10....11...12...?

Okay, I've completely lost track of weeks. In all fairness, after the first two months, I don't think keeping track of weeks is really necessary. Those first two months, it seemed like each day was a huge step towards his progress from newborn to infant, which made weeks really significant and different. Don't get me wrong, my little man changes every day still, but I think it's more appropriate to assess his achievements by the month from now on (until I lose track of those). Here's how his age is going to measure: "Oh look, he's 2 months!" "Now how old? Oh, a little over 2 months." "He's about 2  1/2 months." "What's that? Oh, he's just about three months old." "Oh yay! He's finally three months!" And so on.. Plus, what kind of sick person makes you do math when asking for your age? That's why they ask you on forms at the doctors office your date of birth, and then also your age. No one needs the extra math. Not even those who went to medical school.

This past week was a big one for me! Well, nothing too big, but I got back and taught my first Zumba class since before the baby!! I was going to go to an instructor's class to see how I'd do getting back into full swing Zumba for an hour (I'd only built myself up to about 40 minutes in my family room), and instead, she ended up being sick and asked me to sub. I'm still no where near 100% to how my body used to move or even my endurance, but I lasted the hour and felt so amazing afterwards. I felt like my old self again. Just me. I wasn't a mom. I didn't have the stress of going back home to take care of everything all by myself. I didn't even care that I wasn't at my best. For that hour, I was in my happy zone and there was nothing that could take that feeling away from me. It was pure freedom. Yesterday, we had a Zumbathon. I wish I could say it went as well as that Thurs night class, but I somehow got a stomach flu bug the night before so I was incredibly weak and tired, but managed through.

Which brings me to my next point. Being a sick mom sucks. It really sucks. There were a few times I thought I'd throw up on Ryan while trying to feed him. I went from chills to hot sweats. I could barely move from the couch to change his diapers-I stacked them all up next to the changing table so I didn't have to go out of my way to throw them out. At one point, I went to get water, but left my cup by the couch so I just made a new one because it hurt so much to travel. Ryan was a good sport though. He didn't mind snuggling all day on the couch with me, or even having his play time on the couch seat next to me while I sluggishly waved stuff in front of his face. It was miserable. And the puppies didn't even want to cuddle me-which they usually do when I feel sick. I felt so abandoned. The good news is at least I'm used to it. I usually only get extremely sick on the days G ends up working over night, in the field, or just super late. I'm used to being miserable by myself-I guess that's a good thing since I really have no choice. I'm just so glad I was able to sleep it off and make it to the Zumbathon the next day-with whichever energy I had left in me.

Other than the sickness, being a mom has been so great. Seeing my little boy's smiles every morning makes each day worth it. Same with the pups, watching the weird little things they do cracks me up. I love all of my babies so much (right now, Cato and Denali are both trying to lick the exact same spot on Cato's leg. What?). I've discovered that all of those love songs I've listened to throughout the years about people from my past now all apply to my little man. I think Elton John's Your Song is my favorite to sing to Ry. It's so cliche, but it's so true-once you have a baby, nothing and no one else in the world really matters besides him. He becomes the center of your universe and the love of your life. I read this article online and it said, "You never realize how much your parents loved you until you have a baby," and it's true. The love you feel is incomparable and it makes you appreciate your parents even more. It's such a crazy thing. How could I have gone 27 years without realizing this? It's almost a cruel lesson-I wish I'd have gone my whole life knowing this feeling from the start. And now this little man will grow up having no idea what I've endured until he has his first child.

Anyway, I got my little guy to sleep, which means I have maybe 15 minutes to get ready for the day. Must make use of my time. Until later my friends! Love to those who read :)

Patron on the Rocks, It's Time for Baby's Shots

Since we were out of town for Ry's 2 month appt, we rescheduled it to last week-only one week overdue. This was the first appointment for him to get his baby shots. I was really nervous! People explained this appointment to me saying that I had to strap him down and he'd look into my eyes screaming and begging for the pain to stop. No mother wants to see that look in their child's eyes. Safe to say, I was a little shaky going into immunization that day.

So we get there and there's one person ahead of us. Go figure, it's another mother taking her baby in for her 2 months shots as well. It was awful. I heard that baby screaming bloody murder and continue to cry for about 5 minutes before she calmed down. A few minutes later they walked back out to the waiting room. I had tears in my eyes because I felt so awful that I was going to do that to the boy I love most in the world (even though it's obviously for his benefit). I sucked it up and shortly after we got called back.

Ry was sleeping so I pulled him out of his car seat. They gave him an oral medication and then got his thighs ready with bandaids and sanitizing swabs. The dr did the first injection, and Ryan started to whimper a little bit, then the dr quickly did the next two, covered the spots with the already placed bandaids, and before I knew it, everything was over and Ryan had already stopped crying. I even had to ask, "Is that is?" because I expected it to go way worse like that little girl ahead of it. It was awesome! My boy is such a trooper. I can't believe I cried over someone else's stupid baby getting shots. (No, their baby isn't stupid, okay?)

After that, we headed to his actual doctors appointment. He's a little giant! He weighed in at 13.75 pounds. No wonder I can't carry him! (I picked him up this morning, and I'm pretty sure he's already hit 14-he feels heavier). Between him and that car seat snap and go thing that I drag him around in EVERYWHERE, I'm carrying 20+lbs. Yet with all this weight lifting, I still can't do a push up.. He also measured in at almost 23 inches. My brain can't process circumference so I have no idea how many inches his head measured around, but the doctor told me that he's right on track and is a healthy boy! We also had to take a little survey thing, and it said he's a little behind on his motor skills (like, grabbing toys and holding on to them) but it's nothing to worry about-which I'm not. He's only 2 months. I'm not going to start measuring how "great" he is compared to every other baby at this point.      Unless he's showing signs of underdevelopment, I'm not going to fret. And he's not.

One thing I brought up to his doctor is his belly button! He has the weirdest thing going on down there. It almost looks like an outie, but it has some brownish color on it, and it pushes in like a bubble almost. The dr explained it as almost an umbilical hernia. He said he's seen really big ones, and Ry's in minor and it may get pushed in as he grows. If not, it's until until he's 3 or 4 years that they can even cosmetically do anything about it. I thought it was interesting. I knew I wasn't crazy that something wasn't right with his belly! Is it bad that I'm glad it's a hernia and not an outie? I don't want him to grow up looking like a cabbage patch kid his whole life. Again, this is another thing I shouldn't worry about, according to him.

Look at that belly button! Not to mention that big boy belly... :)

Ryan's getting so grown up. I bought him a Bumbo (from someone selling theirs for $20-sweet!) and he loves just sitting in, staring at his hands. He looks like a little person in it! It's crazy how he can go from looking like a little baby to a child within seconds. He's already growing up way too quickly.

All grown up in the Bumbo!

Saturday, we went to Babies R Us for a baby's 1st Christmas event. Not gonna lie-it was lame. We got there at 10, and there were maybe 6 other babies that showed up. They had one thing that we could do-make ornaments which actually was really cute!! I'm glad we got to do that, but they other thing they had was coloring and story time. Okay, this event is for babies. Under the age of 1. My baby got absolutely no benefits from a story time read by someone standing half a store away (which is good, because we missed it anyway to go shop instead) nor can he hold a freaking marker to color. And if he could, I wouldn't want that scribble up on my tree. Let's call a spade a spade, it would have sucked. The only other thing they had was a raffle for everyone. But! They waited til the very end to do it. They wouldn't pull any numbers until 11 o'clock. I'm sorry, but I had other things to get done and had a baby with me. It was almost feeding time and nap time. I'm not going to sit there doing NOTHING for an entire hour. We left early. Plus, the giveaways weren't very exciting.

The. Cutest. 

It's things like this that make me really want to get into event planning. I could have taken over and the whole thing would have been way better. Pretty much, everything they had lasted a total of 10 minutes and the rest was 50 minutes of standing around. So dumb. But I do have to say, my little boy was best dressed and the CUTEST because he had on his Santa outfit. And since he had on his Santa outfit, I was able to get his pictures with Santa at the mall that day. They were adorable together, and this Santa didn't smell, seem drunk, and was very jolly! He absolutely loved Ryan and played with him. It was adorable seeing Santa and Santa jr together. Of course, Ryan smiled after we got the pictures done... Oh well. (This paragraph is really poorly structured. I was going to go off on a rant about how I could have bettered the event, but decided to change topic to avoid complaining too much-I'm sure my readers can only take so much.)

We met the real deal! Lol. That face. 

Now that I'm a mom, I am terrified all the time. I feel like I'm constantly feeding or trying to get this baby to sleep and have no time for myself, but when I do have time for myself, I'm constantly running over to him to make sure he's still breathing. I had a scare a couple weeks ago. This is my biggest mommy fail yet. We had just gotten back from "vacation" and I was trying to get him used to not being held all the live-long day. He was tired so I put him down. He started crying. I tried to let him cry it out, but he didn't stop. Finally, I brought him downstairs to his swing. He didn't stop. He wasn't wet. He was fed. So he was just tired-crying. Finally, I tried to hold/walk with him. He didn't stop, so I (what do you know, he just started crying! I think he has a 6th sense) put him with his toys so I could keep an eye on him while I tried to finish my workout video. All of a sudden, I see his eyes bulge, his face red, boogers pouring down his face, and he's gasping for air. I'd never been more scared in my life. I grabbed him so quickly and tried to remember everything I learned in CPR about infants. I was hitting his back and he finally coughed and was back to crying/breathing. Never been more thankful in my life. It was terrifying.

I must admit, this has been a huge setback of trying to get him to sleep at night in his crib. If I put him down and he fusses, I try to wait it out, but once there's tears, I don't care, I'm cradling this baby in my arms. Every time. We'll get there at some point, but right now, I am too scarred from that incident to leave him crying somewhere. No no no. And he's stayed sleeping with me so I could watch him.

With that being said, this week I really am trying to work on getting him out of my bed and possibly getting him closer to sleeping through the night. Last night, he lasted 5 minutes in his crib before waking himself out and freaking out. It's a start. He's nowhere near making it through the night either.  His diapers can't handle it. I changed him a few times last night and tried to make it from 11-4, but there was some leakage anyway. We'll get there when we get there. I'm in no rush. Waking up at night still sucks a lot, but I'm not desperately trying to eliminate them right now. I can tolerate it.

I've been awake for almost 4 hours and haven't accomplished anything! This boy is so fussy-looks like another day for Tylonol for him :( Poor guy. I wish my entries were more exciting. I'm still just trying to catch up on life. So much to do. I'm not going to re-read for typos so ya'll will have to deal with it right now. I've got an angry bird on my hands. Until next time! xoxo

2 Months

I have a 2 month old baby! I cannot believe it. He's HUGE. I swear, there are days when I pick him up in the morning and realize that he's heavier than when I put him to sleep. I am in absolute disbelief. Two months. Wow. That also means I have been renting away my boobies every 2(ish) hours for 60 days. It's really not nearly as bad being a mommy slave to your baby's mouth as I thought. I'm now used to planning my time around his schedule and sucking it up when he's going through a growth spurt and wanting to eat every hour during peak hunger times.

My little 2 month old!!! Getting so large :) 

After three weeks of being back in IL/IN and living out of suitcases and going between families and packing and unpacking and repacking for the day or night, I am happy to say that I am finally home in Alaska. Home sweet home. I got in late Thurs night and picked up the puppies yesterday. My crazy, chaotic, non-stop life style is back. I really miss my husband being here to help out. I was spoiled these past 3 weeks. I think the thing I miss the most is having time to get ready and being able to shower without hearing my baby screaming from his crib. That, and just having extra support.

My little t-rex on Halloween. 

I had to drove G off at the airport on Wednesday. It sucked. Another heartbreaking moment to add to this accumulation. I miss him so much already-and it has nothing to do with the extra help for the baby. At least this time our countdown begins at 8 months instead of 9? I'll take what I can get.

Now that this baby is bigger, he's screaming a lot these days. He fights sleep like none other. I think it's because he's more aware of his surroundings and being awake is a lot more exciting than sleeping.  For me, that means I need to make extra time in my day to give him extra cuddles. Sucks when I'm trying to get something done (it took me two days to unpack and finish 1 load of laundry) but at the same time, I love my little baby boy cuddles. Chores (and make up) can wait; he's only a baby once :)

Being gone for a week is exhausting. Times that by three, and I'm just overwhelmed. Next week, I'm already trying to squeeze in all the appointments I had to cancel while I was gone-including baby Ryan's appointment for shots :/ I feel so sorry for him. I'll have to give him extra love when it's all over. I had a whole laundry list of things to do today (including laundry) and only got about 40% of them done. There's always tomorrow.

One thing I did get done that was on my list was give Ryan a massage with coconut oil. I read about it in the What to Expect book. Cosmo got me through college, now What to Expect is getting me through motherhood. This thing is brilliant. If only it had more half naked men in it. So I did this massage and he loved it! He was so happy and kicky the whole time and the best part? He's passed the eff out right now. Glorious.

The boys trying to lick off the coconut oil from Ry's massage

Earlier, I took him for a run. I signed up for a 5K on Thanksgiving Day and just realized how incredibly close Thanksgiving is, and how incredibly out of shape I am. I ran about 2 miles (went to Red Box and back...and may have picked up a bottle of wine for my stash). There was one of those electronic speedometers on my way back, and as I passed it, it tracked me at 5mph! LOL! I thought that was hilarious, yet also really sad. I usually run at a 6.5 pace. Looks like I'll use these next few weeks getting my run on.

I think I'm too behind on life to make this post more interesting. That, and I'm still on Chicago time which means I wake up at 3:30, eat lunch at 9:30 and dinner at 3:30 to pass out at 6. The fact that the sun is starting to set at 3:30 these days adds to my exhaustion. Good old Alaskan winter. It's Saturday night which means I'm going to use the rest of my night to absorb as many puppy and baby cuddles as possible and email my man before passing out. Hope whoever is reading this is doing something much more interesting! Until next time.

1.5 Meses

6-7 weeks old is probably my favorite age, ever! Why? Baby boy isn't teething, he's sleeping fairly well, he's really starting to use his voice and stay awake during the day longer (which isn't as terrible as I predicted it to be.. yet), he doesn't talk yet, which means he can't talk back! AND he's not crawling and getting into things yet. He's still just a little baby who's learning more and more each day.

Tomorrow he turns 8 weeks, and I can tell he's already changing. I sleep with him at night (take me away, I'm terrible!) and he has become SO INCREDIBLY SQUIRMY that I wake up to punches every morning. In the face. IN. THE. FAAAACE (the Hangover, anyone? anyone?) He's now starting to squirm when he's eating, which means not only am I getting kicked in the stomach, hips, legs, wherever, but I also have a fussy baby in my arms because my nipple keeps magically disappearing from his mouth.

G caught us snuggling one morning

He is such a little talker. Oh my. My heart can't handle how cute my whole family is-I think it may explode soon. He just talks up a storm to his hands, me, toys, or the tv. The noises and coos are so much stronger than they used to be. Today is Halloween and he's going to be a dinosaur. I think it'll be the perfect outfit for when he makes his pterodactyl mating calls that come out of him mostly when he's about to poop. I love this baby! I wish I could just have a baby. Like when you get a dog, they relatively stay a dog... they don't grow up, learn to yell at you, defy you, become old and run off and get married. Well, I want a baby who will just stay a baby. Now I understand why people keep popping them out. They probably think, "Damn, my child really isn't as cute as he was when he was a baby, let's just make another one so we can have a baby back in the house."

Speaking of seconds, I've considered greatly only having one baby for many selfish reasons. 1. My body and labor did not find each other cute. 2. These late night feeds also aren't cute. 3. I really don't think I will be able to handle this munchkin between ages 2 and 4 (originally where baby #2 would have come into play) 4. I already have 4 mouths to feed everyday, not including my husband. 5. I am terrified that my next baby will have a +1 attached to it. Call me crazy, but my biggest fear is more than one baby at a time. I only signed up for 2 as my maximum number of kids so if we get an extra surprise, I haven't quite started a savings account to hire a nanny. Plus, I'm an independent lady. I don't think I'd cooperate well with another person in my house on a day-to-day basis.

My little fall baby. Enjoying some leaves before we go back home to snow

Again, I haven't completely ruled out a second. Why? I still want a girl to dress up in bows and tutus. Also, I know it'd be awesome for Ryan to have a sibling to grow up with, especially since we plan to move every few years. AND when my little nephew who is four sees our Donut Baby, he is so freaking adorable with him (he gives baby Ry hugs and kisses and sings to him), it makes me want to have that in our family. Of course, there's the giant chance that Ry would be jealous of a baby instead of in love. I guess we'll see.

This would be the part where I discuss the process of baby making and what sex is like after a baby, however I think too many family members read this blog and I'm sure my husband wouldn't appreciate it either. I think I may save this topic for a rainy day, but here's a warning, I will write about it at some point because the main reason I started this blog was to show the reality of pregnancy, labor and motherhood rather than sugar coat things. To me, that was the most helpful part when it came to learning about pregnancy, and I'd like to pass the info along to other first-time mommy's (there's a Facebook group I'm in... I'm lame, I get it, but it was so incredibly helpful those 9 months!)

I'm still not yet back home to Alaska. I just booked my flight yesterday and I leave in one week-Nov. 6, Ry's 2 month... birthday? Aside from the circumstances as to why we came home, I've been enjoying my time with family. We got free tickets to go see the Blackhawks on Sunday which was awesome since G and I have never seen a game together. We've gone to Alaska Aces games, which suck so much they're fun. Personally, I'd rather watch a hockey game than any other sport. I even told myself in high school that I'd marry a hockey player. Of course, I now retract that statement because I don't want a man who takes out his teeth at night for another 5 decades or so. It was a very fun night! We also took our little man out to Cantigny to look at the WWII tanks and walk around Gen. McArthur's estate. We decided we're going to retire in our big house on a plantation in the south. Looks like I better start searching for a job!

Ry's first football game! Watching his uncle play :)

We've also just enjoyed each other's company. G leaves to go back overseas on Wednesday so I'm trying to soak him up as much as possible. I can't believe I have to say goodbye AGAIN. I'm back into a stage where I just want to burst into tears. We're already down 1 month, but another 8 months still a long ass time. The emotional stress of having to go through this AGAIN is annoying-just look at all the zits on my face and you'll be able to tell my state of being. Seriously, these last 5 weeks have just been incredibly unpredictable and not in our favor. I'm really doing my best not to fall apart and avoid contact with the outside world. I think when I get home, I'll get my little fur babies (I miss their faces) and spend a day on the couch just trying to decompress and get my life together.

I miss working out. I miss going to the gym and doing Zumba. I have lots of goals for November (including less sugar..yikes, more water, more protein and veggies, and getting my body back into shape-aka cardio, toning and flexibility). I start teaching again in December which is AWESOME and I can't wait. Although I can, because I've only worked myself back up to about 30 mins of Zumba. This "vacation" has been kind of a set back. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start working out a little each day, and sticking to it! No more excuses. Which means today, I can binge eat Halloween candy (if there's no chocolate in it) and be a lazy bum. Last day. Ready, go.

As I said, next week I'll have a 2 month old baby. Where has the time gone??? He grows so much every day! My biceps can't keep up with him (another reason I've got to get back into shape). He's such a strong little man and slowly growing some baby fat. Before I know it, he's going to be walking. I caved and got What to Expect Your First Year. This book has been an incredible tool! I love it! No, I'm not one of those mom's who goes by the book and thinks there's a "right" and "wrong" for motherhood-which is why I love it. It gives so many tips and suggestions and offers stages that my baby may be at in this point of his life. It also clearly and repetitively states that not every baby is at the same pace and that's OKAY because it's not a competition, which makes me feel better about mothering as well. I strongly suggest it to anyone who craves knowledge like I do.

Once things settle down, I'll probably get to post more updates. I feel like there's so much I miss out on when writing. Life has been hectic, and it probably will be until the day before I leave. At times like these, it's best to take it one day at a time. Today, we're taking Ry Ry trick or treating and to my mom's school's Halloween parade. I'm glad his daddy at least gets to be here for one holiday. Until next time!

6 Weeks, and then some...

This past week has been a giant lesson for me in how to be a wife and a mother. It has not been an easy week. I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with my doctors appointment. I went to my postpartum check up and the midwife there basically was looking for any signs of depression. She pretty much told me that since I had makeup on and was dressed nicely (ah thank you) she wasn't concerned about me-which I also said she shouldn't be because I'm honestly handling things okay.

When I got home, my uncle called (my husbands side) and told me that my mother-in-law was in a coma and they had no way to get a hold of G. I told them I'd try to do what I could to reach my man who was deployed. Now 2:35 Alaska time means that it's the dead middle of the night my husbands time. I sent him a FB message and texted his phone to call me. I then contacted the American Red Cross emergency line to try to send a message about what happened and to contact his family.

Okay, small vent. I don't think an EMERGENCY line should have an option to put you on hold. Well, that's the first thing that I had to do. I'm sitting there, hands shaking from hearing such terrible news, on hold! Luckily, I didn't have to hold for long, however I was still a little annoyed. That, and I had 2 dropped calls during the process. Figures. So I give them all the info they need; I even call back with further info and what do they tell me? "They may or may not call you back." My question was how do I know if they contact my husband. That sounded reliable...

Daddy and son

It wasn't. This might not be accurate, however I was informed that they would contact people, who contact people, who contact my husband's unit overseas, who informs him. Well, instead, they contacted his unit back home who couldn't get a hold of anyone (which is why I called Red Cross in the first place because we couldn't reach anyone else). Basically, 11 hours later, I got an email saying they finally reached my husband who should be contacting me soon.

Before these 11 hours passed, I did everything I could think of to wake him up. I texted his phone probably 30 times hoping the noise would bother him. I even called his international phone, not caring about the charge, however it started talking to me in German, so I hung up. Turns out, his phone was turned off and didn't get any of the texts. Well, I had also skyped him another 30 times, hoping that noise would wake him up. I spent all of Thursday trying to get a hold of him, and just basically waiting for him to wake up.

He finally woke up and messaged me. Telling him that his mother was in a coma was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. I had to type it (I really don't think I could have gotten the words out of my mouth) and wait for him. Knowing I couldn't be there to just hold him and let him talk was heart breaking. Being so far from someone you love while they hurt is nothing short of miserable. I knew he was breaking, and I could do nothing.

We started making arrangements for both of us to go home. This is where I am so grateful for the Army. They may eff you over a few times and give you the run around and crappy services, however this case made up for all the screw ups we've been through. They not only paid for G's ticket home, they arranged and paid for mine AND baby Ryan's. I know traveling with an infant under the age of 1 is free, but when I got to the gate to arrange my seats, I found out that they booked us two seats for extra room. I nearly burst into happy tears. Also, I had amazing support on base where spouses took care of my pups last minute, knowing I have no set date when I'll be back. Making everything come together in less than 24 hours was so stressful (just look at the zits on my face) and seeing people pull through for you in a time of need is priceless.

Okay, so I had to fly with my 6 week old son for the first time. Thoughts? I was terrified he'd be the baby on the plane screaming the whole time. Guess what? He did AMAZING. Our first flight to Minneapolis was 5 hours. He slept for 4, and the last hour, we played quietly until we landed. However, after we docked (docked? I know it wasn't a boat, but whatever) and I had to get our stuff situated, he started to freak out. We were in the very last row. Last ones to get out. The plane was super hot, I had no space to try to squeeze him into my ergo carrier and he was not feeling it. I had to walk to the back and bounce him around until pretty much everyone else left. The second flight was only 2 hours, and he slept the whole time. Like I said, this baby was AMAZING. I was very very very relieved.

Baby's first flight!! He did so well. 

I'll stop with the play by plays, otherwise we'd be here forever. After circling the international terminal a million times, we found Greg. We made a few stops then went over to the hospital. The next day, his mother passed. I tend to be a very emotional person, and I never thought I could be that person that someone can rely on in times like this, but I held myself together and did my best just to be there while everyone said their goodbyes. I shake thinking about this moment. Because we're never really around his family, living half a country away in the middle of the arctic tundra, I sometimes don't feel too much like a wife because I usually just go home to my family for certain occasions. I sometimes just feel like a girlfriend, best friend, roommate, or even fiancé, but that day, I felt like a wife. I realized that I have a whole second half of family (some I never even met til that weekend) which I am a part of, and watching my husband's mother die, is watching my mother die.

This week, the family made funeral arrangements for this Saturday. G's mom did not have life insurance, nor assets to cover the cost of the funeral, nor is she married. We found out it's going to cost the family $14K for everything. Actually, not everything-a lot of fees were wavered. We are going to split the cost with his uncle, however it's still a lot of money all of a sudden to have to pay-for both halves. We started an online site for donations in case any friends or family are willing to help us out (click here to donate). We are appreciating all of the support we've been receiving so far. It's amazing how moments like these show people's true colors.

Selfiessss. This is only half the family. 

I must say, despite the reason why we had to come home, it really is nice that both G and I are home with our baby hanging with his side of the family and getting to know them more than the few times we've hung out-and also letting Ryan meet his new aunts, uncles and cousins! I really didn't think the opportunity for Ryan would come until we were out of Alaska so I'm blessed that he's able to bond with family even sooner. He's one spoiled baby! And loving every second of it :)

Okay, so this baby has prevented me from writing this all in one sitting. I have no idea if I said all that I need to say, if my paragraphs even get to the point, or if things flow at all. My main points: being a wife means a whole lot more than saying, "I do", this week has been the hardest week of our lives, and I'm glad Ryan is meeting his family. Yeah, there's my conclusion. Time to change some poop!

5 Weeks In

So it looks like this baby is here to stay. I can't believe I have a one month old! He is becoming giant. We had a drs. appt on Monday and he weighed 9 lbs 15 oz. He's such a turkey! I fall more and more in love with this little man each day. He is honestly so adorably sweet and he really is a good baby. Plus, he's getting much better at sleeping at night, which means I'm getting less and less grumpy and wanting to shank people. Last night, I put him to sleep at 10, he slept until 1, went back to bed by 2, then slept til 5:30. FANTASTIC.

I have to admit, I've only had a total of 4 days alone with him. My parents were here for 10 days and now my bff is visiting me. However, those four days were pretty easy. I'm not overwhelmed at all-yet- and the fact that the first month flew by makes me incredibly excited and hopeful that time will pass before daddy can come home and experience what I am, and also help me out :p I send him emails every night before I go to bed giving him play-by-plays of what we do every day. I also send tons of pictures and take videos that I upload to youtube. I want him to be as involved as possible from half a world away.

Ry's getting so much more playful. And by playful, I mean staring at things and making little noises. My play time with Ryan is also my play time with Denali-one hand waves toys in baby's face while the other plays fetch. Talk about mastering multi-tasking. I absolutely love watching him even though I'm not a baby person at all, but I can sit and watch this angel all day. Which is good, because I have to anyway.

We had baby's first bath! He did such a good job :) 

I was extremely disappointed that I didn't have a girl. Key word: was. Now, I love my man so much that I can't even imagine buying all pink and ruffles. I love buying monkeys and dinosaurs, and sports. I am loving everything boy. Although, he's already a super gassy baby which makes me worried for his teenage years. I'm not ready for a teenage boy in my house, nor do I think I'll ever be! I'm doing my best to cherish each moment I get with this sweet face.

As for me, I'm still not really working out. I feel completely healed now! I think next week, I'm going to really work on fitting in exercise each day and eating healthy. I bought my first pair of jeans! Non-maternity jeans. I thought I owed myself a new pair. I'm only one pant size above my pre-pregancy weight and that's only because my stomach is still kind of flabby. I can fit into my regular size and zip em up, but I really didn't feel like walking around with muffin top all over the place. I also bought a couple new tops :) I really don't need any new clothes, but I'm an addict. Plus, I've kind of already kicked G out of our closet so I have space to expand (I'm such a terrible wife).

I had my 27th birthday this week. My handsome boy took my out to sushi! First time since before pregnancy. YUM! It was so amazing. 

In all honesty, these dogs are harder to deal with than the baby. Ryan's so easy going. It sucks that I have to coordinate my days around his schedule, but the absolute hardest part of every day is trying to squeeze in all of Belle's 9 freaking eye drops! They can't be back-to-back, they have to be spaced out. It suck suck sucks. That's the worst, but it's not the only thing I have to deal with for them. I recently took Denali to the vet and he told me he's too skinny (he's a super, high energy dog) so I should be feeding him proteins such as raw meat or cooked chicken and rice or cottage cheese. You know, things I have, according to the vet, in my kitchen. Yeah, I have time to prepare an entrée for my dog while I sit and eat my boxed mac n cheese. My solution was to buy some plain yogurt and mix it with his dog food. It's hard now because the other two try to steal his yogurt. Ugh...

Ryan's first pumpkin!! We're pumped for Halloween :)

While I'm trying to fatten him up, I'm still trying to keep Belle skinny (she's been dieting/working out for 2 years now). So I have two completely different situations to deal with. And then Cato gets his teeth brushed every day... and people wonder how I'm dealing with my husband being gone. By the time I get every critter in my house taken care of, the day is over and I didn't even have time to sit and miss him. My days are chaos and they fly by! But a good chaos. And I do miss him dearly. He's on my mind all the time, but I don't have time to be proactive about it.

With company in and out, it's hard to sit and have time to write, so I'll keep this post short. Basically, I'm doing well, Ryan is giant and healthy, alcohol test strips do work for breast milk, and 3 glasses of wine still give you healthy milk for baby, dogs are keeping me busy, and winter is here. I have lots of goals for next week, so I will check in once my schedule dies down a bit. <3

An Ode To Breastfeeding

It's October!! It's my favorite time of the near. Not only is it my birthday month, but it's my mom's and my baby girl's bday month, too-so lots to celebrate. Aside from birthdays, it's the month of pumpkins (I will eat pumpkin spiced anything!!!) and it's breast cancer awareness month. With that in mind, I figured I'd use this opportunity to rant about my breast feeding experience-especially since studies have linked breast feeding with a reduced risk of breast cancer.

As I've mentioned, after having the whole lower half of my body exposed for all the world to see during labor, it really didn't phase me afterwards if nurses walked in while my boobs were out and I was getting ready to breastfeed. However, the most uncomfortable part was meeting the lactation specialist for the first time. Now, I worked at Victoria's Secret, so I'm familiar with being professional when it comes to other women's lovely lady lumps. This situation was way more awkward than any boobie encounter in my life. She wanted to watch me breast feed to make sure Ryan was latching the correct way. Normal. What wasn't normal was her response to seeing my breast.

She looked at me like I was a big, juicy steak. She told me I had the most perfect nipples for breastfeeding. Now that's normal for a lactation specialist to comment on, however the way she stared at me and her seductive, slow speech saying, "You have.... the most PERFECT.. nipples.... for breastfeeding," creeped me out. It's like when you talk to that guy at the bar who can't stop staring at your chest. I wanted to tell this woman, "My eyes are up here, lady!" The whole time we talked, she stared and commented on my boobs and the shapeliness of my nips in her soft voice and deep gaze. It was incredibly uncomfortable.  It's one thing to be passionate about your job... but I don't need you to take that passion out on my topless body. Thank you.

One thing she did say was that Ryan and my boobs were a perfect match for breastfeeding, and we really have been! From the start, I knew I wanted to give breast feeding a shot-as I think everyone should because breast milk is the healthiest option for your little one (I understand there are lots of situations where breast feeding isn't always an option for mommy-so don't get all defensive on me and tell me about your situation) and after taking such good care of him in my belly for 9 months, why would I throw it away on formula? It'd be like, why buy the packaged version of chocolate chip cookies when you can have homemade-fresh baked, out of the oven? (For those of you that have to formula feed-formula is perfectly healthy and your baby will definitely be fine-again, don't hate. I've done my research.) However, when I started breast feeding, I totally understood why some moms choose to formula feed.

Everything was sore. Moving hurt. I got engorged-which feels like you have breast implants, I imagine. Hard. My nips felt bruised. And it was just plain annoying feeding every hour or so. Every book I read said to give it two weeks before giving up on. I'm so glad I did! They were right. Now that we're 3 1/2 weeks in, it's so easy. And, it doesn't hurt. I mean, yes-it sucks that I'm kind of a boob slave to my child in the sense that if he sleeps too long, I start to drip through my clothes-which is totally embarrassing! However, I always have a way to feed him as long as he's with me. I don't have to worry about preparing a bottle or making a last minute run with a screaming child because we're out of formula. Plus, it's free. Makes it a little easier to adjust financially for now.

As for breast feeding in public-I'm still a little hesitant. I've fed him in my car before and today, I fed him out at lunch with a blanket over us while we ate our food. I think if people (men) have a problem with women breast feeding in public-they can just suck it. This makes up for us not being able to pee standing up. If you guys can easily whip it out and do your thing, now, so can we. The hesitant part is 1. I would be totally unprepared and taken aback if someone were to come up and criticize me while feeding. I honestly don't know what I'd say or respond with. When you're exposed in public, I have a feeling it's not so easy to be bold and confident. But who knows? Maybe there's some maternal hormone that makes you say: I'm naked and I'm going to go ape shit on your ass. I haven't gotten to that point yet. 2. High school boys. I really don't feel like having some pervy teenagers trying to check out my rack if I have a nip slip. Or high school guys. Or grown men. Or even the passionate lactation specialist who wants to try to compliment me again. Other than that, I'm all for stopping what I'm doing and getting cozy with my little one without having to plan trips around his schedule, or my leaky faucets.

Like I said, Ryan and I have been great feeding partners. It's amazing how easily it came to him from the start. You'd think he was taking a 9 month course on breast feeding in there. It's crazy to see a tiny little baby with no experience in this world have a natural instinct for survival. Nature amazes me. Now, when I feed him, he makes these adorable little sounds. Ya know when you're super dehydrated and get a class of water and almost sigh while drinking it because it tastes so good? He does little sigh noises like that every time. My heart-melting. It makes me hate mid-night feeds a little less.

Things that have helped me breast feed: switching between gel pads and disposable pads. Gel pads are easier to wear when going out and help moisturize so you don't get cracked nipples or anything, but disposable pads allow you to quickly whip it out and feed-whereas you have to get hot water and a cloth and wipe down the area before feeding with gel. Gets kind of annoying when he's crying for food.

Another thing I do that helps is keep track of when he eats and for how long on each side. I have been charting his eating and wet/dirty diapers every day since we left the hospital. It helps because I cannot for the life of me remember the times I feed him. When he's fussy and I realize it's getting close to that 2 hour mark, it makes it so much easier to decipher what this cry is about. I think if I didn't track down when I feed him, I'd either totally forget and let too much time pass between feedings or give into every cry with food and get him thinking he can eat every hour. Plus, I'm an insane, organized nut who likes to document things. It works for me.

Ryan will be 4 weeks (almost 1 month!) this weekend so I'll probably do another post with updates later on with pictures. I just wanted to rant about boobs for a little bit today. Again, don't hate on me if you aren't a breast feeding mom. Yes, I may judge you a tad if you choose packaged cookies over homemade without even attempting to bake, but at the end of the day, as long as your baby is fed and loved, that's all that really matters.