5 Month Update

Before I begin, I have been awake since 1am because of my boy. With that being said, I'm still in high spirits because no amount of lack of sleep makes me any less excited to see his sweet morning smiles and hear his adorable giggles. I think I'm so used to sleepless nights that I've actually given up on the idea of trying to sleep in. I get excited when I hear Ry awake! Okay, so 1am isn't the ideal wake up time. He fell back asleep and I couldn't quite get there, and when I finally did, he woke up 10 mins later. Sucked? Yes. But my morning cuddles with this sweet boy totally made up for it. (Now if this blog doesn't make any sense, this is the reason why. I'm a zombie. Ready. Let's go.)

On Friday, Ryan turned FIVE MONTHS OLD. Holy cow!! This is our last month before I introduce solids. As weird as the whole concept of breast feeding is, I'm totally going to miss it. Before Ryan was born, I remember telling myself that I was going to "try to make it to six months" as if it's such a terrible, difficult task to breast feed. But now, there's no way I'm going to start weening him any time soon. I'm not dying to get him off the boob. It's honestly so convenient. Free food any time he wants it. And like every mother says... the bonding experience is a major plus. Now am I going to be a mom who breast feeds until her child is four? Hell no. My goal is to incorporate breast milk into his diet up until about 12 months if my body allows-whether it's from me or from pumped milk in a bottle. Either way, these boobies aren't going anywhere any time soon.

5 month old!!! 

If I haven't said it before, I'm going to say it again: What to Expect Your First Year is an amazing book. It is so informative and unbiased. Without it, I'd have no idea what I was doing. And the sad part is I hear so many other first time moms with these insane questions that I just want to say.. GO READ SOMETHING! I'm a part of a few Facebook mommy groups. It's great to have support from other moms who have been there before or are there now and can sympathize with you. And don't get me wrong, when I have a question and our doctor isn't open (why does everything seem to occur on Friday nights?) and our NURSES HOTLINE DOESN'T WORK (let's not get me started on that rant again... &*%$ing military medical clinics...) it's nice to ask, "hey, has anyone had this issue, and what does your doctor say?" and I get some feedback then do some research on what people say. I do this in my one "closed" group that is selective with who is invited (we're kind of a big deal).

However, there are groups open to so many moms that I had to leave because women just ask questions that should require seeing a doctor and then women give stupid responses. One mom answered, "well, it was okay to do while pregnant, so it must be okay to do while breast feeding." FALSE! Your body while pregnant is completely different than your body while breast feeding. Yes, you don't need to be nearly as careful post-pregnancy as you did before, but that doesn't mean you should just assume things are okay because they were before! We have internet in our hands at all times (because we're attached to our phones), free libraries, and calling your doctor and getting advice is free! Don't go asking complete strangers through Facebook what is or isn't okay because you're too lazy to look something up yourself. This is one thing that pisses me off. We rely more on people we have never met nor know nothing about than actual scientific research. This can easily lead me on a tangent about getting your children vaccinated, but I'm not going to step there today. (GET YOUR KIDS VACCINATED).

So this book...  it's such a great guideline as to where Ryan is with his development, where he should be in the upcoming month, things to look for, things to introduce, types of toys best for his stage of development, etc. etc. Go buy this book!!! It's given me so many ideas as to how to get him to sleep through the night (don't use last night as an example), how to start introducing solids (when we get to that point), ways to talk to him, and just so much other stuff. I feel like a baby expert. I actually have moms asking me what my tricks are. I read. I do research. I also get their daily emails sent to my phone and read the little articles about bath time and whatnot. I do my work! I don't rely on strangers. If something doesn't feel right, I call the doctor. I base all of my parenting off of research and science and guess what? I have one freaking awesome, happy baby who is very fat and healthy off of breast milk. I'm not trying to be aggressive at all saying that people out there are bad moms if they don't read this book. Not at all. But I think this book can relieve a lot of stress and take some of the pressure off of moms all over the country. People ask, "why can't they write about book about what I'm supposed to do?" They did. You just have to take time and read it.

<3

Enough about that book (gosh, Molly, you should just go marry it). A couple weeks ago, we had the BIGGEST POOP EXPLOSION thus far (I've dealt with worse, but not from my boy.) All up his back. And I mean all. His entire back was covered in poop from his shoulder blades down (I must say, Tide detergent works wonders! It all came out on the first wash). I brought him upstairs to his changing table. I have these cloth changing pad things that I used for the changing table attachment on our pack and play. I've now come to realize that they are perfect for poop explosions. I put it down under him and peeled this poopy clothes from his skin. As soon as I took his diaper off, it was like a dam broke. Poop just spilled out onto this mat in a giant puddle. I stood there with a wipe in hand like an idiot. As if one wipe even could make a difference at this point. And of course, my happy baby loves to kick so his legs soon became poopsicles. What do you do when you spill a glass of water on the floor? You toss a crap ton of paper towels on the pile and hope to absorb the water. That's what I did. I just starting throwing wipe after wipe at him with the hopes of decreasing the size of the puddle Ry was splashing in. All I did was wipe, toss, and repeat. When his body was clean enough to pick up, I folded up his clothes into the changing pad and tossed it aside. Cleaned the rest of his backside in the air and put him down to get him cleaned and dressed. Why didn't I just put him in the tub? Because we bathe together and I don't think there was enough time to strip myself down-nor did I want to have to then find time to shower to get his poop prints from my body. It was such a disaster.

I think the saddest part about this situation was that I was so excited for him to poop that I didn't even care about the mess. Ever since that green bean incident over a month ago, Ry's bowels have been off. He'd only been pooping once every 1-2 days. Last week, he finally started pooping once a day, and now he's averaging about 3 a day. It's such a success to have smelly diapers. The little wins in life.

I've had a few nights a couple weeks ago that I lost it. I felt like I just couldn't handle his crying for another second. Very few times do I completely break down, but these two nights in a row I just cried while he cried. He was crying simply because he was overly tired and refused to sleep. I 100% understand how shaken baby syndrome happens. As a parent, you hit that point where you get angry and want to shake your child saying, "Why won't you shut up???" Of course, I didn't do that. Although I did yell, "Go to sleep!" a couple times. Not the most productive parenting, but the Shaken Baby Syndrome movies they made us watch in the hospital basically said that you should find other ways deal with the crying, whether its leaving the room, drowning out the noise, or whatever else works other than shaking your baby. For me, it was yelling. I rarely yell so it felt good to just relieve the stress. It's not like I could just leave him home alone and go work out. And I don't want to drown out his noise. His cries are the only things that tell me if something is wrong. I felt like a terrible mother. I even emailed my husband telling him that I actually hated the sound of his cries and didn't want to have to do it anymore. But I sucked it up, held my baby tight and we just cried it out together until he eventually (60 mins later) fell asleep. These nights happen. These nights suck. These nights make me feel like a terrible mom, but they are normal and we all have them (I think). Obviously, I think I'm the best mom in the world because my baby is the best baby in the world, so heres my point: even great moms can have un-great moments and it's very, very okay. Just don't shake your baby! I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if something happened to him in the one second that I snapped. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Blech.

Eating his book/reading. 

I try to do 20 mins of yoga in a mornings a few times a week. I had an epiphany one morning while doing it. I have three dogs (one who is high-energy/high-anxiety, another who requires 9 eye drops a day, and an angel) with an infant in Alaska where I have one good friend (my others have all moved away by this point) and no family near by and a husband who was deployed. People always ask me how I do it. I never really knew. But I realized that yoga is the reason I get through each day with a smile. I breath through the stress. I bring calmness to the storm. I work hard yet stay relaxed. If you take yoga, you probably understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, then you really should. I think that is the key component to keeping my life together.

Another thing people tend to say to me is, "I don't think I could do it," in regards to my life. That always bothers me. Guess what? I don't $@&%ing think I can do it either. Do you think I chose to live in Alaska? Of all places to live, Alaska is not my choice. I absolutely love it up here, yes. Once we move, will I be back? Most likely not. Yes, I chose to have three dogs. There are days that I wish we only had two. Or even one. Would we have gotten a third had I known the expenses and eye care that Belle was about to endure?  Or even the fact that my calm, sweet Cato would have a puppy who turned out to be insanely hyper and anxious all the time? Maybe not. I would never give up any of my babies in a million years. I love all of them. But I did not choose the way things turned out. And can I sit here and say, "I can't do it" and whine like a little bitch? No. I just keep taking care of them. Keep putting drops in Belles eyes. Keep bundling up in the cold weather. Keep making sure everyone gets fed. Keep trying to make sure no one is bleeding or on fire or left outside or whatever else can happen in this house. I just keep going because I don't have a choice. So you don't think you can do it? Guess what, neither do it, but I don't have that option. I understand people use that phrase as a compliment, but to me, I just want to look at them and say STFU.

Puppy cuddles.

There has been a giant change in our life this past week. G came home from his deployment!! It's so nice to have him home, however it's not easy. The first couple days were rough. We weren't fighting, but we were bumping heads and we both didn't really know what to do with each other. It was kind of like we both saw each others point of view so we didn't want to start a fight, but at the same time, we both wanted to just continue our lives the way we'd been doing so. Me with my baby routines and schedules and G with his relaxing after work and time to just unwind. There were so many times I just wanted to yell at him. I really don't know why. He honestly didn't do anything wrong, but I just wanted to say, "THIS IS WHAT I'VE FREAKING BEEN DOING FOR 4 MONTHS WITH NO HELP. YOU CAN..." and then fill in the blank with whichever situation it was: make dinner. Change the diaper. Get groceries. Turn the tv off. Play with your son. Put up with the crying. And it's not like he objected to doing any of these things (like I said, he really didn't do anything wrong.) I think I just resent the fact that he'll never really understand what I've been doing while he was away and I want to take my frustrations out on him (which is wrong, I know. I'm not letting that happen). But he's never going to have that feeling of not being able to escape. If I leave for a few hours and Ryan cries the whole time, he at least knows I'm coming home and may be able to pass him off or switch it out. I never got that. And something about that almost makes me angry. It's not like G was off vacationing for four months and having fun. I know he was miserable too and wanted nothing more than to be able to come home and help. I worry that I'm just going to snap on him for no reason whatsoever. I really am so happy to have him home and I've laughed harder than I've laughed in months and I've missed having my best friend home so the last thing I want to do is cause tension over something so stupid such as female hormones.

Boys

SPEAKING OF: The new birth control I'm on.. holy crap. This girl cannot stop eating. Ever. We ordered a family sized papa murhpys pizza the other night. I ate half. It wasn't even just cheese..it had filling toppings like sausage and mushrooms and other stuff. I ate half. AND WAS STILL HUNGRY. I proceeded to eat cheesy bread and cinnamon sugar pretzels. My stomach is like an empty pit. I hate it. We're going to go broke if my body doesn't adjust to it soon. It's driving me insane. This is now week three of starvation mode.

I learned something this week. Mila Kunis' baby girl, Wyatt (Ryan's future wife) is wearing 6-9 month clothes at the age of 4 months. WOWZA! That's a big girl. Which means that if someone tells me how big Ryan is one more time, I'm going to use this little trivial fact to prove that he's not THAT big. At least Ry's still in his 3-6 month clothes at age 5 months.

Ry loves his daddy so much

Ryan's newest thing is fake coughing. He was sick a few weeks ago (if you remember from reading) and it's like ever since then, he discovered a new way to move his mouth and tongue and now has to always do it. It's actually pretty cute. He sticks his tiny baby tongue out (I want to pet it, like a whale. I don't.) and curls it up and forces this tiny cough out. It sounds like Zoolander. Totally fake and adorable. He's just such a munchkin. I want to eat him up. He also is discovering new sounds. He used to yell at me or his toys. Now he screams. High pitch screams and squeals. What ever happened to his sweet baby coos? They have been completely taken over by the sounds of a pterodactyl. That's what. gosh, I love him!

I guess I don't have any mommy fails this week. Just wife fails. If I seem bitter this post, keep in mind. It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been awake for 4 1/2 hours. Plus, I venting on "paper" (can I just start calling this e-paper?) makes me feel a hell of a lot better. It's no yoga, but it works.  I'm also aware of the fact that I have no transitions between paragraphs. Don't care. Need a second cup of coffee. LOVE TO THOSE WHO READ!