Ryan's First Valentine's Day

Yesterday was such an amazing Valentine's Day. I signed up for a 5K in the morning. With G home, I was able to leave Ry with him. It's amazing how much easier it is to run without a stroller!! I was so proud of myself-I ran it in 26 min and 55 seconds (okay, I tracked it on my watch.. it wasn't quite a 5K... we ran only 3.14 miles as opposed to 3.2) but that time is still so much better than my 5K times last year (when I was pregnant... maybe I shouldn't be as proud comparing myself to my pregnant self.) My score made it in the top 100 of everyone (I think in the 80s), and for females in my age group (20s!!! Keep in mind, this 27 year old girl was running in a group with 21 year olds without any babies) I made it at #11. 11! And no, it wasn't out of 12. It was out of 147. I've been doing this couch to 10K program every week. It makes me run 3x a week and I sometimes dread going. And I dread running. But when I finish. I feel amazing. And yesterday, I truly saw how much my hard work paid off. And that is such an amazing feeling.

Valentine's Day 2015. Post race pic

I told G that this year, all I wanted for Valentine's Day was to get my ears double pierced (because I am in fact a 14 year old girl). After the 5K, we went to two different tattoo parlors, both of which said on Google that they were open, but when we got there, they were dark with their "Open" lights turned off. We settled for Claire's (technically, the Icing) which is where I got my ears pierced for the first time in third grade (okay, technically, Contempo). I know some parents pierce their daughters' ears when they are babies, however if I have a girl, I am going to make her confront the pain of needles whenever she's ready to get them pierced. I want her to learn to suck it up and be a woman.

Check out those scores!! Woo!

That sounds terrible, but women go through so many pains that men don't. Think about it- we stick needles in our ears and young ages, we get waxed in multiple locations, we diet and work our buns off in an attempt to stay strong (whereas men are just naturally stronger and don't have to work as hard to lift heavy things), and then there's child birth. I don't think women realize just how strong of creatures we truly are. I think Alaska has turned me into a new breed- a nature feminist. When you come across bears or moose, yeah you can just assess the situation and slowly walk away, but when you come across a mama bear or moose with her children, that's when you should should start to worry-and everyone knows it. There is nothing more dangerous than a female protecting her young. And now, I completely understand women on a whole new level.

Love his sweet cheeks

Okay, back to my story. I got my ears pierced, we came home and just played with Ryan. Grandma and grandpa got him a new book for his collection and Daddy and I got him a stuffed animal (which is totally against my policy as gifts to get our son, because he's going to accumulate too many over the years, but I really just wanted to get him one for his first Valentine's Day gift). The pups got their box of doggy treats to eat too. We watched the Grammy's that we recorded last week, made lasagna, took Ry's prints (cause I'm obsessed) and ate more chocolate and ice cream than I probably should have within a 24 hour period. OH! And even though I told him I only wanted my ears pierced, G got me a box of chocolates, a kit-kat bar (cause I was talking about how I wanted one a couple weeks ago) and he made me this amazing video of pictures of the two of us throughout the years. I cried. It was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. He's truly the best. Probably one of my favorite Valentine's Days ever. I took too many pictures as a way to remember.

Kisses on the cheek

Other than Cupid's day of love, this week was a good week for us all. I finally got Ryan back on schedule to wake up at 5am (technically 4:50... EVERY DAY like clockwork) rather than 3:30. Huge success. I don't even care that I start my days early. I like it, I have time to plan my day and get things done. Now that Ry is getting closer to starting solids, I've been giving him utensils to play with so he will be familiar with them. He's been playing with spoons LIKE A BOSS. He will hold the spoon in his hand and just stick it in his mouth. I think he's going to be an amazing eater when we get there.

I've also been trying to get him to drink from a bottle. We haven't quiet done a full feeding just yet (although we have a sitter tonight, maybe I'll see if she can try before bed time), but I've got him to casually drink an ounce between feedings. Not that I want to fatten him up anymore than he already is, but I want him to get familiar with bottles as well. I started by giving him (like the spoons) empty bottles to play with, and once he got the hang of putting the nipple part in his mouth, I decided to put a little bit of milk in there to see how it goes (this was an idea given to me by What to Expect the First Year... seriously, they should just start paying me now for every time I mention this book). I didn't want to do it during a feeding because the book mentioned he might be too hungry and stressed to try to make an unfamiliar method work and to attempt giving him the bottle when he's not overly hungry and in a calm mood. Worked like a charm! He drank the milk in an exploratory manner and didn't freak out because he wasn't starving if he couldn't get it to work or dropped the bottle. Thanks, What to Expect!

Valentine's day tiger

Last Sunday, Ryan had me up at 1am. He fell back asleep, however I did not. Monday, my day was so incredibly confusing. I was a recovering Zombie and had no concept of what was going on. I had to teach Zumba class, and for some reason, I forgot that my class was at 10:30, not 10am. I got there at 10am. Which means I also dropped Ryan off at child care 30 mins early. I was wondering why they looked at me all crazy when I got there. Such a face palm day. At least I was early rather than late. Which reminds me... SO many people told me, "Forget about being on time, babies make you late." Umm.. I've been late TWICE since I've had this kid. And one of those times was 1 min late and the person I had the appointment with was even later, so it didn't even count. I hate when people use their kids as a constant excuse to be late. Yes, I understand that there are days when I'm about to leave and Ry decides to have a giant poop explosion just as I'm putting him in his car seat (that was the second time I was late, and by 2 mins). But that's a once in a while thing. Babies don't make mom's late. Mom's are late because they don't value being on time. It's really not that hard to figure out how long it takes you to leave the house with a baby and give yourself the time to get ready. It's really not. So here's my new advice to new mom's. If you want to be on time to places, then it's not impossible to be on time. A baby will not make you late. Will you have those days where something holds you up? Yes, we all do. But a baby will not make you a late person if you care enough. Which I do. I hate being late. And I hate mom's that CONSTANTLY use the line, "she has a baby, she'll be late." Stop using baby's an an excuse to justify a person's bad habits!! Just admit that you're a late and inconsiderate person! People...

Hand prints. Probably would have turned out a little better had I not had 2 glasses of wine beforehand

Another vent (you can skip this paragraph if you're sick of my complaints). I mentioned I run 3 times a week trying to train to run a 10K. I run at Hangar 5, which is an old hangar on base that was turned into a 24hr workout facility that anyone can use. It has weights, machines, and a track. And best of all, you can take your kids there to just run around and do whatever while you work out. If I wanted to lift weights, I can take Ryan and just set his carseat down while I workout next to him. As an active mom, this is a HUGE deal to find a place that is child-friendly. I love love love that moms can bring their children. However, there are moms that bring their bratty, irresponsible children and it pisses me off. If you can't teach your children to not run in the middle of a track or even not to constantly cross the track without looking, then I'm sorry, your children DON'T belong there. This isn't a place for kids, it's kid-tolerant and I hate the parents that bring their crazy children and ruin it for everyone. What if it becomes such a problem (air force still uses this hangar for their PT tests every week-I've seen kids almost get in the way of that) that they start to ban mom's bringing their kids? I'm going to be livid. And the thing is, it's the same mom that I see every week with her two children that just run free. They run into the track (I've almost hit them a couple times, my stroller doesn't steer well and they just dart out from the hallway where you can't see them coming) and they don't even watch. And she doesn't do anything about it. I've been so tempted to go up to her and say, "The track is not for your $%*@ing children! There are people here to train, this isn't a play ground. If you can't keep them off, then you need to keep them home." So irritating!! And then the other mom's with the strollers... okay, the outer lane on the track is for walkers. If you're walking with your big ass stroller, don't walk in the middle. Don't walk in the inner lane. Stay in the designated walking lane! So many moms utilize and appreciate this place and I'm going to be so mad if these few people ruin it for everyone. This is why we can't have nice things...

Here's my mommy fail moment (other than forgetting the time of my class): When I breast feed Ryan, he tends to get distracted and pulls away and just smiles at me. I usually "hit" him in the face with my nipple making playful "boom" noises. Pew pew pew! *Push my nip into his cheek* He thinks it's hilarious. Only lately did I realize that this might be totally weird.

My computer is near death, so it's time to stop writing for the day. Plus, I have laundry and groceries calling my name. Until next time! xoxoxo

5 Month Update

Before I begin, I have been awake since 1am because of my boy. With that being said, I'm still in high spirits because no amount of lack of sleep makes me any less excited to see his sweet morning smiles and hear his adorable giggles. I think I'm so used to sleepless nights that I've actually given up on the idea of trying to sleep in. I get excited when I hear Ry awake! Okay, so 1am isn't the ideal wake up time. He fell back asleep and I couldn't quite get there, and when I finally did, he woke up 10 mins later. Sucked? Yes. But my morning cuddles with this sweet boy totally made up for it. (Now if this blog doesn't make any sense, this is the reason why. I'm a zombie. Ready. Let's go.)

On Friday, Ryan turned FIVE MONTHS OLD. Holy cow!! This is our last month before I introduce solids. As weird as the whole concept of breast feeding is, I'm totally going to miss it. Before Ryan was born, I remember telling myself that I was going to "try to make it to six months" as if it's such a terrible, difficult task to breast feed. But now, there's no way I'm going to start weening him any time soon. I'm not dying to get him off the boob. It's honestly so convenient. Free food any time he wants it. And like every mother says... the bonding experience is a major plus. Now am I going to be a mom who breast feeds until her child is four? Hell no. My goal is to incorporate breast milk into his diet up until about 12 months if my body allows-whether it's from me or from pumped milk in a bottle. Either way, these boobies aren't going anywhere any time soon.

5 month old!!! 

If I haven't said it before, I'm going to say it again: What to Expect Your First Year is an amazing book. It is so informative and unbiased. Without it, I'd have no idea what I was doing. And the sad part is I hear so many other first time moms with these insane questions that I just want to say.. GO READ SOMETHING! I'm a part of a few Facebook mommy groups. It's great to have support from other moms who have been there before or are there now and can sympathize with you. And don't get me wrong, when I have a question and our doctor isn't open (why does everything seem to occur on Friday nights?) and our NURSES HOTLINE DOESN'T WORK (let's not get me started on that rant again... &*%$ing military medical clinics...) it's nice to ask, "hey, has anyone had this issue, and what does your doctor say?" and I get some feedback then do some research on what people say. I do this in my one "closed" group that is selective with who is invited (we're kind of a big deal).

However, there are groups open to so many moms that I had to leave because women just ask questions that should require seeing a doctor and then women give stupid responses. One mom answered, "well, it was okay to do while pregnant, so it must be okay to do while breast feeding." FALSE! Your body while pregnant is completely different than your body while breast feeding. Yes, you don't need to be nearly as careful post-pregnancy as you did before, but that doesn't mean you should just assume things are okay because they were before! We have internet in our hands at all times (because we're attached to our phones), free libraries, and calling your doctor and getting advice is free! Don't go asking complete strangers through Facebook what is or isn't okay because you're too lazy to look something up yourself. This is one thing that pisses me off. We rely more on people we have never met nor know nothing about than actual scientific research. This can easily lead me on a tangent about getting your children vaccinated, but I'm not going to step there today. (GET YOUR KIDS VACCINATED).

So this book...  it's such a great guideline as to where Ryan is with his development, where he should be in the upcoming month, things to look for, things to introduce, types of toys best for his stage of development, etc. etc. Go buy this book!!! It's given me so many ideas as to how to get him to sleep through the night (don't use last night as an example), how to start introducing solids (when we get to that point), ways to talk to him, and just so much other stuff. I feel like a baby expert. I actually have moms asking me what my tricks are. I read. I do research. I also get their daily emails sent to my phone and read the little articles about bath time and whatnot. I do my work! I don't rely on strangers. If something doesn't feel right, I call the doctor. I base all of my parenting off of research and science and guess what? I have one freaking awesome, happy baby who is very fat and healthy off of breast milk. I'm not trying to be aggressive at all saying that people out there are bad moms if they don't read this book. Not at all. But I think this book can relieve a lot of stress and take some of the pressure off of moms all over the country. People ask, "why can't they write about book about what I'm supposed to do?" They did. You just have to take time and read it.

<3

Enough about that book (gosh, Molly, you should just go marry it). A couple weeks ago, we had the BIGGEST POOP EXPLOSION thus far (I've dealt with worse, but not from my boy.) All up his back. And I mean all. His entire back was covered in poop from his shoulder blades down (I must say, Tide detergent works wonders! It all came out on the first wash). I brought him upstairs to his changing table. I have these cloth changing pad things that I used for the changing table attachment on our pack and play. I've now come to realize that they are perfect for poop explosions. I put it down under him and peeled this poopy clothes from his skin. As soon as I took his diaper off, it was like a dam broke. Poop just spilled out onto this mat in a giant puddle. I stood there with a wipe in hand like an idiot. As if one wipe even could make a difference at this point. And of course, my happy baby loves to kick so his legs soon became poopsicles. What do you do when you spill a glass of water on the floor? You toss a crap ton of paper towels on the pile and hope to absorb the water. That's what I did. I just starting throwing wipe after wipe at him with the hopes of decreasing the size of the puddle Ry was splashing in. All I did was wipe, toss, and repeat. When his body was clean enough to pick up, I folded up his clothes into the changing pad and tossed it aside. Cleaned the rest of his backside in the air and put him down to get him cleaned and dressed. Why didn't I just put him in the tub? Because we bathe together and I don't think there was enough time to strip myself down-nor did I want to have to then find time to shower to get his poop prints from my body. It was such a disaster.

I think the saddest part about this situation was that I was so excited for him to poop that I didn't even care about the mess. Ever since that green bean incident over a month ago, Ry's bowels have been off. He'd only been pooping once every 1-2 days. Last week, he finally started pooping once a day, and now he's averaging about 3 a day. It's such a success to have smelly diapers. The little wins in life.

I've had a few nights a couple weeks ago that I lost it. I felt like I just couldn't handle his crying for another second. Very few times do I completely break down, but these two nights in a row I just cried while he cried. He was crying simply because he was overly tired and refused to sleep. I 100% understand how shaken baby syndrome happens. As a parent, you hit that point where you get angry and want to shake your child saying, "Why won't you shut up???" Of course, I didn't do that. Although I did yell, "Go to sleep!" a couple times. Not the most productive parenting, but the Shaken Baby Syndrome movies they made us watch in the hospital basically said that you should find other ways deal with the crying, whether its leaving the room, drowning out the noise, or whatever else works other than shaking your baby. For me, it was yelling. I rarely yell so it felt good to just relieve the stress. It's not like I could just leave him home alone and go work out. And I don't want to drown out his noise. His cries are the only things that tell me if something is wrong. I felt like a terrible mother. I even emailed my husband telling him that I actually hated the sound of his cries and didn't want to have to do it anymore. But I sucked it up, held my baby tight and we just cried it out together until he eventually (60 mins later) fell asleep. These nights happen. These nights suck. These nights make me feel like a terrible mom, but they are normal and we all have them (I think). Obviously, I think I'm the best mom in the world because my baby is the best baby in the world, so heres my point: even great moms can have un-great moments and it's very, very okay. Just don't shake your baby! I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if something happened to him in the one second that I snapped. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Blech.

Eating his book/reading. 

I try to do 20 mins of yoga in a mornings a few times a week. I had an epiphany one morning while doing it. I have three dogs (one who is high-energy/high-anxiety, another who requires 9 eye drops a day, and an angel) with an infant in Alaska where I have one good friend (my others have all moved away by this point) and no family near by and a husband who was deployed. People always ask me how I do it. I never really knew. But I realized that yoga is the reason I get through each day with a smile. I breath through the stress. I bring calmness to the storm. I work hard yet stay relaxed. If you take yoga, you probably understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, then you really should. I think that is the key component to keeping my life together.

Another thing people tend to say to me is, "I don't think I could do it," in regards to my life. That always bothers me. Guess what? I don't $@&%ing think I can do it either. Do you think I chose to live in Alaska? Of all places to live, Alaska is not my choice. I absolutely love it up here, yes. Once we move, will I be back? Most likely not. Yes, I chose to have three dogs. There are days that I wish we only had two. Or even one. Would we have gotten a third had I known the expenses and eye care that Belle was about to endure?  Or even the fact that my calm, sweet Cato would have a puppy who turned out to be insanely hyper and anxious all the time? Maybe not. I would never give up any of my babies in a million years. I love all of them. But I did not choose the way things turned out. And can I sit here and say, "I can't do it" and whine like a little bitch? No. I just keep taking care of them. Keep putting drops in Belles eyes. Keep bundling up in the cold weather. Keep making sure everyone gets fed. Keep trying to make sure no one is bleeding or on fire or left outside or whatever else can happen in this house. I just keep going because I don't have a choice. So you don't think you can do it? Guess what, neither do it, but I don't have that option. I understand people use that phrase as a compliment, but to me, I just want to look at them and say STFU.

Puppy cuddles.

There has been a giant change in our life this past week. G came home from his deployment!! It's so nice to have him home, however it's not easy. The first couple days were rough. We weren't fighting, but we were bumping heads and we both didn't really know what to do with each other. It was kind of like we both saw each others point of view so we didn't want to start a fight, but at the same time, we both wanted to just continue our lives the way we'd been doing so. Me with my baby routines and schedules and G with his relaxing after work and time to just unwind. There were so many times I just wanted to yell at him. I really don't know why. He honestly didn't do anything wrong, but I just wanted to say, "THIS IS WHAT I'VE FREAKING BEEN DOING FOR 4 MONTHS WITH NO HELP. YOU CAN..." and then fill in the blank with whichever situation it was: make dinner. Change the diaper. Get groceries. Turn the tv off. Play with your son. Put up with the crying. And it's not like he objected to doing any of these things (like I said, he really didn't do anything wrong.) I think I just resent the fact that he'll never really understand what I've been doing while he was away and I want to take my frustrations out on him (which is wrong, I know. I'm not letting that happen). But he's never going to have that feeling of not being able to escape. If I leave for a few hours and Ryan cries the whole time, he at least knows I'm coming home and may be able to pass him off or switch it out. I never got that. And something about that almost makes me angry. It's not like G was off vacationing for four months and having fun. I know he was miserable too and wanted nothing more than to be able to come home and help. I worry that I'm just going to snap on him for no reason whatsoever. I really am so happy to have him home and I've laughed harder than I've laughed in months and I've missed having my best friend home so the last thing I want to do is cause tension over something so stupid such as female hormones.

Boys

SPEAKING OF: The new birth control I'm on.. holy crap. This girl cannot stop eating. Ever. We ordered a family sized papa murhpys pizza the other night. I ate half. It wasn't even just cheese..it had filling toppings like sausage and mushrooms and other stuff. I ate half. AND WAS STILL HUNGRY. I proceeded to eat cheesy bread and cinnamon sugar pretzels. My stomach is like an empty pit. I hate it. We're going to go broke if my body doesn't adjust to it soon. It's driving me insane. This is now week three of starvation mode.

I learned something this week. Mila Kunis' baby girl, Wyatt (Ryan's future wife) is wearing 6-9 month clothes at the age of 4 months. WOWZA! That's a big girl. Which means that if someone tells me how big Ryan is one more time, I'm going to use this little trivial fact to prove that he's not THAT big. At least Ry's still in his 3-6 month clothes at age 5 months.

Ry loves his daddy so much

Ryan's newest thing is fake coughing. He was sick a few weeks ago (if you remember from reading) and it's like ever since then, he discovered a new way to move his mouth and tongue and now has to always do it. It's actually pretty cute. He sticks his tiny baby tongue out (I want to pet it, like a whale. I don't.) and curls it up and forces this tiny cough out. It sounds like Zoolander. Totally fake and adorable. He's just such a munchkin. I want to eat him up. He also is discovering new sounds. He used to yell at me or his toys. Now he screams. High pitch screams and squeals. What ever happened to his sweet baby coos? They have been completely taken over by the sounds of a pterodactyl. That's what. gosh, I love him!

I guess I don't have any mommy fails this week. Just wife fails. If I seem bitter this post, keep in mind. It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been awake for 4 1/2 hours. Plus, I venting on "paper" (can I just start calling this e-paper?) makes me feel a hell of a lot better. It's no yoga, but it works.  I'm also aware of the fact that I have no transitions between paragraphs. Don't care. Need a second cup of coffee. LOVE TO THOSE WHO READ!

So much can happen in a week that I feel like I need to update my life more often than every 7 or so days. And I know one week from today, my life will be completely different. My husband is terrible at surprises. He originally told me that he was planning on surprising me because he's getting sent home early from his deployment and that I should expect him sometime before Valentine's Day. He told me on Tuesday that he'd be home within the week. Well, I already know, from talking to his family, that he told them he'd be home in February, so.. that pretty much leaves Sunday and Monday that he'll be home! Although.... he told me this Tuesday morning, which was his Tuesday night, so I guess there could be a chance that he'll be home Tuesday as well. We will see. And I'm SO excited :)

I've been trying to get the house ready for his arrival. I had kicked him out of our closet because he was supposed to be deployed til July, then he was going to get home and we'd start packing up to PCS to GA so I figured I could throw his clothes in a basket and call it a day. I started going through my clothes and seeing what I don't wear and what I could get rid of to squeeze him back in there. It was a success. I did it!

As much as I hate that G had to leave a few weeks after Ry was born, I think the timing was perfect. I don't suggest that every new mom rid of her husband for the first few months (lol) however, I think our space was really helpful and may help preserve our marriage from stress and fights due lack of sleep. Think about it.. I've been so used to having Ryan 24/7 that if G is at work all day and I'm having just an awful day with Ryan, I won't be shoving him in G's face the second he gets home because I can't take it anymore. I've had those days and I now know how to just sit and let both of us cry it out. I was able to take my time getting Ryan into his crib without ruining any intimacy with the stress of co-sleeping. I've changed so many diapers to the point that I don't even mind doing it and it's fun time I get to spend with Ryan. We have our schedule in tact and I've figured out how to handle life with Ryan at my side and to rely on outside childcare-which is big because the army schedule is ever-changing and even with G home, I probably won't be able to count on him 100%.  And now I am so ready to share every little moment with my hubby-stress free. And.. he still gets to be here when Ry learns to crawl, eat food, talk and all those other major milestones coming towards us in the next year :)

His face is changing so much!! Can't believe it

This week, we had the most successful bath time!! He usually screams the second I get his little toes-ies touching the water, but this week, we tried a new tactic. I got him in the tub with me. I sat down holding his itty bitty body close to mine for that skin to skin comfort, and some extra warmth, since bath time gets chilly. I held him and sang to him and when he was all happy and smiling, that's when I started dunking those feet into the water and completely wiping him down. It was a win.

I've had a couple mommy fails in the past 2 weeks. The first one is a scary one. I've let Ryan sleep with his blanket because it's been below zero outside and his room gets so incredibly cold in there. I turn the heat up and it only seems to turn my bedroom and the family room into saunas and every other room is icy. His hands and feet are icicles when he wakes up from naps, so I've been putting his blanket on his legs when he goes to sleep for warmth, and because he likes to suck on it to self soothe. One morning, I heard him crying at 3am. Not unusual. He usually wakes me up with tears and I let him cry it out and go back to bed. However, his tears started sounding more frantic than his routine sleepy/angry/why-won't-you-pick-me-up cries. I ran into his bedroom and saw his blanket was over his face. I pulled it off and saw how scared he looked and picked him up and held him close. I let him sleep with me after that. MOMMIES: ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT! I knew something didn't sound right and it haunts me thinking about what would have happened if I just tried to let him "cry it out". You get to know the difference between cries of your baby so if a cry sounds different that what you're used to, check it out to be safe!!! Please. Since then, I've been super careful with blankets. I still give him a blanket (I know, you're probably thinking I'm an idiot) but it's just too cold in there not to when the temperature is this low. I'm kind of in a lose-lose situation. Alaska problems much?

My second mommy fail... Sooo.. I sing to my baby. A lot. When I'm changing his diaper, I'm mostly just making up goofy songs about whatever pops into my head, or I'll sing about what I'm doing while I change him (putting on socks, wiping that little butt, snapping up one-sies, etc.) Here's a song that I found myself singing:

I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. I need to pull your skin so your peepee doesn't stick. I don't want to re-circumsize your.....

I stopped. I did not say the final word. (Read previous blogs about why I have to pull his penis skin down). Sometimes I wonder why I have a child. My husband should be so proud of his loving wife...

Ry is such a wiggle worm these days!!! He decided that he no longer likes rolling. Over it. He's done it twice maybe in the last 2 1/2 weeks. But he's now always on his side. He just lays on his side and kicks around until his head is facing a totally different direction. Before, I could put toys in his crib on one end and lay him on the other and he was fine. Nope. No more, he's way too squirmy and never wakes up in the spot that I put him in, or even facing the same way. Such a munchkin. He's going to be crawling before I know what hits us. Then the fun starts... I feel so sorry for myself and the dogs already.

Belly using him as a pillow for her princess face

Last week at the gym, I had a woman come up to me after teaching a class. She has a baby who is maybe a month older than Ryan and she said I looked so good and asked what my secret was. It caught me off guard. I don't have a secret. I work my butt off (literally). I told her I'm just constantly working out and when I don't work out, I'm always on my feet running from one chore to the next. She said that she works full time and has two kids. For me, that's a red flag. If you're going to make excuses as to why you can't work out, then there really isn't much advice I can give you in regards to losing that baby weight. GET TO THE GYM! We forget that by nature, we are mammals that are meant to move our bodies. It's the whole essence of survival. The only problem is that society has evolved to try to tell us we can live without moving. My doctor said it best: Exercise is the solution to most problems and people don't utilize that concept like they should. So that is my advice. Keep your body moving. Find what works for you and SCHEDULE TIME. It doesn't have to be every single day, but it should be at least 3 times a week. And I think when you have kids, that's the most important time to make time for yourself to work out. You need to model behavior to your children and demonstrate that an active lifestyle is a healthy lifestyle. It is not selfish to make gym time for yourself to preserve your life to last longer for your family. Just do it!

Also that day at the gym, I had the WORST experience with another female. Okay, so this is probably karma. I'm not a baby/kid person, and I never was. I'm sure during my days at a teen or in college or whenever, I've probably given dirty looks to moms with crying babies or screaming kids (I still do sometimes depending on the situation-I definitely think there are certain places and events that are inappropriate for children and I hate the parents that bring them to these certain settings. But that's another rant for another day). I had to teach Zumba Saturday morning. My sitter cancelled last minute and I tried to message everyone I knew asking if they could take Ryan, and they couldn't. This gym HAS NO FREAKING CHILDCARE. (Seriously, what kind of gym are you?) The only person that I knew who could watch him was already coming to my class and she said she'd be happy to hang in back with him while I taught. Perfect. I bring him with me and the front desk girl tells me I can't bring him into class. I said my sitter was meeting me there and asked if I could go get set up for class while we waited for her. I told her I was the instructor for the day and my sitter cancelled on me last minute and no one else was available. She said he wasn't even allowed in that room. And she didn't say it politely. To say this girl was a bitch is an understatement. I have another word in mind for her behavior, however I'll keep it to myself.

I called my sitter and apologized profusely saying she won't let Ry in the room and how sorry I was. Thankfully, my friend is awesome and said she didn't mind staying by the benches with him in the "lobby" area and switch off with another friend that was in class. I asked this desk lady if they could just stay in the benches. "As long as they don't go anywhere else. They have to stay there." Great, that's totally fine. Whatever. I look up to the track. There is a girl running on the track with her stroller. Um.. I just got such a freaking hard time for having my baby IN THE LOBBY and here is this girl with a baby amongst other people working out. I go back up to bitch girl. "Can they be on the track with him? There's a girl up there with a stroller." "Yes, but he can't be parked, he has to be moving." OBVIOUSLY. Like any normal person would put a baby down and run on a track while he sits in the middle of strangers. This girl was just so rude. She hated me for whatever reason, and I guess she was giving dirty looks to my amazing sitters the entire time. I wanted to go up to her and say, "You obviously don't have kids. And when you do, I hope you get triplets."

Oh, and while I was teaching, I guess the other front desk guy made a call about me to a supervisor and ended the convo with, "I'll have a talk with her." He didn't. And he's freaking lucky. I'm sorry, what am I going to do? Cancel a class of 30 people? This is my job. It's not like I'm some participant whose sitter cancelled and just decided to go to the gym anyway. No. And I'm not just some hired civilian either. I'm an army wife who's husband is deployed who had been trying to raise this baby alone and this freaking gym is the only one without a child care, and none of the CDCs are open on the weekends. I messaged our lead instructor and told him about the situation. He was awesome about it and apologized that they gave me such a hard time and that I did what I had to do. Amen.

I'm sorry to all the moms that came into VS and I probably got annoyed with as they shopped with screaming children. If you are reading this and you don't have kids, do us moms a favor and be nice. I'm sorry you have to listen to my baby scream for approximately 5 mins, however I have to listen to it all day. It must be nice for you to go home to your quiet house, enjoy your favorite tv show and sleep soundly through the night. We don't get that. We get one cup of coffee thrown at us that says, "here, you only get one, hope this lasts you through the day!" And I get it, it was our choice to have babies. Yes. I chose to have a baby. I love my baby. And if people didn't chose to have babies, we'd have no people left. It's a part of life! It's unavoidable if we want to keep from going extinct, so don't use that line against us.

I LOVE HIS SMILES!!!!

And moms. Stop apologizing for your babies. Babies have bad days. We've all been there. They are perfect little angels until the second they're in public and suddenly they become a nightmare out of no where. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. If people give you dirty looks, just smile politely and secretly wish triplets upon them (there is nothing wrong with having triplets, but I assume the added stress is good karma for people who give you a hard time about your kid). Raise your heads high. Even make a joke about it like, "Oh, it's one of those days!" or "At least you don't have to go home with it." But smile and be charming about it. Be a proud mama because if you don't sit there and support your child, no one will. And no screaming baby should ever be left to fend for him/herself. It's a good habit to get into for when they get older and the whole world of peers and other parents try to turn against them. It's a cruel world out there, so always always always make your little one know they you're on their team. No matter what.


I still have more to write about, but I'll save it for another day. I think I've babbled enough for this post. MY HUSBAND WILL BE HOME IN LESS THAN 5 DAYS! xoxoxo to my readers.

Week Number... err... 4 1/2 Months!

(***Warning: this post talks a lot about birth control. If you don't support forms of contraceptives, then stop reading. If you don't want to hear about my experience with birth control, stop reading. If you are just going to criticize everything I'm going to say, stop reading. There, you are warned.)

What a crazy, busy insane, hectic, stressful, beautiful, amazing week it's been. We all know from my last post (cause obviously, you're a dedicated reader) that Monday SUCK SUCK SUCKED. This week has been a little stressful because both Ryan and I have been little sicklings. I'll start this post off with my mommy fail.

I admit it. I got my baby boy sick. I'm the person who's supposed to be protecting him from this world and keeping him safe from his surroundings, yet I get a cold, and as I'm breast feeding and shoving tissues up my nostrils, I don't have time to wash my hands in between every tissue blow (which seemed to happen approximately every 5 seconds nonstop) nor do I really have anywhere to sneeze. I can't sneeze into my elbow as they make you do in schools now because when I cradle him, that's where he lays! In my arm nooks. And I can't sneeze down my shirt because he lays against my chest. I can't sneeze in the air because that let's germs run free, and I don't have time to get up and grab a tissue, the kid has me by the nipple and both of my arms are supporting him. So what do I do? I sneeze right on his little body. By the time all of these thoughts raced through my brain, my sneeze was already past due and I just let it out all over his legs. I don't blame myself because it happens as a mom. When one person in the household is sick, it's really really hard to keep everyone healthy. But do I feel awful? YES.

We're pretty cute for a couple of sicklings

My poor, sweet little angel baby. His coughs are too tiny. They break my heart. He has such a raspy voice and raspy sad little cries. His nose is so stuffy and his breathing is congested. It's the cutest cold in the history of the world, yet it hurts to watch him suffer. I brought him into the doctor after three days of him not getting better. Actually, after the second night, he sounded worse so I called the next morning.

SIDE STORY. And by story, I mean VENT. So the hospital on base. It has a main line where you listen to options to make appointments, call the clinic you need, put in a rx, ask about insurance etc. So I call them to talk to a nurse. The main line. I push one to "make an appointment or talk to a registered tricare nurse". Then I push two to "talk to a registered tricare nurse." Every time I called, I got this automative response: "All lines are busy, please call back in 10 mins," AND THEN IT HANGS UP ON YOU. Every time I called, I got this damn message. I was getting so frustrated, so by day three, I decide to just call the appointment line and get him in instead. The person who answers, I tell them what's going on and how I've been trying to talk to a nurse for days. Guess what they say? "Oh, yeah, that number is no longer good." UMMMMM HELLO!!! GET IT OFF YOUR $@*%ing MAIN LINE THEN!!!! Good lord, what is wrong with people out here? Is it so hard to do your job correctly? I wonder how many sick, ticked off people there are who have been trying to get ahold of nurses and call back every 10 minutes.

Anyway, so we had our appointment. The doc said luckily, there's low risk of pneumonia, no ear infection, no virus, and it's just a plain old cold. That's the main thing I wanted to hear. I already knew there wasn't much I could do for him, but I wanted to verify that I wasn't slowly letting him die by just brushing it off as a cold and giving him extra cuddles. But no, he's a healthy boy with a case of the sniffles. He gave me some tips of what to use. He recommended Little Remedies brand nasal spray and behind the counter nasal decongestant, so I went over to target and got some of that along with Baby Vix (okayed by the pharmacist there). So between Ryan's nose drops/sprays and Belle's eye drops, my life is-in the words of one of my girl friends- extremely lubricated over here. Good lord! What is my life? I feel like it never ends! Someone get this girl her own reality tv show please. I'll show you what it's really like to be an army wife.

His body was freezing cold (I guess why they call it a 'cold') so I put a blanket on his feet. I came back and he was all wrapped up and cuddled in it. Too sweet. 

Speaking of... we got AMAZING news. The army had been toying with the idea of G coming home early. I said I'll believe it when I see it, seeing as how many of their ideas tend to just not happen. Well, bags are sent, tickets are booked, my man will be home! When? He won't say. He's planning on surprising me, but it's sometime before Valentine's Day :) :) :) You know when some dogs meet new people, they get so excited they pee? That's exactly how I felt! I was so unbelievably happy that my bladder just wanted me to pee my pants all over the place. I was at the pediatrics office. I didn't. I held it. But I experienced that intensity of happiness. It was the best. May I experience more of these happy pee moments in my future.

I, too, made my own trip to the doctors office yesterday. After finding out there's a chance G comes home sooner than later, I knew I needed to get back on to some type of birth control. It just so happens that my appointment was made the day that I found out he was definitely coming back and when I was sick. Killed a few birds with one stone on that one. At my 6 week post natal check up, I had talked about the many forms of birth control out there and thought it over. I had been on the bill for 7 years before I stopped taking it to start trying for a baby, so for me, I am attached to what I'm familiar with. I told my... dr? Actually, I don't even think he was my doctor. He wasn't in acu's. He said something about being a student and working with my dr? He talked so insanely fast I didn't quite pick up on it... but I told him I wanted to take the "mini" pill, or the progesterone only pill which is approved for breastfeeding. He told me that since I've been breastfeeding for over three months that I can add estrogen back into my bc and can go back on what I was using before, however I may have a decrease in milk supply, and there's always a risk that it won't go back up like it's supposed to. I figured we're already only a couple months away from introducing solids that I really didn't want to risk having to switch to formula for a month if my supply didn't come back, so I stuck with the "mini" or POP option.

He then asked me about the option of an IUD device, such as Mirena which goes into the cervix and stays there until I'm ready for another baby, which I pull on a string and it comes out. I told him I wasn't really comfortable having something just in my cervix hanging out every day (let's face it, I'm still a little emotionally scared from the last thing that came out of there) and the idea sort of weirded me out, but I would consider it down the road. He said he understood, but then kept telling me how great of a technology it was and how it's changing birth control and he recommends to it everyone because he thinks it's so great. Excuse me. Hold the phone. If you don't have a cervix, then don't try to convince a girl who just confessed that she didn't feel comfortable sticking something up there to get it. I was slightly irritated by that. I'm all for the doctor's perspective about things, but once I tell you my reason for not wanting it is something that only women can experience, then don't carry on and on about the benefits. If he were my husband pushing it on me, my answer would have been easy.. CONDOMS. Let's see who's uncomfortable now, bi-atch.

So this POP I got. I have to take it every day at the same time, otherwise it may not be effective. I've got my alarm set on my phone all ready to go. I really hope the hormones don't mess with my moods. I really don't want giant mood swings. I'm sure my hubby doesn't want to come home to that either. But the good news is that unlike regular birth control, it only take about 7 days to kick in. That was another thing my "doctor" kept pushing on me. 7 days.  It won't work in the next few days. If I have sex in 3 or 4 days, I'll need a back up form because it won't work for 7 days. I kept telling him my husband was overseas and he's talking to me like I'm gonna go out and flaunt my new breast-feeding birth control all over Anchorage. I get it. 7 days!! I think abstinence should work just fine as birth control for a week. It's been doing me good for the past few months. Ahhthankyou. And this is only going to be a temporary fix. I guess as soon as I start weening Ryan, it's no longer effective. They said even if I miss one regular feeding to switch him to regular food, I can start ovulating and get knocked up again. I'm going to make sure I switch to the regular pill BEFORE we introduce solids to my little man. Planned parenthood. Yes.

And then I asked about what I can take for a cold. They gave me some nasal spray, but I can't even use it until after I've completely cleared out my nasal passages. I need to spray saline, take a hot shower with vix, "farmer" blow snot out my nose and then spray it. Yeah, that's convenient. It better work.

Enough about me, back to my boy. He lost some weight! I noticed it a couple weeks ago. I usually have to shove his little chunky thighs into his footie pjs so the zipper can close over him, but lately, it seemed like his clothes were looser and there was less shoving of legs into jammies. I wasn't crazy. He was down to 16.25 lbs at his appointment. I realized that this was probably because we no longer do night feedings. He's been crying himself back to sleep... IN HIS CRIB.. at night so less eating=dropping some chunk. I wasn't worried about his weight at all, but I'm glad that, as his mommy, I am not crazy and noticed that his body definitely was a little bit smaller. He's still eating regularly despite being sick so that's not the problem or anything. Just a little healthy weight loss from extra sleep.

He usually face plants and cries when on his tummy time toy. Today, I watched him face plant, but instead of cry, he just stayed there and kept playing. LOL! Must have been too tired to cry it out. 

Ry is such a little ham. He has got the fake cry to a tee. When he doesn't want to nap (which apparently is every afternoon these days), he will give me his fake cries and look over his shoulder to see if I'm watching. If I'm not, he continues with constant checks, and if I am, he cries harder. It's outstanding how a four month old baby grasps the concept of manipulation and tries to wrap me around his little fingers. Only some times do I give in.

As much as I love my little cuddle buddy at night, it's nice to have my bed back to myself. And, it's so much less stressful knowing that my hubby can come home to a bed to himself as well. Or should I say, a bed to a blanket stealing wife and three very uncuddly, bed-hogging dogs (I get their cuddle ends, he gets their feet usually). Oh well, we'll work on it when he gets home. All I can say it that I think we should invest in a king sized bed at our next long-term station. Never has a queen felt quite so small...

It's also nice having a baby who sleeps in!! I usually wake up and get anywhere from 30 mins to an hour and a half of alone time! It's great! What do I do? I've cooked breakfast twice this week. Cooked! Eggs with tomato, spinach and avocado rather than a bowl of cereal. So tasty. I've also been doing 20 mins of yoga in the mornings to keep my body in line for my work out routines. And when I finally hear his sweet little voice over the monitor, I get to go up there and find him with his eyes wide open just talking to himself in the dark. And when he finally sees my (and Cato and Denali's) face peeking over the edge of the crib, I get giant smiles. Oh, how I love those smiles.

I made him. *SIGH* Love him. 

Quick update on the dogs. Well, just the problem dog. I had to send in a rx to some New Jersey pharmacy for these special 2% whatever eye drops for Belle. They call me saying they got my rx and they were going to charge me. They told me it was $39 for the drops plus and extra $20 for shipping. Great! It was cheaper than what I thought so I said go ahead and put it on my card. I get a call back. "Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize the concentration of the drops, so the price isn't what I told you. It's $150 plus $20 for shipping." WHOA! That took me by surprise. I was not expecting that. I told her I'd call her back cause I wanted to talk to G first and see what he felt about it. My amazing husband. He said do it because he wants her healthy (swoon-what an amazing father he is). And I agree. If this will help her get her eyes to start making tears, then we'll do it. It's a lot cheaper than surgery (which is an option if we'd like. It's actually kind of cool. They would take one of her salivary glands that connects near the jaw and re-route it towards her eye balls so they moisten up there instead. I guess it's a highly successful surgery, but we'll cross that point later on if necessary.) Our little problem child. I'm so glad we adopted her and not another family that wouldn't go out of the way for her genetic problem. I love my Belle Belle so much!

Okay, this post had a lot of babbling and it really wasn't too thrilling to say the least. Of course, thank you to everyone who took the time to read about my ever-so fabulous life (sense the sarcasm). Until next time :) SMOOCHES

Molly Horsley and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Things started to go downhill last night. Ryan's been under the weather since he got his shots. No fever-just excessively screaming. Not crying. Screaming. Last night, he was so over tired and refusing to sleep that I had him screaming for about an hour and a half before he finally fell asleep. I lost it. I broke down. I put him down and had to leave the room because I couldn't handle it anymore. Not to mention yesterday, I started getting sick so I had a stuffy nose and could barely breathe and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. It was miserable.

I was ready to wake up and have a fresh start today. Wrong. Ryan woke up at 3:30 screaming, which is fine, he usually does and eventually goes back to sleep. By 4:10 I realized there was no way I was falling back to sleep. By 4:30 I realized there was no way he was falling back to sleep. I got us up and ready.

I managed to go for my run that I missed yesterday at 6 and it went well. That was good news. However, Ryan only slept for the 20 mins that I ran and woke up as soon as we got home and continued to scream. Not to mention the dogs got into the garbage during the 30 mins I was away. Between screams and cries, I managed to get us packed up, lunches made for what was to be a long day ahead of us. We got ready and headed over to Johnson's tire to get G's car detailed. Our appointment was at 10. I get there and I get the stroller loaded up, everything ready to go, and I go in there to find out the "wash" part is on the side, not the main entrance. The guys were really nice though, they said they'd walk me over there and I could leave my car so I wouldn't have to re-load everything in and out again.

So I get there and check in. They told me when I made the appointment that it'd take 3-4 hours. When I checked in, they changed it to 4-5 hours. I guess they were short a person. But that was still fine. I took my stroller and started walking to Barnes and Nobel to spend the day.

I discovered some really awesome shops on the way! I didn't realize Bagoy's sold more than flowers. I also discovered a card shop and the coolest toy store where I found leggings for Ryan. I was in high spirits as we conquered our first hour and walked into Barnes and Nobel. And then...

I really had to pee. I dragged my stroller through the door into the bathroom. There was another mom and kid in the handicap stall so I waited. I was getting annoyed as we hit the 5 minute mark, however it turns out he had an accident and she was cleaning up and changing his clothes. Despite the fact that he wasn't about the be the only with wet pants, I understood the situation and smiled as she came out. No biggie. As I peed, Ryan woke up and started fussing. His little fussed turned into screams, so I scrambled to get him out of the stroller and walked over to the cafe to feed him.

He ate, then peed so we were off to the bathroom for a second time. Again, someone was in the handicap stall making me wait. Okay, this lady was a little bit older but did she need to use the handicap stall when the other two regular ones were available? No. So was a little ticked off when she took her sweet ass time then came out with no wheelchair, no visible disabilities, and no stroller? Absolutely. I still let it slide and quickly changed Ry's diaper. By the end, he started screaming so I quickly picked him up and headed out to finally begin shopping.

We looked at the children's books. Before we made an entire round of the section, I heard a giant gurgle and before I could react, Ryan's entire back was soaked in poop. One of the biggest poop explosions I'd seen. Off to the bathroom for the third time. Luckily, no one was in the third stall this time. He screamed the whole time I tried to change him and wipe his little body down. His socks were even poopy. I had no where to put his completely soaked clothes so I wrapped it in his blanket hoping to get a bag.

Ryan barely even let me put his clothes back on. I gave up. I got his arms and head through the onesie and didn't even snap it. We went to the register to look for a baggie. As I'm in line, I overhear a woman training another woman at the registers. No joke, this is what she said, "We don't give out bags to anyone unless they make a purchase," and continues on to explain why. I get out of line, cut everyone from the front and go up to that girl. I say, "Did you just say you don't give out bags without a purchase?" She said yes. I said, "My baby just had a poop explosion, is there any way.." She cut me off and shoved a bag at me with an "Omg yes!" That was one of the highlights of my day. And so incredibly thankful that she didn't make a fuss about that. I thanked her and said, "I promise, I'll be making a purchase!"

So we've been at Barnes and Nobel for 40 minutes at this point. 3 bathroom trips. 0 shopping done. Ryan's finally happy so I get him in the stroller with teething rings and we started our shopping. I ended up getting three books and since I had a coupon and a gift card, I only paid $9. Not too shabby. We check out and I planned to go to the cafe and have lunch and chill out until the tire shop called me. The place was packed since school and lots of work had off today. Ryan started to get fussy again so I decided that maybe I'd go back to Johnson's tire and just chill out and have lunch there. And maybe I could set out a blanket and play with Ryan on their chairs.

I make it to Johnson's and see that my car is still parked in the same "wrong" spot I left it in. 2 1/2 hours later they haven't even touched my car. I go inside and get the guys attention. He looks at me, "How are you guys doing?" as if nothing is wrong. I told him that it's almost been three hours and no one hasn't touched my car. I point to my keys that are still on the desk. I tell him I have no ride and a baby and I want to know how much longer it's going to be. "Well, it'll get done sometime today." No. I have a baby. I can't sit here all day. He tells me they have a shuttle service.... but since it's MLK day, it's not up and running. Which doesn't even matter. He tries rationalizing the situation by saying "we have three other details to do today" and "there's one more person in front of you, but they have a lot of stains" and a ton of other crap which makes me think they don't actually put any effort towards their appointments. I was livid.

What ever happened to putting women and children first? Seriously? He saw me come in with a giant stroller. He didn't see me with a car seat. What does this guy think? At this point in the day, after I'd been awake for 10 hours, dealt with poop, nonstop screaming child and a cold that I can't stay home and get better I was ready to just leave. I told him I wasn't staying. He tried to reschedule me! Hell no! I'm not going back there to waste an entire day again. So ridiculous.

I got home, Ryan started crying. I got to eat lunch and as I typed this, my computer froze. I had to reboot. So now I'm home, typing to get out my frustration, and ryan is screaming his head off and I have no cure for him because I can't figure out how to make it freaking stop.

Happy Monday.

Shots, Foreskin, and Sleepless Nights

No, this entry isn't about one of my nights in college, despite the "spicy" title. Still just about my baby and weekly life updates. This has been one helluva week. Today, I was thinking that maybe I should give Ryan a bath because it felt so long since he'd had one. Tuesday. He had his bath Tuesday. And he hated it. I wash cloth him down every night before bed (I think I just made wash cloth into a verb), but we do the big ol bath time only once a week, and that night for us is Tuesday. It feels decades ago. That's just how busy I've been. And exhausted.

Happy baby face

 Despite the endless amounts of problems in my life that rely on only me to fix, this has been quite a successful week on the mommy spectrum. I GOT RYAN TO SLEEP IN HIS CRIB THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT!!! I know co-sleeping is a huge baby hazard these days (how did any of us ever survive before all this research came out?), however that's what Ryan and I have been doing. He snuggles in my bed with me for the night. Now that my husband may be coming home next month (or in March, or in July, or whenever the army decides they're going to send him to me), I really wanted my new years resolution to be getting Ryan to sleep in his crib so my husband and I could have the bed to ourselves (and the three dogs.. ) and just be able to cuddle each other rather than me worrying about barricading our baby from anything touching him throughout the night. That was a huge factor in my decision. The second factor was.. he's a very kicky baby. I have sensitive skin so him constantly kicking his little footie pajamas all over my arms was the most irritating thing to have to sleep with. Over it.

Now do I miss cuddling him? So very much. It takes every ounce of me not to get up when he fusses in the middle of the night. Okay, maybe not every ounce... there's a good chunk of me that really doesn't want to leave my nest of blankets. But I do. I do miss his tiny little body all bundled up in my arms. I miss those 3 am mornings where he kicks me, I wake up, and he gives me that giant smile and just talks to me for 20 minutes until we both finally give in to sleep. I miss watching his itty bitty stomach going up and down with each breath as he sleeps so perfectly peaceful. But I know it's better for him and my marriage that he's in his crib.

He decided he was tired of sitting up and just laid there on my lap staring at the ceiling. Such a rough life.

How did I do it? Patience. We started off all nap time at home in the crib. If he only slept in there 10 mins at a time, then that was fine, but I wanted him to at least start his naps there, even if he ended up in the swing or my arms. Same with bed time. I didn't want him to think of his crib as this terrible, lonely place. As time went on, naps got longer and bed time in there lasted til 10, midnight, 2am, then FINALLY til morning! Now, he's only slept through the night once so far. I hear him wake up on occasion and fuss until he falls asleep. They're sleepy cries (and they keep me up, I'm back to that initial motherhood exhaustion). If he gives me real cries then yes, I'll get him out of his crib and let him come back to bed with me, but so far, I haven't heard those type of cries this week. I get the bed to myself. Myself and puppies, who all have missed being able to cuddle me. I've missed my morning dose of Cato cuddles-he usually wakes me up with hugs. It's nice to get those little moments back.

On Friday, he finally went in for his 4 month shots. Poor baby. He cried so hard that no sound came out until the third shot. It was so sad. I picked him up and he was fine. However, his little legs were so sore last night. I know this because every time I changed his diaper, put on pants, or held him with bent legs, he screamed. He was so fussy all day and just cried for a good three hours resisting sleep until he finally passed out about 8:30. My little angel. He was a little sad and mopey today and it was super sweet. I gave him extra cuddles and love this afternoon. I really don't want to have to do this to him again in another two months :( But it's for the best, I know. It just breaks my heart to see him so sad. I think the absolute worst part about it was as soon as I lay him down for the shots, he gave me his giant smile and then his face suddenly dropped into a scream as the needle went in. So awful.

I've been so exhausted this week that my eye watered for 2 1/2 days nonstop. That tends to happen when I'm tired. My right eye physically cries and I can't do anything about it. It's super embarrassing to have to explain to people that I'm not sad. That, and I can't really see out of that side when it's constantly watery. I went to Papa Murphy's to pick up a pizza, and turned around and totally tripped over a wet floor sign because of my blindness. The guy told me he thought I dropped my baby. Nope, baby's fine. I'm just an idiot.

This face. I'm so in love. 

Oh, so a weird thing that I found out at our doctors appointment a couple weeks ago: circumcisions can grow back. Kind of. I've noticed his skin keeps riding it's way up and I use a wipe and try to move it down to look like a normal penis. My doctor told me that I need to keep moving it down as far as it'll go, otherwise it can get stuck and they'd have to basically snip it off again, or re-circumcise. UMMM WHAT???? I had no idea that could happen. I don't have a penis, so I really don't know much about this situation, but what I do know is that I hate touching it. The skin is really sticky. Almost like the toes of a tree frog. It sticks to the diaper and to the head of the penis and my fingers when I try to move it. I really don't know how long I'll have to keep doing this until it just decides to be regular and stay put. #mommyproblems

Speaking of penises... penii? Ryan is almost to the point that he'll start touching his. He's such a little explorer with those hands and he keeps stealing the wipe I use to cover his peep so he doesn't shoot pee at my face. It's pretty cute though, he'll grab the wipe and try to eat it and give me giant smiles at the same time like, "Look what I found, mom!" But he's getting awfully close to his junk. I'm so not ready for this! Before I know it, I'm going to have to have that "Don't touch your peepee" talk. And the worst part is that I'm totally a realist, so I'll probably end up saying something like, "That's something you shouldn't do around girls, or in public, but if you're all alone with no one around, then it's okay." Gahh I'm dreading these moments. It's bad enough that I have to have that talk with my husband. KIDDING! (or am I?) I even have that talk with my dogs (They hear common commands of "Put your weiner away" or "Don't lick your cooter".) I'm not ready to have it with my sweet, little angel baby. Why is there so much genitalia in this household???

Other than that, I started teaching a new Zumba class this week and it went really well!! The new gym even has a good child area and the girl is AWESOME with Ryan. That is a huge relief. He made it through on his first day there. So impressive. I'm also now working on a Couch to 10K goal for myself (one of my other NY resolutions is to run a 10K) so today was my first day doing their program. I started at Week 4 since I'm not quite a couch potato. I ran for 5 mins then walked for 3 and did that 4 times. Not too bad. My legs are wiped, however not to the point that I'm already planning to give up. I'm excited to work on this.

I do have good news about my hubby. He packed his bags and they're on their way home! Now does that mean he comes home early? Not necessarily. But at least it's a good start. It's so stressful not really knowing what is going to happen. I want to do an all day Zumba program to have more experience than just Basic 1, but I don't know if I'll have him home late march to watch the baby or not. Hopefully we'll find out sooner than later. Let's just say that being an army wife has really taught me a lesson in patience, problem solving, adapting to change, and being extremely independent.

"They should’ve warned me that becoming a mommy would absolutely change every single thing, but that I would never want to go back and visit the “old” me, not even for a second." ~Born To Be a Bride (see below link)

In case you all haven't picked up on this yet, I absolutely love being a mommy. We've been listening to a toddler radio Pandora station, and he adores the kids songs they sing and it melts my heart. And it's been bringing back memories of songs I forgot existed. This one in particular struck me:

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

Growing up, I never really understood the phrase, "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you." I thought, Um... duh. You say all the time you love me, so I know. But now when I hear this song as a mom, I realize how very true the lyrics are. This boy is never going to know just how much I love him. How much my heart bursts through my chest when I see him smile. How I have no idea how I can possibly miss him when he's only been napping for an hour. How I tear up just thinking of anything bad ever happening to him. How I know that I would kill with my bare hands just to keep him safe always and forever. He is my everything and I love him so much more than words can say.

But the most extraordinary thing is, no matter how much I love this child, I still love my husband more. I love him so much for having given me this little blessing. I cannot wait for him to be by my side enjoying every second of parenthood with me. I love my family so much!!! Even now as I type, I have all three dogs curled up around me and I don't think I could be any happier this very second. We are one damn cute family. All 6 of us! Oy...

I read this article today that does a really good job summing up what I'm trying to express in those last two paragraphs. I basically bawled as I read it. It's called, You Should Have Warned Me, so go read it with a tissue or two :)

I believe that is all I have to say right now. Time for a Saturday night date with Netflix and my bed. This tired girl needs it!

Four Month Check Up

Okay you guys, I'm am SO OVER this whole "single" mom thing. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm annoyed. Not with my baby, but with EVERY little thing falling on my shoulders. Last week was such a stress. Not only did I start it off terribly with that day care mishap, but between legal feuds, drs appts, more day care issues, and doggie necessities, things kept piling up, taking up time, and adding to my "to do" list. I rarely have time to sit and relax, and when I finally get that time, it seems to be the only time Ryan gets fussy. Things are just building and building and it's making me so extremely tired and worn out. My morning coffees don't even seem to make an impact on my day. I purposely waited for coffee today so I could go to Starbucks during Ryan's nap and read. As soon as we got there, he woke up so my morning time was spent with him. I'm wearing down pretty quickly right about now. However, we may have some good news coming our way which I'm holding back on announcing until things are 100% (not pregnant) so it'll be good! But again, it's another GIANT stress. I think if plans fall through, I'll be crushed. At this point, I'm not sure if I can handle any more bad news or last minute changes of plans.

I had another mishap with a different child center on Wednesday. I went to get Ryan and he was sitting in a girl's lap. I picked him up and he reeked of cigarettes. Not okay. Why do child centers hire these incapable girls to be in charge of another being's life??? It's so frustrating having him exposed to such dangerous situations when I don't even leave him for more than an hour and a half at a time. Seriously, it's not like an all day adventure. It really shouldn't be that easy to completely eff up.

Friday we had his four month check up. As soon as our dr came and and talked, Ryan burst into tears. I have a theory that he's scared of men's voices. It's happened before at the day care when another dad came in and started talking. Poor kid. Makes sense-he's stuck with me all day. If I have anyone over, it's more spouses and everyone at the CDCs are women. No men. Anyway, our dr said that our boy is big and healthy!!! He's a whopping 17 lbs! In the 84th percentile! And he's 24 inches long. Our dr looked at all of his stats and told me, "He's perfect." He IS perfect. Very perfect. I love my big boy and I love that I'm managing to keep him in line and healthy.

He's so grown up too. I can't believe he just sees his toy, grabs it, puts it in his mouth and silently plays with it. It seems like just yesterday I was soooo excited that he would hold a toy I wrap his fingers around. I watch him play and it amazes me. His grip is insanely strong! He actually gave me a titty twister last week when I was trying to feed him and I screamed out to the point that it scared him and he cried. It hurt!!! And he likes to pull my hair and try to shove it in his mouth, too. No fun.

The other day, I got my hair cut and my hair dresser was another mother co-sleeper. It's so refreshing to find another mom out there who can't get the damn "back is best" concept to work with her baby. She's had three children all of whom she co-slept. I'm still trying to get him to sleep in the crib and all, but it was just nice talking to someone who doesn't give you that look. You know. That look. We are progressing though! He's made it to midnight now a few times in the crib. And, when we're home, all nap times are in the crib as well. (Of course, right now as I'm typing, the commercial on TV says that the crib is the safest way to sleep. I even have ads coming into my own damn home telling me I'm a terrible mom. Thanks a lot, NBC. I get the point.) We'll get all the way through the night at some point. And then we'll move and everything will be complete chaos all over again. The joys of life. There's always something..

Ughhhh another stress to add this week... Ryan still has to get his next round of shots. I didn't get them until the 14th last time, so I have to wait for that date now.. Why they didn't schedule our appt on the 14th so I could do them both at the same time? I don't know. They only do pediatric shots on M/W/F and Wed we already have a vet appt and I teach that day, so it looks like Friday I'll have to take him in somewhere in between me waiting around all freaking day long for the window people to come for the THIRD time now to measure a window that needs to be replaced (they've mismeasured twice now..) and the hours that they're open.

I must say, I have no mommy fails to post this week. I've been pretty on top of it-well, as on top of it as I can be, running every which way solving everyone else's problems. No doubt, I'm about to break, but not today. Another day down. Another day somehow figured out. And now my baby is crying.. So it looks like I have no time for baby pics this time. Until later loves. Here's to hoping this week isn't nearly as strenuous as last.