Week of Chaos

When I said before that child birth was the worst pain in the world, I lied. Last Monday, my husband came home with news that he was deploying on Sunday (today, aka six days from said date) rather than the 15th. From the beginning of knowing about the deployment, we were told that he'd get to skip training and stay behind until mid-October so he could be with his new son and spend time adjusting with his new family. Hell, even the Friday before, he was told that it was still looking like October was happening. When he came home from work and told me the news that our time together was cut 2 1/2 weeks short, I felt like I got kicked in the chest- I couldn't breathe. I broke down. I would gladly go through childbirth again just to have those extra weeks given back to us. I wouldn't even think twice about this bargain. We hadn't prepared anything. We needed more time.

I know in the military things happen last minute. Trust me, that's the first thing I learned about being an army spouse. This whole situation was such a cluster and there are a million details about this story that I won't get into right now. The only thing I will say about this is that it sucked. The worst part was that G had to work late every day, go in early every morning, then his "day off" on Friday meant him going into work twice. The few moments we had together were spent preparing for him leaving, such as going into AT&T or getting Ry Ry his passport. Not quite the way I wanted our last week together to go.

Look at me, I'm three weeks old today! (Yesterday)

G and I were able to spend our last night together in bed (hey now, don't be gross. I just had a baby 3 weeks ago) hanging out while my parents watched Ryan. Of course, after I sat and cried for the millionth time, I decided I wanted to spend my last night with him laughing, so we set up the tablet and youtube-d Impractical Jokers (if you are inappropriate like we are, then this show is freaking hilarious) and watched episode after episode in each others arms. It was perfection.

This morning was rough. Mostly because our baby did not want to sleep last night. Little monster! I got three hours of sleep maybe and G woke up at about 3:30 to take over while I tried to fit in a tiny nap before waking up to drop him off this morning. So after a 45 min power nap, I got dressed and the three of us drove over to the gym. We dropped off his bags, he walked me and Ryan back to the car, and I think I just stood there and cried while hugging him for about 5 minutes. Choosing which hug and kiss will be the last ones for a while is probably the hardest decision to make. You always want to fit in just one more.

He's now gone, and luckily my parents are here til Friday to help out with the baby. Thank god. This mama needs sleep and G was my only hope. I really have no idea how I'll manage once their gone. I'm going to have to cut out some of my day and attempt to nap. Ryan has had a couple fussy days and nights recently. I don't know if it's gas or what, but he's been a little grumpy boy.

He tends to pass the eff out in the same sleep position as his daddy

Other than that, last week, he had his 2 week check up. He weighed in at about 8.5 pounds! He's getting to be such a big boy. He still fits into his newborn clothes (he outgrew his smallest outfit) but he's looking less awkward in 0-3 month clothing. I can't take enough pictures of him in his cute clothes :)

He's already growing so big!!! And he's so aware. He went from freaking out at "playtime" to loving his turtle play mate and looking at so many different things. He stays awake for longer periods of time and just looks around and makes little noises. O.M.G. It's so adorable. I'm not a baby person, but I think he's the cutest thing ever. I can just sit and watch him. So precious.

Little munchkin enjoying tummy time

Mommy fail #1: My parents brought me back Garett's popcorn from Chi and I was eating it while breastfeeding. I looked down and saw crumbs all over my baby. I'm so terrible. Yes, I did eat them off of him.

Mommy fail #2: I think I'm getting sick. I tend to sneeze on him a lot when I breastfeed. I can't help it, there's only so much movement I can make when he has me caught by the nipple. I hope I don't give him my sick germs, although I'm sure he'd get them one way or another.

Mommy win: I cut his little finger nails last week without drawing any blood! Seriously, those things are so tiny.

Independent woman: learned how to use the Ergo all by myself

As for me, other than being tired and sad as f*#%, I'm doing well. I feel relieved. I no longer dread the wait for him to leave me. It's one less burden, so now I can just be sad and move forward. Also, I feel fully healed down there! Although, my bowels are still not treating me well and I still have that lochia going on-so gross. I feel like that should be over by now, but I guess not. Also, I'm smelly. I feel like I smell of tomatoes. I guess it's all the hormones mixed with breast milk stank. Hopefully it should go away soon. I swear I shower and wear deodorant!! Other than that, I feel I'm in good shape. I'm so ready to start working out again. I may do a light gym sesh this week if I'm feeling up to it. I have lots of energy and my body is almost already down to it's pre-baby size. Ahh the life of a fitness instructor :)

3 weeks pp. Looking good, feeling good, eating candy corn :)

As I said, I'm on 3 hours of sleep. Three. Tres horas. I don't have anything really quirky or inspiring to say. There's approximately 290 days until he comes home (give or take a few weeks?) so I am doing my #100happydays every day until he's home. It's a way for me to find a little sunshine in the midst of this tropical storm that is my life. It's almost the end of the month, which means this week, I will be formulating goals and adjusting my new life style. It's a big change, but let's face it, I'm not the first spouse to ever have to deal with this situation. It sucks, but we all go through it. Time to put on a strong face and get out there, and power through til summer.

Does any of this make sense? I hope so. It's past my bedtime. Goodnight my loves.

2 Weeks Down, A Lifetime to Go

Week 2 has been COMPLETELY different than week one. The first week with this baby was so much easier!!! What happened?!? First of all, I am a very organized person who loves to live life in an organized fashion. I crave routine and structure, so this whole baby thing doesn't quite fit my lifestyle. Good news is I expected that so it wasn't a surprise that I can't get my baby on a routine by week two, however that doesn't mean that makes it any easier for me to break my habit of being organized. It's really hard not to be uptight when that's my personality.

I'm also not the kind of person who can easily sit around watching TV, Netflix, etc. I like being on my feet and I'm a little OCD with my hands-they need to be doing something at all times. When people say I should be resting when the baby sleeps, well, they must not realize that to me, doing dishes and laundry is more peaceful than an afternoon nap on the couch. I'm just not that kind of person and I never have been. Given, if I'm tired enough, I will fall asleep during the day. So my challenges with week two include breastfeeding, sleeping, and getting baby to sleep.

2 weeks PP. Not going to lie, I'm jealous of myself. I look amazing and even got checked out in the grocery store today. It was a good day haha!

The first half of this week was a struggle of jug-gles? Okay, I tried to get that to rhyme. Fail. Week one, I told ya'll-Ryan was a food monger. He ate like it was his job. Week 2 comes along and suddenly he's just not that hungry anymore. Well, my boobies got the memo that they needed to keep refilling themselves for hour-long feeding seshes. I couldn't stop leaking everywhere! Ryan would start eating, and when he pulled away, his face would drown in my breast milk. I thought he peed on me at one point (he's peed on me a few times now) but it turns out my nip was just leaking milk and I wasn't paying attention. Poor guy was drenched from the waste down. I've been on the search for the perfect breast pad. Disposable ones barely last me a few hours during the day and lose their stickiness, then they leak through my shirt. So I've started using them at night. I found "soothies" to wear during the day-basically a reusable gel pad. O.M.G. they are so comfy and they really are soothing- like their name. Drawback? They only last a few days and are expensive. I bought a different brand of gel pad that I'm going to test out once these are no longer of use, but I think having gel during the day and disposable at night is working "breast" for me. Should I stop using puns? Probably.

While breast feeding on the other side, this chaos was going on. The whole right half of my shirt was drenched.  I am not kidding when I say I am a dairy farm. 

I am a terrible mom. I'm not leaving my baby in the car for 7 hours or anything-not that terrible, but the one thing every pamphlet says is not to fall asleep with your baby (SIDS!)-whether it's in the bed, tummy time, or wherever. Baby should always be put safely back in his crib. I think I've fallen asleep breast feeding for the last three nights in a row now. And not just dozing for 10 minutes, it's a good hour or so that I pass out. I can't help it! I'm a tired mommy. This girl likes her beauty sleep. I have been trying to start getting ready for bed at about 7 each night (LAME!) When I can start off with a good three hours of sleep, things are fine, but when Ry wakes up every hour-that's when my tired body can't handle the night.

Unfortunately, he's been doing hour increments more and more as the days pass. It sucks because one of two things will happen. Scenario 1: he'll wake up, I'll feed him, change him, and then as soon as I put him down, he'll start fussing so I pick him up (trying not to wake Daddy) and rock him til he falls back asleep. Then as soon as he does, I put him down and he wakes up again to keep the cycle going. Sometimes, it takes him an hour before he stays asleep in his basinet. Scenario 2: He wakes up, I feed him, he eats for 5 mins and falls asleep while eating. I put him down. He then wants to wake up every hour to get in a 5 minute food binge then sleep. These are the kind of nights that make me die a little inside each day.

Oh Hi. I'm cute when I actually sleep. 

I have been extremely emotional lately. It may be hormones, it may be lack of sleep, or it may be because I have an legitimate reason to be sad all the freaking time. G finally went back to work on Friday. We found out that there's a chance he's deploying next week rather than in three, which was the original plan. Am I surprised? No. I knew shit would hit the fan as it always does and it wouldn't be smooth sailing through October. I just really hope we find out Monday what the exact date that he's leaving is, and I hope even more he gets to stay til the 15th.

With that being said, Friday (his 1st day back at work) was a struggle doing it alone. It took me FOR.EV.ER. To get showered and ready for the day. I started getting ready at 9:30am because I knew Ryan and I had to leave at 1 to run errands before the deployment ceremony at 2. I still left 5 minutes behind schedule. Getting ready is an all day occurrence. Well, at least if I want to look showered and made up. Otherwise, I could have skipped that part and been out of the house in an hour. A shower bonus: blow drying my hair puts him to sleep! Yay. Also, it's going to be so hard not being able to rely on G in the middle of the night or in the morning so I can get those extra 2 hours of sleep. Oh, and did I mention we took Belle to an ophthalmologist this week ($170 just for an eye exam because he's a specialist-oy!) and we now are expected to go from 2 drops a day to giving her 9 drops a day-4 different types of drops. That is exhausting on it's own. My poor girl. However, I'll do what I have to so my baby girl is happy and healthy. Three dogs+nine eye drops+one baby-one husband=my hell hole. I think the best thought in the world is knowing that one year from today, we'll all be in Georgia and settled in, which means I have less than a year to get through with this craziness. One year is a tiny fraction of my life (aprox 1/80th). That's do-able.

My Denali bug hanging out with Ry Ry. The pups are so sweet with him! 

So back to my point. I tend to break down into tears easily. Thinking about how much I'll miss my husband will set me off. That hasn't changed-I've been like that during pregnancy, HOWEVER the smallest things will get me thinking about him leaving so it seems like I cry and random crap. Example: Today I watched the parent trap (Lindsay Lohan version-not the old one, which I think is the better one) and I started bawling at the end when they fall in love because it reminded me that I'm in love and that he's leaving me. Dramatic? YES. Or, we rented "Think Like a Man Too" with Kevin Hart. At the end, they all fall in love, and it reminded me that I am in love, and he's leaving me. See the trend? Or yesterday, I was rushing to get to the ceremony and some a-hole completely cut me off and I started crying. That one had nothing to do with the deployment, I was just really pissed and overly tired, but still. Emotional, this gal is. Is it hormones, my lack of sleep or the fact that I have a legit reason? Who's to say-it can be a mixture of all of the above. I'm starting to think I should wear a warning sign so people aren't alarmed.

Another Ryan update: his umbilical chord fell out!!! YESSSS that thing was nasty. I can't believe some people save those. I couldn't look directly at it without wanting to vom all over. Speaking of gross things people do, when we got him circumcised, the pediatrician told us that some parents like to keep the foreskin!!! GAHHHHH. What kind of freaks are there out there? (Tell me if that's you so I can re-think our friendship, pah-lease.) He said that some people have had it made into a bead and then make jewelry with it. Goodness. Talk about a Christmas gift I'd never want to receive! Excuse me while I gag.

I think those are my only updates from this week. I can't believe it's been two weeks already. I mean I can because every night seems to drag on and on and on. It feels more like a month than 2 weeks in all honesty. I still don't feel like a mom. I look in the mirror while holding my baby and he still seems more like an accessory than a part of my family. I thought I would have this amazing feeling of motherhood when I had him, but I feel like the exact same person. It's a good thing he can't understand me because I still curse like a sailor at times and sing inappropriate songs that pop on up shuffle while I'm trying to rock him back to sleep. He does seem to respond really well to classical music though, so I try to youtube Beethoven or Vivaldi or whomever else pops up on there. (P.S. I'm really not a bad mom, I think I'm doing rather well at taking care of this munchkin.)

I'm two weeks today! Look at me in my Daddy-Proof shirt. 

Tonight we are moving him from our bedroom to his crib. He looks so little in it! But I think he likes the flat surface more than the fitted basinet. He seems to fuss less when we put him down in there. So hopefully that goes well for tonight. If not, I have a Starbucks pumpkin spiced latte in the fridge waiting to be heated up tomorrow morning. Okay, that is all for now. Lots of love to anyone who reads this :) Send the sandman my way!

Surviving Week 1 Post-Partum

If I were to write a book, it would be titled Motherhood: Why are all my happy parts so sad? After pushing a creature through a small hole in your body, you only have hours to recover until your milk starts coming in and this creature is now sucking your nipples raw. I must say I'm lucky that I haven't had too many problems with breast feeding-Ryan latches easily, he nurses ALL the freaking time, and I've learned to pump and balance pumping with feeding so I don't get engorged (which freaking hurts). Plus, G has had a few opportunities to bond while feeding him with a bottle-kind of the main reason I pump. However, I can totally understand why so many mothers give up on breast feeding to formula feed. It gets old, fast. And I feel like I don't stop leaking, ever. Sometimes I think Ryan peed through his diaper but it turns out I'd just been leaking breast milk all over him for the last 5 minutes and he's soaked. I've almost drowned him a few times when he unlatches and falls asleep, but my milk keeps dripping through his parted lips.

I feel like I'm chained to this baby's mouth. I'm nothing but a vending machine to him. In fact, when he gets close to me, he automatically gets hungry because he can smell my milk. And this kid can eat. We went on our two day check up on Wednesday and the nurse asked the average that I nurse. I told her about 25-30 mins average (sometimes he only wants a few bites, sometimes it can last an hour). She looked shocked and told me that most newborns only need about 5-10 minutes to nurse. Umm... whoever these mothers are, I'm extremely envious of your lives.

I was pumping and as I finished, I turned to see Cato all curled up to the pump. I think he liked the noise it made.  So adorable! It literally "nursed" him to sleep. 

Although sometimes these hour long sessions pay off. On a good night, I can nurse him for about an hour (maybe 45 mins), change him, and get him to fall back asleep right away and he'll sleep for another 3 1/2 hours. I love those nights. Then there are the nights where he wants to wake up and nurse, nurse for a half hour, fall asleep, then the second I put him in his basinette, he starts to cry and wants to eat again. These are the nights that I'm awake from 9-1, or close to that. I'm trying to learn how to read him during these times and figure out what exactly is preventing him to stay asleep. I mostly average 5-6 hours of sleep each night, which is only about an hour and a half less than what I was getting the few weeks before he came. I just dread that first feeding of the night-when he wakes up and cry, I wake up and cry. It's funny just how much I feel like a baby when I'm tired too. I now fall asleep swaddled in my robe, under the covers, hugging my pillow, with dogs snuggling my legs in so I can pass out right away. Babies know how to do it right.

Denali watching Ryan sleep. These dogs are adjusting so well. 

Obviously, being his mother, I think my baby is already more advanced than other newborns. I really have no idea what babies should or shouldn't be doing at this stage in life (I really want to find a book that covers baby development week-by-week or something similar to the pregnancy books that showed fetal development so I can watch him grow) so I'm not basing this off of text rather peoples reactions to Ryan. I already mentioned how much he has been eating since we brought him home from the hospital, so there's that. He's starting to get bumps on his forehead from hormonal changes, which I thought was normal. It is, but another mother said something like, "Wow, he must be developing quickly!" as if most 1 week olds don't get them until later in baby-hood. (Don't worry, I'm not going to start listening to what other mothers say about my kid in regards to their health or "normalcy" but I'm using this example to prove my point.)

Look at me! I'm one week old (from yesterday).

Also, we were getting a photo shoot done and our photographer wanted me to hold his head up for one of the poses-but he was able to on his own. Then, when she was holding him, he lifted his head and she was super impressed. This kid was able to lift his own head since the day he was born. The nurse was holding him and got extremely excited when he did it and G and I just kind of looked at each other like, Is that not normal? I'm starting to think maybe it's not and he's just a super baby. It's probably all the working out I did-I knew he'd come out with guns of steel! He can also push his upper body up with his hands, and his fingers have such a tight grip I have to keep mittens on him while feeding because they hurt me. Okay, chances are most other babies are the same way and I'm totally just making all this up to put him on a pedestal, which means I'm already acing motherhood.

I love having my body back. I'm not at all close to my original size, and yesterday was the first day I put on my maternity jeans instead of leggings or sweats, but it feels amazing to throw on a shirt and know it will fit or simply having more movement in my torso. I don't love the post-labor blues going on everywhere on my body. I have back/shoulder problems (which I'm hoping to get resolved now that baby is out) so breastfeeding and bending over a changing table are slowly killing me. My husband has been good about giving me little massages, but they aren't enough. I have constant lower back and shoulder pain and I just want to cry-always.

1 day postpartum vs. 1 week postpartum. Swelling has gone down a lot! Thanks breast feeding :) I'm feeling great!

My hooha finally doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I can now walk at a somewhat normal pace and without a weird limp. Sitting still is uncomfortable and I can feel stitches pulling when I pick up the pace. Not quite 100%, but putting on those jeans yesterday was symbolic of healing. I cannot wait for the day that I can unclench and move my legs about freely. Speaking of, I don't understand how people can worry about their vagina stretching with child birth. I have been doing a nonstop Kegal since this baby came out- trying to reduce pain and pinching of stitches. Talk about a core workout. I should be good as new by the time my husband comes back...in July... sigh. Our nurse had asked about what kind of birth control I was going to use and our answer was, "my husbands deploying before my 6 week check up-that's our birth control." She looked so sad. (That might have been why they were extra nice to me in the hospital-win, but not really, because it still sucks).

We had a couple photo shoots this week. Oh my, even though they were the cutest things ever, it was awful. The majority of the time was feeding him (again, needing a good 40 mins) and trying to get him to fall asleep and stay asleep. I can tell his eyesight is extending because he just wants to look around at things these days. He will totally resist sleep to keep his eyes open and just plain old look. It's only going to get worse I imagine. He's definitely more responsive to things and when he's falling asleep; he makes all of these little facial expressions. My favorite is when he smiles. It's the cutest!

Photo from our shoot with Moon Sick Photography. Such an amazing job!! Our little Alaskan baby. 

I can't believe a week has already passed. I'm still alive. I've been getting better at giving the dogs enough attention. I'm still able to have a little bit of energy during the day. I still do (too many) chores and shower-although I think today I'll take a day off from cleanliness to do some laundry. This little guy does this really cute thing. Every time we take off his diaper, he likes to pee from his wee wee hitting the cold air. It's adorable to go through two diapers with every change along with a new outfit, blanket, and changing pad. It's safe to say he's been through every new born outfit we have, twice. Which isn't saying much because we didn't really stock up on newborn stuff, but it'd be nice if he could keep it in his pants. I think now that his circumcision is healing, he's getting better at controlling it. It now seems to be an every-other-time sort of deal rather than always.

This week will be more of a challenge. We have a vet appointment to manage and G goes back to work halfway through the week. I've been totally appreciating him being there in the morning to take him and now, he'll be saying goodbye probably when I'm feeding at 5am. But it's a good thing because let's face it, I'll have to learn to do things on my own so it's better to start now than get used to luxury and have it all taken away.

It's hard to keep up with phone calls, texts, and FB posts so if I don't respond, don't be offended. Unless I don't like you, I'm probably not ignoring you. Keep the love coming! I enjoy hearing from family and friends. I know Ryan won't have the pleasure of meeting the people I love for a while-maybe even years depending on where life takes us which is why I feel like sharing pictures allows people to feel somewhat of a bond to him. So deal with it. I even send my mom a daily Ryan picture. If you want to get on that list, let me know :) <3 <3

Baby Ryan

He is here!!! And right on time. Ryan Matthew came out at 09:39 on 6 Sept 2014. It was indeed one hell of a roller coaster getting him out here. Labor is not a strong enough word to describe what women go through. They should really call it something along the lines of "horns of Satan stabbing your vagina". That would be a little more accurate. Our experience was difficult, and I never wish what I went through upon anyone-although it could have gone a lot worse as well. I envy every woman who has ever given birth because it really really really sucked.

Ryan Matthew snug as a bug. 7 lbs 9 oz. 20.5 inches. 

For all those people who told me, "Your labor will probably be really easy since you're so active," well, I hate you. KIDDING. I appreciate the happy thoughts and wishes that everything went smoothly, but that theory was only half right. Everything WOULD have gone really smoothly and I could have been in an out of labor and delivery in 12 hours, however we hit a bump in the road at the end. Here is my story from start to finish. It's a long one, but typing keeps me from calling every single person I know and explaining  it, so I hope you all get to the end.

Let's start with Sept 5. Now, we all know I spent the week trying every trick in the book to self-induce. Friday comes along and I kind of have a tummy..I wouldn't necessarily say ache, but I just didn't really want to eat anything. Why? I ate an entire Costco size container of pineapple (maybe about 2+ pineapples) the day before because someone told me it softens the cervix. I didn't have any pains, just the idea of food turned me off. When I did feel like eating, I stuffed my face with s'mores and a bag of baby carrots (I really don't know why I eat in excess) so after more overload, again, I just didn't feel like eating. No aches. Just rejecting food. G came home early from work so we decided to run a few errands, pick up dinner, then we were going to go for a long walk to red box to get things going down there.

I had been craving Chinese food all week so my awesome hubby insisted we fulfill that craving. Luckily, I decided against a heavy meal and got chicken noodle soup (I love the thick noodles they use) and some fried rice. We took it home so we could feed the dogs and relax. At about 5:15, I took a few bites of rice and started towards the soup when I heard a gurgle in my stomach, then a sudden rush of fluid down below. I sprinted towards the bathroom.

Side note: During all of our birthing classes and chats with doctors/nurses and readings, everyone told us that you usually won't have your water break until after you go into labor and most of the time, it doesn't break-the doctor has to break it for you. So having not felt and cramps or contractions all day, the thought that this was my water breaking was shocking. However, knowing there was fluid going through my underwear, onto my leggings, and still dripping down my leg like the Niagra freaking falls I knew this wasn't a false alarm. I ran upstairs, threw on underwear, a pad (if you are expecting and near your due date, throw one in your purse because if we were in public, this would have been horrific), and quietly came downstairs and said to G, "I think my water just broke."

He called labor and delivery and handed me the phone to talk to the nurse. I answered a bunch of questions and the guys said I could either go in now or wait an hour, and if I was still leaking to come in then. I said I'd give it an hour because 1. I wasn't 100% 2. If I was going into labor, I wanted a few more bites of food because I wouldn't know when I'd eat next 3. I didn't want to rush to get things together and forget stuff that we might need and 4. I wanted to make sure the dogs were all taken care of before we caged them up for the weekend. After this list was completed, we made our way to the hospital.

As we headed there, I started to get contractions. We went to the hospital, they determined that I was in fact in labor and at 3cm, so they suggested that I go for an hour walk to try to induce labor even more. We started walking and I felt contractions get stronger, but breathed and walked through them. After 30 minutes, I couldn't walk through the contractions and told G I was done walking and that I needed to just sit. We went back to the room and waited for the next check up while I breathed through pain.

Our plan was to do a natural birth, but get an epidural if I felt I couldn't handle the pain. I made it to 5 cm before I realized that natural birth was not for me. My body went into shock with each contraction as they got stronger. I think it would have been easier to focus, or rather, unfocus, had it not been for the nausea. Every contraction made my head spin until I finally threw up. My body was shaking uncontrollably at every interval and I knew that things were only going to get worse. I told the nurse that I wanted to start off with pain meds through IV. She explained it would only last an hour and if I wanted continual pain meds, I'd have to do an epidural. That hour they gave me was amazing. I fell asleep and I think I dreamed of rainbows and unicorns. I felt no pain nor shaking until that hour ran out and I woke up to a contraction rocking my body at only 5cm. So guess what? I said I wanted the epidural.

I threw up again while waiting for the anesthesiologist to do her thang and attempted to maintain these contractions that I could feel again, yet even stronger. Yeah, the epidural hurt/burned a bit. They actually did it twice because something didn't work out with the first prick, but I'd rather have a couple of needles in my back than another contraction.  GOD BLESS WESTERN MEDICINE. The epidural allowed me to sleep through the night-more or less. I got maybe 5 hours of sleep until they came in about 4:30 to check me. How awesome is this part: Water breaks at 5:30pm, get to the hospital at 6:30, sleep through the night and wake up at 4:30 to hear "You're 10cm dilated, let's get ready to push." Okay, for all you predictors, that was a pretty fast labor. But once the pushing started, that's when things went downhill.

Our friends took this pictures after leaving the hospital. There was a double rainbow over us the day Ryan was born :) 

We started pushing at 5:30. As soon as I started to push, I got heartburn/acid reflux. Every time I tried to hold a push, I also had to focus on holding down vomit and a burning in my chest. So many times were my efforts interrupted by burping. It made pushing kind of unsuccessful. The nurse put meds in my IV to try to prevent any nausea and told me they were going to turn off the epidural so I could really start to focus on where it was that I needed to be pushing. They said I had plenty of time because it would take a full hour for the epidural to run out.

Guess what? An hour passed, the epidural ran out and this baby was still no where near out of me. As I started to feel contractions, I threw up for the third time. My body started to shake violently. I went from no pain to full on labor pain. I was not prepared for the change of pace and any breathing and distraction techniques I had practiced before were out the window. I kept telling myself that this was all a nightmare and I'd wake up and it wouldn't be real. I screamed and cried with each contraction. Pushing burned. I grabbed and G yet also told him not to touch me (I was extremely nauseas so each touch made my head spin). They had me try 4 different pushing positions (seriously, good thing I do yoga). I begged for pain to stop. I yelled that I couldn't do anything. I had sweat dripping down my back. I used every interval between pushing to grasp the vomit bags to my mouth because I felt more sick with every push.

Finally after an hour, they told me they would bring the anesthesiologist back in and turn the epidural back on for me because they didn't want the pain to interfere with my pushing. About a half hour later, I was able to stabilize the shaking and no longer felt sick, however I still had no progressed. Why after 2 1/2 hours of pushing he still wasn't out? Well, they finally explained to me what was happening. Baby turned his head since I had started pushing and he was getting stuck on my pelvis. So even though he was slowly getting through, they didn't think he'd make it all the way. They also said that they usually only let their patients push for three hours before they need to send in the OBGYN to discuss other options-most likely a C-section.

I kept pushing. They kept evaluating the way I pushed. I think the worst part was that all throughout pushing, they kept saying I had a really strong push (I work out..) and that it wasn't my pushing that was failing, rather his position-he was stuck. I was doing the best I could but nothing was progressing, nothing was ending, and now, my time was expiring and there was nothing I could do to prevent the one thing I knew I didn't want when I walked into that hospital.

The OBGYN came in and told me they wanted to do a C-Section. At this point, I would have performed my own C-Section had someone handed me a scalpel. After 3 hours, I wanted him out and I wasn't going to argue because I knew he wasn't coming out vaginally. They went over the procedure and started prepping me. I said I needed to push, and the OBGYN said she was going to evaluate my pushing. Well, I'm grateful she did. She determined that I push him far enough through (when I am pushing) that they could attach a vacuum to his head and suction him out-but I would have to push extra hard and there was only one chance to do it, otherwise we were going into an emergency C-Section situation where G wouldn't even be able to be in the room. I agreed. I knew I had one shot at this and I was just ready for it to be over.

The room was filled with nurses and the emergency table was waiting in case I had to be taken to the OR. I just remember hearing, "Okay Molly you have to push" and damn it, I pushed. I could feel his head moving through my body (I'm pretty sure I yelled out, "He's coming!" at this point), then I felt shoulders, then I felt what could only be legs accompanied by a weird gurgle of noises. I barely had time to process that it was over before I felt something hard hit my chest. Holy crap, they just threw the naked baby at me and nothing was holding him. I quickly wrapped my arms around him and just breathed. It was over. We didn't need a C-section. I think I also yelled something along the lines of, "We're not having any more kids." I was exhausted. I couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything but hold this baby and sit in shock at the pain I just endured for 4 hours. Nothing seemed real except the fact that I was done. Ryan was 5 minutes old when Daddy grabbed the phone and took our first picture together.

5 minutes after being born! Little smooched face :) And then there's me covered in makeup from four hours of hell. 

I had minor cramps (compared to the actual labor) which I assumed was the placenta being delivered, and then I felt myself being stitched. It didn't hurt as much as you would assume sewing up a torn vagina would feel, but then again, I don't think anything could hurt after going through labor. So much relief. I let G hold Ryan so I could just sit and process what had happened. We did it!

Every mom says, "oh you forget about the pain and then have more kids because they're worth it." I didn't believe that for a second. That was the worst pain ever. But now that time has passed, I can't even remember the extent of it. It literally was like I told myself, a terrible nightmare that I eventually woke up from. And even though you wake up in the middle of the night trembling and scared to go back to bed, you eventually do and wake up in the morning and forget what you were scared of in the first place. I know we both only want 2 kids (let's face it, our house is already full of critters) so I guess I'm not going to completely rule out a second based off of the terrible pain of child birth.

It took me a while to bond with Ryan. It wasn't so much a post-pardum blues thing rather the fact that it seemed so unreal that this belly I've been protecting for so long is now a person that is mine and I get to take him home. It's a very very strange concept. The more I get to hang out with him, the more I fall in love with his face! His sweet sweet face! (He has a dent across his head from where he got stuck! It should even out..) He looks just like my husband and that's all I could ask for. How could anyone not love something that is a mini version of the man they married?

Speaking of, I do want to say how amazing my husband is. He crossed my mind a lot during labor. I could see in his eyes what he was feeling watching me go through pain and when they mentioned a C-Section, I could tell he was just as concerned as I was, except I was in too much pain to care at that point. I could not have gone through what I did without him there by my side, holding my hand, counting down contractions, turning on my music (and hitting "next" any time a Christmas song came on), getting me ice, popsicles, water, chapstick, etc., and just hearing him tell me what a good job I was doing meant so much to me. I always think I've reached the limit, but somehow I find ways to love him more and more. And seeing him and Ryan together--my heart melts. He is such a good dad and so incredibly helpful when I'm up in the night. I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have him in my life.

Ryan and Daddy shortly after birth. So in love!

After all the labor was done, we transferred over to the perinatal wing and got checked on every few hours. I learned the basics of breast feeding and we just kind of did our thing and tried to sleep in between feedings. I definitely was sore that day-the biggest pain was from the epidural (again, I'd much rather have that pain than the pain of labor). My back was so sore and moving from side to side was achy. By the next morning, I had much more movement, but it made the pain down below a little more noticeable. I think it's hard to say how much it hurts postpartum considering none of these aches can compare to those final contractions-plus I am so incredibly grateful I didn't have to have a C-Section, so I can't really complain about the post aches. They seem so insignificant.

We spent 48 hours under hospital care and we were finally released this morning with a healthy status. We came home and let Ryan meet his fur brothers and sister. The pups loved him!! They were so excited. I think they knew that he was whats been in my belly. Ryan got lots of kisses and sniffs. Each dog had a different reaction to him. Cato has been all up in his face sniffing him, sniffing anything that has touched him, following us around and trying to figure out what he is every time he makes a noise. Belle's maternal instincts kicked in and she loves being by him. When he cries, she whines and tries to give him kisses. Denali is calm around him (which was a surprise) and seems interested but not in an overbearing way. All in all, they did a lot better around the baby than I was expecting, and that makes me so very grateful.

Puppy Kisses!

It's taken me all day to write this entry, and I don't even think I wrote everything that I wanted to say. I'm not going to proof read this for any typos, so please don't be a grammar police on me today. I'm tired! I have lots and lots of pictures that I will be posting throughout the week. I love my family of 6 and could not be any more grateful about this new beginning we have started :) Cheers!

Any Day Now!

I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday and it went well. Very well. Very productive. My husband mentioned that back in our first trimester, we had been given an earlier due date from the sonogram place that we were referred out to. She looked through our records, saw the dates, the notes, baby's progress and agreed that it seems like the 6th is a more accurate due date than the 12th. Which means my due date is THIS WEEKEND. Now I know that has nothing to do with when this baby decides to come out, however if he's being stubborn and decides to wait til week 42, at least I can have the option to be induced a week earlier than what our original "week 42" would have been. And this is huge for our family since my husband is on a time schedule before he leaves for work for 9 months. Every extra week he can have spending time with our son counts.

With that being said, I have tried almost every trick in the book to induce labor on my own. Let me tell you-none of them work!!! The only thing that works to induce labor is the last thing you try before the baby makes the decision to find his way out. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'm spending the morning bouncing on an exercise ball. Once Costco opens, I'm going to go get some pineapple (been told it helps with labor and softening the cervix). I've tried black licorice, raspberry tea, long walks, EVERYTHING. The myths are all crap. Ryan is super happy in my uterus and I really don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon... Even the doctor listened to his heartbeat and said, "he sounds happy in there, right at 140". I hate to break it to him that his lease is about to end.

I'm still working out every day. I think my husband is ready to divorce me... hahaha. He's so mad that I haven't "slowed down" even though when I work out, it's no where near as intense as it use to be. It's more of a relaxing work out than anything (mostly because I can't really move) and I make sure not to over-do anything. I've come this far, I wouldn't jeopardize my baby at this point. I secretly want the baby to come this weekend so I can have a few more Zumba classes one last time. I've been using yoga to try to practice some breathing techniques as well. My workout mantra has been, "If you can't breathe through this yoga pose, then you're going to suck at breathing through labor, so suck it up," and it's been helpful.

I still feel great, more or less. I get body aches. For example, we had a brief last night for G's work and the chairs were so uncomfortable that I had a constant pain in my upper back. It didn't go away for 45 minutes so I got up and the second I stood, the pain was gone. I stood for the remainder of the meeting because I was literally about to cry. It wasn't labor because there was no cramping, and it was just in one spot. It sucked. Other than small moments like that, I have lots of energy. I'm hoping to go to a Zumba class tonight and I'm really excited about it since it may be my last one for a while!

Oh, and I'm LOVING the dirty looks I've been getting from people. No sarcasm. When people ask when my due date is and I say Saturday, they look at me like they want to rip my eyes out. I'm still pretty tiny. I barely look pregnant from the front and from the back, you can't even tell. My goal this pregnancy was to be a "skinny bitch" and I am. How I did it? I worked out. I still work out. I hope to give birth on the same day that I take a Zumba class. I watch what I eat. No, I'm not perfect at all. I'm a sugar addict and it's been hard not to shove my face full of ice cream, candy corn, and cake every day, but I make sure to get large doses of fruit and vegetables everyday along with proteins for the baby. I'm not going to lie, I am a bit worried this kid may have diabetes, but so far, tests have had no outcomes pointing towards that. Like I said-not nearly perfect, rather conscious.

I was talking to this woman yesterday who was going on and on about all the pains of her pregnancy and how she sells essential oils and I should get her number to buy this oil to help with my pains through pregnancy. She wouldn't stop. I tried to shake her off and she couldn't quite get the hint that her "advice" was not needed. Finally I said, "Well, I'm due Saturday so hopefully I won't need to worry about pregnancy pain for too much longer." That shut her up. She probably thought I was 7 months or something and could make a sale out of me. Not this girl!!! (Which, if you're reading this, take this moment to reflect and NOT be that woman who thinks everyone wants to hear about your pregnancy. I hate when people assume that my experience is the same as theirs and they know how to "fix" me. I love getting suggestions and hearing what worked for people, but once they start pushing their methods on me, I'm not okay with that. Like I'd start randomly using essential oils without talking to my doctor first... that stuff is always iffy.)

Anyway, my doctor also told me I'm 1cm dilated!!! Wooo!!! I honestly thought she'd say I haven't even started. I know it could take hours, days, weeks to get labor moving, but it was still exciting to hear I have started. I can tell my body is starting to prepare. I have had a very small appetite lately and I am the complete opposite of constipated. In fact, after 8 months, it's really weird to have a normal digestive system-I almost don't know what to do with myself! I know it's gross, but hey, pregnancy isn't a pretty picture most of the time.

I don't know if he's dropping because I feel like my belly looks the same, but when my doctor checked my cervix (again, pregnancy-ew!!! Use condoms then) she reached in there and said, "Whoa! His heads right there!" His head is definitely very low. I pee nonstop. He hits my bladder so much and it hurts and makes me want to pee my pants all the time. He's a stinker. I later asked G if he wanted to see if he could feel the baby's head and he was totally grossed out hahahaha. I knew he'd say no, otherwise I wouldn't offer that. So weird. He can touch the baby when he's out. I'm not a total creeper here.

My next appointment is Monday and we may talk about inducing labor in the next week and a half or two. I'm hoping we don't get to that point, but come week 42, that'll be my request. That, and I don't think they're allowed to let me go past week 42. Either way, it seems like I should have a baby in 2 weeks! Then I'll go home and have no idea what the hell to do with a house full of 6, but I'll worry about that part when I get to it. Maybe I should write a book. Kind of like the Brady Bunch, but with people and dogs. In Alaska.

I have zero pictures to post right now. Maybe I'll add some later. Bags are packed. Car seat is installed. I'm ready! (Besides the whole mental and emotional aspects of labor and motherhood.) Let's hope my next post is titled "Baby Ryan" rather than "Still Pregnant."