Festivus for the Rest of Us

I created my title because this post is mostly going to be a list of grievances. My glass of red last night was well earned because this week was long, hectic, and resulted in a lot of tears. Not only am I going to go off on a few rants in this post, but I may get a little emotional. I'm not trying to look for sympathy here. I write because it's my own personal outlet. Rather than making Facebook posts of dramatic song lyrics or stating, "being an Army wife is so hard, people don't even know what it's like when my husband is gone. Feel sorry for me" kind of posts [being an Army wife, I tend to see a lot of obnoxious, constant posts from people that do this kind of stuff-we get it. It's hard with him gone, but we're all doing it so stop broadcasting it over and over again like you're on some kind of pedestal over everyone else (that was the first time I ever spelled pedestal. Looks totally wrong. And yes, I used brackets so I can use double parentheses)]. 

I nearly lost it at the commissary this week when I saw a handicap man pull into an Expecting Mother parking spot. He was old, and his old ass wife was not pregnant-she was fat, but definitely not pregnant. I was so pissed. I'm sorry, but being handicap does not allow you to park in an expecting mother spot, just like expecting mothers are not allowed to park in a handicap stop. I was furious. This is what I hate about people these days-they think that they are entitled to break the rules. Where's the respect? Especially on a military base. You'd think soldiers are trained to be respectful citizens-but they're not. Sure, people call me ma'am and hold open doors, and then some giant douchey truck comes speeding through a parking lot while I'm carrying my baby and trying not to get hit. 

As I watched this couple come into the commissary being your stereotypical grinch old people couple, I glared. It took all of my energy not to go up to them and say, "Congratulations" and as they give me a puzzled look I'd continue with, "Well I saw you two parked in the Expecting Mother's spot, so clearly you're going to have a baby," and see their response, and then follow up with a "shame on you, this is an Army base, not Walmart. Have some respect for people," or "Do you know how many f$%#*ing handicap spaces there are EVERYWHERE you go? How often do expecting mothers get a spot? No where? And you, sir, you don't F$%#*ing know how miserable it is walking at 8 months pregnant, even just across a damn parking lot. How dare you think that your penis allows you to do what you want? And just because you have a handicap sticker does not mean that you can't park in a regular spot. Here I am lugging this baby carrier that I can hardly carry because it's so heavy across the whole damn parking lot, and you and your wife are walking without any problems. You look perfectly fine, nor do you need a motorized cart to get your groceries. Are you even handicap? Because I think you're abusing the system." (I warned you all, this is a rant post-I'm not even going to touch on my opinions of people abusing the handicap system.)

I kept my mouth shut. Why? I never know who I'm talking to on base when people are in civilians. He could have been some (a-hole) retired general who fought in Vietnam or something. He could have found out my last name, tracked down my husband and somehow got him fired. You never really know. So I evil eyed him every time we passed, and kept my mouth shut. There may have been steam coming out of my ears. I know this is a really stupid thing to get THIS upset about, but I hate disrespectful people in an area where there should be respect. Like I said, this is a military base and I think if you're in the military, you need to show respect and pride in every thing that you do. At least act like you care about what you're fighting for. Too many people are in it for the wrong reasons-but I won't get into that either today. 

This week has been exhausting. Now that I'm back into Zumba, finding sitters have been a nightmare. NIGHTMARE. I had a sitter I tested out, and she worked out great! I asked if she'd be available to help me out every Monday morning while I teach my class and she said yes. After the first week, she suddenly has this other family that she's watching weekly and can no longer help me out. Yeah, I found this out the Saturday before my next class. Two days to try to find someone new. I had another woman offer to help me out, but I'd have to drop him off at her house across base. I live less than a mile from the gym, so for me to drive an extra 30 mins roundtrip to teach my class would be ridiculous. I live near 3 daycares, but they don't take reservations for hourly care (so this one B*tch told me-she truly is a b*tch, but I don't have time for that story today) and I'd have to call the morning of. So that Monday, I wake up and at 6:30 start calling. The third place I called had an opening for Ryan thankfully. I got him in there. I found out this week, that if I call the Friday before, I can make a reservation for him on Monday at any  of the day cares. Awesome. I have him booked for next Monday there, too. 

That was stressful, but so far worked out. I just need EVERY Monday to go as smoothly. Starting this week, I'm subbing Wednesday classes at my other gym for a month. This gym has a child center in it that you pay for. First of all, I think if I'm paying for people to watch my children, then they shouldn't be allowed to come get me for a crying baby. If I get interrupted during my hour of ME time, then it should be free service. Stupid... anyway, Ryan HATES it there. We went to the class the last two Wednesdays to test it out (and even Thurs night as another trial run) and they kept coming to class to come get me. All he does is cry. I don't blame him-it's hot as hell in there (he's only in a short-sleeved onesie and he's still burning up) and the children in there scream like bloody murder. This child can sleep through dogs barking, but high pitched screams? No. And that's a problem when a hot tired baby doesn't have a place to just be a baby and be peaceful. 

So now I'm incredibly stressed that he can't make it in there because come Wednesday, I'll be teaching, and I can't just stop my class to go in there and try to console him. Plus, these girls are really young-they don't exactly know what they're doing. The Thursday night girl seemed to know, but he still didn't last. It's so frustrating when the one hour that is supposed to be for me to let off steam and stress and just do what I love is still interrupted by the sound of my child screaming. I broke into tears on Thursday after being fed up. I just want to get through one class without them coming to get me. What am I paying for? So ridiculous. And I'm not going to pay a sitter not only for travel time, but a higher rate than my employee discount, when there's one right there. I'm not going to jeopardize our financial plan just so I can work out on my off days. 

I'm not one of those moms who is going to give up her entire life because of her baby. Yes, my baby comes before me. Did you know that last week was the first time I clipped my toenails since Nov 1 when I got a pedicure back home? Yeah, I went over a month without clipping my toenails because I just didn't have time. There are days when I'm lucky if I make it out the door with my teeth brushed. My baby comes first, but it's important that I still get to be me. I worked on building myself up for so many years, that I'm not going to throw it all away. I'm also not one of those moms who's okay staying in alone with my baby every day. I want him to get used to being around other people and children and other babies. I don't want him to be a mama's boy who doesn't let anyone else hold him. I want him to socialize and realize that there's more to life than just me. I know he's only three months right now, and I don't want him growing up thinking it's okay to be comfortable with strangers, but I want him to know that he has options. And of course, I'm not going to hand him off to someone I feel uncomfortable with. 

Now my next stress is Tuesday night-I have a CPR course I have to retake for work (long story... I shouldn't have even had to do this) and it's a three hour course from 6-9 so now I need to find another sitter. I'm interviewing a girl today, and she's qualified on paper, but wants to charge twice as much as the other sitters around here charge. Ridiculous. I'm so frustrated with these sitters and how people are unreliable. Luckily, I have a friend who offered to help out as well. I'll see how the interview goes and be grateful for a backup. I feel like such an inconvenience though. I know people offer, but I still feel terrible. I hate relying on people for things. I'm a very independent person, but I know it's going to kick my ass, and possible lead to a heart attack one day, if I don't loosen up and let people help. 

Also, it's really dry in our house. My dogs keep running around then shocking me with their fur. Doesn't add to my stress levels. 

This week was one of those weeks where it really would have been nice to have someone around-whether it was my husband, grandma, auntie or my best friend. Someone that I care about and trust to just pass Ryan off and know that he'll be loved and taken care of while I decompress. Or even someone to just crawl into bed with and snuggle up next to and cry at the end of a terrible day. Hell, even someone to tell the exciting parts of my day to. Phone calls are hard, and at the end of the day, the time difference makes it harder-no ones awake. That really is the hardest part about living in Alaska-the distance. And it sucks because I'd love to make Hawaii or Germany our next duty station, but I need help. When Greg's a captain, I'm sure I'll see him even less (not less than his deployment, obviously) and I want to know that help is only a 1 day drive away, or a $300 plane trip, or something less than $1K or a drive through Canada. I love Alaska so much, but I also feel so remote and alone at times. Well, as alone as a mom with three dogs can feel.. 

I'm exhausted. Ryan and I may be sick. I'm definitely under-caffeinated. It's just been a bad week. This post has gotten rather long so I'll end on a list of good parts about my week. 

1. I FINALLY got needle therapy in my shoulder. It's been years of pain and avoidance of PT, but they finally did something about it on Thursday. It doesn't feel 100%, but I already have so much more movement in it!!! Such a relief. I'm going back in a few weeks for another needle therapy session. Can't wait. 

2. Ryan has been sleeping more in his crib. We start each night (and if we're home in the day, nap time) in the nursery. Sometimes he only lasts about 15 mins, but the last couple times, he's lasted a couple hours in his crib. We're slowly working our way up. It's a small victory :)

3. My dogs crack me up. There has been less garbage eating and less annoyances. They are just being little love bugs this week. 

4. Tis the season. I have a holidays parties for the next two weekends. All of my christmas shopping is done!!!! AND I saw our Kay bill in the mail-can't wait to see what my husband got me :) :) 

5. Met with our financial advisor and got our finances back on track. It's good to know that the decisions I'm making he supports and would also recommend doing. Maybe I should have gotten into the advising business. Or been an accountant. I like managing money. 

Okay, that's all for now. Like I said, this post was just a vent. It probably doesn't make sense because you don't think clearly nor rationally during a vent sesh. It's just better to get it all out on (electronic) paper than lash out at people in the commissary. Cheers my friends.