get him to fall back asleep right away and he'll sleep for another 3 1/2 hours. I love those nights. Then there are the nights where he wants to wake up and nurse, nurse for a half hour, fall asleep, then the second I put him in his basinette, he starts to cry and wants to eat again. These are the nights that I'm awake from 9-1, or close to that. I'm trying to learn how to read him during these times and figure out what exactly is preventing him to stay asleep. I mostly average 5-6 hours of sleep each night, which is only about an hour and a half less than what I was getting the few weeks before he came. I just dread that first feeding of the night-when he wakes up and cry, I wake up and cry. It's funny just how much I feel like a baby when I'm tired too. I now fall asleep swaddled in my robe, under the covers, hugging my pillow, with dogs snuggling my legs in so I can pass out right away. Babies know how to do it right.

Denali watching Ryan sleep. These dogs are adjusting so well. 

Obviously, being his mother, I think my baby is already more advanced than other newborns. I really have no idea what babies should or shouldn't be doing at this stage in life (I really want to find a book that covers baby development week-by-week or something similar to the pregnancy books that showed fetal development so I can watch him grow) so I'm not basing this off of text rather peoples reactions to Ryan. I already mentioned how much he has been eating since we brought him home from the hospital, so there's that. He's starting to get bumps on his forehead from hormonal changes, which I thought was normal. It is, but another mother said something like, "Wow, he must be developing quickly!" as if most 1 week olds don't get them until later in baby-hood. (Don't worry, I'm not going to start listening to what other mothers say about my kid in regards to their health or "normalcy" but I'm using this example to prove my point.)

Look at me! I'm one week old (from yesterday).

Also, we were getting a photo shoot done and our photographer wanted me to hold his head up for one of the poses-but he was able to on his own. Then, when she was holding him, he lifted his head and she was super impressed. This kid was able to lift his own head since the day he was born. The nurse was holding him and got extremely excited when he did it and G and I just kind of looked at each other like, Is that not normal? I'm starting to think maybe it's not and he's just a super baby. It's probably all the working out I did-I knew he'd come out with guns of steel! He can also push his upper body up with his hands, and his fingers have such a tight grip I have to keep mittens on him while feeding because they hurt me. Okay, chances are most other babies are the same way and I'm totally just making all this up to put him on a pedestal, which means I'm already acing motherhood.

I love having my body back. I'm not at all close to my original size, and yesterday was the first day I put on my maternity jeans instead of leggings or sweats, but it feels amazing to throw on a shirt and know it will fit or simply having more movement in my torso. I don't love the post-labor blues going on everywhere on my body. I have back/shoulder problems (which I'm hoping to get resolved now that baby is out) so breastfeeding and bending over a changing table are slowly killing me. My husband has been good about giving me little massages, but they aren't enough. I have constant lower back and shoulder pain and I just want to cry-always.

1 day postpartum vs. 1 week postpartum. Swelling has gone down a lot! Thanks breast feeding :) I'm feeling great!

My hooha finally doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I can now walk at a somewhat normal pace and without a weird limp. Sitting still is uncomfortable and I can feel stitches pulling when I pick up the pace. Not quite 100%, but putting on those jeans yesterday was symbolic of healing. I cannot wait for the day that I can unclench and move my legs about freely. Speaking of, I don't understand how people can worry about their vagina stretching with child birth. I have been doing a nonstop Kegal since this baby came out- trying to reduce pain and pinching of stitches. Talk about a core workout. I should be good as new by the time my husband comes back...in July... sigh. Our nurse had asked about what kind of birth control I was going to use and our answer was, "my husbands deploying before my 6 week check up-that's our birth control." She looked so sad. (That might have been why they were extra nice to me in the hospital-win, but not really, because it still sucks).

We had a couple photo shoots this week. Oh my, even though they were the cutest things ever, it was awful. The majority of the time was feeding him (again, needing a good 40 mins) and trying to get him to fall asleep and stay asleep. I can tell his eyesight is extending because he just wants to look around at things these days. He will totally resist sleep to keep his eyes open and just plain old look. It's only going to get worse I imagine. He's definitely more responsive to things and when he's falling asleep; he makes all of these little facial expressions. My favorite is when he smiles. It's the cutest!

Photo from our shoot with Moon Sick Photography. Such an amazing job!! Our little Alaskan baby. 

I can't believe a week has already passed. I'm still alive. I've been getting better at giving the dogs enough attention. I'm still able to have a little bit of energy during the day. I still do (too many) chores and shower-although I think today I'll take a day off from cleanliness to do some laundry. This little guy does this really cute thing. Every time we take off his diaper, he likes to pee from his wee wee hitting the cold air. It's adorable to go through two diapers with every change along with a new outfit, blanket, and changing pad. It's safe to say he's been through every new born outfit we have, twice. Which isn't saying much because we didn't really stock up on newborn stuff, but it'd be nice if he could keep it in his pants. I think now that his circumcision is healing, he's getting better at controlling it. It now seems to be an every-other-time sort of deal rather than always.

This week will be more of a challenge. We have a vet appointment to manage and G goes back to work halfway through the week. I've been totally appreciating him being there in the morning to take him and now, he'll be saying goodbye probably when I'm feeding at 5am. But it's a good thing because let's face it, I'll have to learn to do things on my own so it's better to start now than get used to luxury and have it all taken away.

It's hard to keep up with phone calls, texts, and FB posts so if I don't respond, don't be offended. Unless I don't like you, I'm probably not ignoring you. Keep the love coming! I enjoy hearing from family and friends. I know Ryan won't have the pleasure of meeting the people I love for a while-maybe even years depending on where life takes us which is why I feel like sharing pictures allows people to feel somewhat of a bond to him. So deal with it. I even send my mom a daily Ryan picture. If you want to get on that list, let me know :) <3 <3