5.5 Meses

We are TWO WEEKS away from Ry's 6 month check up. Which means we are TWO WEEKS away from him starting solids. I know, technically we could start solids now, but I really want his 6 month bday to be special and exciting. What better way to celebrate than eating a banana? Ha! I cannot wait Although, I totally can because I love the stage Ry's in. Poop isn't stinky-at least compared to how it's going to get-he still isn't moving around or talking back. He's just a cutie all around and easy peasy to take care of. Sigh, I'll miss this so much. Every second that passes, I miss.  A few weeks ago, I was at a store carrying Ryan in his car seat and I passed a mother whose child started throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store. She looks at Ryan and goes, "I miss that stage." Poor lady. I really CAN WAIT for him to grow up. I'd rather a little fussy baby I can hold and soothe than a bratty kid who can't be consoled because he's stubborn. We'll get there one day. They all grow into bratty kids. I'm sure I was one at one point, and my mother loved me through it (I think..)

Okay you guys, I have a couple mommy fails to share. This first one is so bad, that I don't even want to admit to it because I'm worried someone will call child services. I knew the second it happened, it was a mistake. Here it goes: I left my baby with a stranger. It's not AS terrible as it sounds. I didn't leave him with some hobo on the corner to babysit or anything. It was in bldg 600 (the main army building where pretty much every thing you need to do, ever, is.) I was carrying my computer bag, the car seat, my diaper bag, and my child, who had a poop explosion all over his back. As I'm walking a woman offered to help carry my car seat. Actually, she insisted. She worked there (she had the official tag) and as we got to the doors, I told her she didn't have to carry it outside to my car because she had no coat on. She insisted. I said no no, really don't worry about it. She offered to hold him while I put everything in my car. LITTLE MISS STUPID here said yes. My car was parked right by the door and I knew the second that I gave him to her (I warned her about the poop) that I was committing a mommy crime. I still remember every detail of her face and the exact yellow short sleeve peasant top with mini flowers that she was wearing because I thought to myself, "if you aren't here in the next 90 sec when I get back, I will hunt you down and kill you." Luckily, I didn't have to murder anyone. She stood and played with Ryan even though he was a poop monster and all was happy again. And I will never do that again. Or if I do (which I won't), I will take a picture of them on my phone together before walking away. Come on Molly, Stranger Danger! I beat myself up over this all the time. Seriously, so stupid of me.

The next mommy fail isn't as intense. I gave up chocolate for so long because Ry reacted poorly to it. Well, with Valentine's Day, I fell off the wagon. Completely. I don't even really like M&M's, but that's all I've been eating for 2 weeks. I even ate M&Ms with tortilla chips (weird combo, but surprisingly good). Then, when Vday candy went on sale for half off, I bought a heart shaped box of candy. Not a small one, but the medium sized ones you expect to get on Valentine's Day. I ate THE WHOLE THING before my car even made it home from Walgreens. I turned into a chocoholic. And then I couldn't figure out why Ry kept waking up at 1, 2, 3am angry and not tired. Poor kid. I've finally decided it's time to avoid the chocolate again. It sucks. I'm going to miss it. But chocolate, we had some good times this month. Yes, we did.

This week's big baby accomplishment was sitting up!! He can't quite get over his big belly on is own yet. You'll see him clench his tummy and his fists while biting his lower lip trying to sit up, but he only just barely gets his shoulders off the ground. However, I sit him up with his boppy behind him and he just sits and plays as if his toys are totally new now that he can see them from up top. He's been working on his balance all week, and the first few days, I'd come over to him face planted into one of his toys, but I think he's pretty much got the hang of it. He's such a big boy!!! All sitting up and what not.

AND we've started moving him up into some of his 6-9/12 month clothes. Whenever I get close to the next size change, I start going through the next size up. Baby clothes sizes make NO sense. I grabbed a 12 month outfit of his because it looked tiny. I put it on him, and it fit. Then I put him in a 9 month outfit, and it was huge. So confusing. I start arranging his clothes now by what looks the smallest compared to his 6 month clothes to what looks the biggest. Why even bother putting a number on it? Those numbers mean nothing. And why do company's make baby clothes that shrinks? Really? I think we're at a stage of life where manufacturers should be able to pre-shrink the clothing and then sell it. That's what they do at Pink (VS). Not a hard concept...

Ryan created his first master piece this weekend. I put some paint on a canvas and sealed a baggie over it and let him smoosh the paints around (no mess!) It was perfect. He loved watching the colors move around and he got to explore what happened when he moved his hand over the paint area. And the result? We now have some new artwork for our wall :) It was fun! I  also discovered this website that gives weekly games to do with your baby to help with development. Such good ideas! Here's the site for any of you mom's out there with infants: CLICK ME. I got him to take breast milk off a spoon to start prepping for actual eating. He ate it like a champ, although his face was all scrunched as if he had no idea why he was doing what I was making him do. OH MY GOODNESS I love watching my baby learn. He's the cutest.

I'm just going to throw this out there one more time. If you're a mom... READ A FREAKING BOOK ABOUT IT. Do your research! I just saw another mom post on Facebook not understanding why her baby isn't sleeping through the night. And then, someone commented with a suggestion that isn't advised without the go-ahead from your doctor. So frustrating! We live in the age of technology where information is at your fingertips in the click of a button. If you don't want to buy the book I keep suggesting (What to Expect the First Year... whaaaaaaat?) then go to the websites and look things up through valid sites rather than FB friends. Being a mom isn't just about being around your kid nonstop and making sure they're fed. It's an active, ever-changing job that requires you to put in a little extra effort to make sure your baby is on track for health. I hate that incompetency is now being passed down generation from generation. Seriously, people do nothing but evolve our species into one that's more stupid with each passing year. And no one seems to care. Well I do, and I'm telling you, it's not going to kill you to try to read something to provide for your child. If you have time for TV and Facebook, then you have time to read. UGH. Anyway....

On Friday, we got a new addition to our family. A new truck. We're supposed to be moving down to GA in the next 2 months (however, we're still waiting on orders... let's see how long they delay this process) so we've been doing a lot of research trying to figure out how the hell we're going to get 3 dogs and a baby from one corner of the country to the next.. including a drive through Canada. We figured a truck may be our only hope, as long as we can get a topper for the back so the pups will have some space for their cage and to roam with our luggage. My hubby found one he liked and we got it. I have to admit, I'm not a fan of trucks, but this one is pretty sexy. It has heated seats, lumbar support (which, for my billions of back issues, feels amazing), individual heating, a sun roof, and lots of space in the back seat, cause, let's face it.. we're going to need to pack for 6 creatures to survive for a month without our goods. We need the space.

Other than that, life hasn't been too thrilling. We've been dealing with a legal issue for the past 8 months now with our old landlord. We had our trial on Thursday, hoping to finally have this issue solved, however nothing got resolved, so we have to go back in two weeks. Such a stress. I'm ready for this to end. It's consumed me all week and caused so much stress. On top of every day stress.

Yesterday, I had maybe 15 mins to sit down all day. Every time I went to sit down, either Ryan had a poop explosion, or he woke up, or he had another poop explosion. I was so busy that by the end of the day, I was ready to just sit down and watch the Oscars. After watching about an hour of it, I realized how much of my precious time I wasted. Seriously, I don't even like the Oscars. I don't care who wins best costume design or the music editing of obscure movies. And it's like the same 5 movies that I haven't seen are nominated in every category. I don't want to listen to people who I've never heard of's speeches. I only wanted to see NPH but he only got little snippets of time every 5-10 mins. I was so upset that I even wasted my time watching. So many better things I could have done with my rare free don't-have-to-be-a-mommy time .

Ugh, and now it's Monday again. I know it's going to be another long week followed by another couple stressful weeks. My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. I know this weekend is Fur Rondy and I'm so excited for it, but I also feel like I don't want to go wasting energy by having fun. (I'm such a drag!) I hate that my husband has to work all the time and that he maybe comes home in time for Ryan to go to sleep. He's been gone for 4 months. Seeing him for tiny snippets at the end of the day doesn't really make up for the time we've lost. I'm just wiped and need a break. I'm hoping these next couple days give me just that so I can at least enjoy the weekend. I think I'd be a lot happier if I knew I could have chocolate. Ha! Oh well. Until next time my loves. xoxoxo.

Ryan's First Valentine's Day

Yesterday was such an amazing Valentine's Day. I signed up for a 5K in the morning. With G home, I was able to leave Ry with him. It's amazing how much easier it is to run without a stroller!! I was so proud of myself-I ran it in 26 min and 55 seconds (okay, I tracked it on my watch.. it wasn't quite a 5K... we ran only 3.14 miles as opposed to 3.2) but that time is still so much better than my 5K times last year (when I was pregnant... maybe I shouldn't be as proud comparing myself to my pregnant self.) My score made it in the top 100 of everyone (I think in the 80s), and for females in my age group (20s!!! Keep in mind, this 27 year old girl was running in a group with 21 year olds without any babies) I made it at #11. 11! And no, it wasn't out of 12. It was out of 147. I've been doing this couch to 10K program every week. It makes me run 3x a week and I sometimes dread going. And I dread running. But when I finish. I feel amazing. And yesterday, I truly saw how much my hard work paid off. And that is such an amazing feeling.

Valentine's Day 2015. Post race pic

I told G that this year, all I wanted for Valentine's Day was to get my ears double pierced (because I am in fact a 14 year old girl). After the 5K, we went to two different tattoo parlors, both of which said on Google that they were open, but when we got there, they were dark with their "Open" lights turned off. We settled for Claire's (technically, the Icing) which is where I got my ears pierced for the first time in third grade (okay, technically, Contempo). I know some parents pierce their daughters' ears when they are babies, however if I have a girl, I am going to make her confront the pain of needles whenever she's ready to get them pierced. I want her to learn to suck it up and be a woman.

Check out those scores!! Woo!

That sounds terrible, but women go through so many pains that men don't. Think about it- we stick needles in our ears and young ages, we get waxed in multiple locations, we diet and work our buns off in an attempt to stay strong (whereas men are just naturally stronger and don't have to work as hard to lift heavy things), and then there's child birth. I don't think women realize just how strong of creatures we truly are. I think Alaska has turned me into a new breed- a nature feminist. When you come across bears or moose, yeah you can just assess the situation and slowly walk away, but when you come across a mama bear or moose with her children, that's when you should should start to worry-and everyone knows it. There is nothing more dangerous than a female protecting her young. And now, I completely understand women on a whole new level.

Love his sweet cheeks

Okay, back to my story. I got my ears pierced, we came home and just played with Ryan. Grandma and grandpa got him a new book for his collection and Daddy and I got him a stuffed animal (which is totally against my policy as gifts to get our son, because he's going to accumulate too many over the years, but I really just wanted to get him one for his first Valentine's Day gift). The pups got their box of doggy treats to eat too. We watched the Grammy's that we recorded last week, made lasagna, took Ry's prints (cause I'm obsessed) and ate more chocolate and ice cream than I probably should have within a 24 hour period. OH! And even though I told him I only wanted my ears pierced, G got me a box of chocolates, a kit-kat bar (cause I was talking about how I wanted one a couple weeks ago) and he made me this amazing video of pictures of the two of us throughout the years. I cried. It was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. He's truly the best. Probably one of my favorite Valentine's Days ever. I took too many pictures as a way to remember.

Kisses on the cheek

Other than Cupid's day of love, this week was a good week for us all. I finally got Ryan back on schedule to wake up at 5am (technically 4:50... EVERY DAY like clockwork) rather than 3:30. Huge success. I don't even care that I start my days early. I like it, I have time to plan my day and get things done. Now that Ry is getting closer to starting solids, I've been giving him utensils to play with so he will be familiar with them. He's been playing with spoons LIKE A BOSS. He will hold the spoon in his hand and just stick it in his mouth. I think he's going to be an amazing eater when we get there.

I've also been trying to get him to drink from a bottle. We haven't quiet done a full feeding just yet (although we have a sitter tonight, maybe I'll see if she can try before bed time), but I've got him to casually drink an ounce between feedings. Not that I want to fatten him up anymore than he already is, but I want him to get familiar with bottles as well. I started by giving him (like the spoons) empty bottles to play with, and once he got the hang of putting the nipple part in his mouth, I decided to put a little bit of milk in there to see how it goes (this was an idea given to me by What to Expect the First Year... seriously, they should just start paying me now for every time I mention this book). I didn't want to do it during a feeding because the book mentioned he might be too hungry and stressed to try to make an unfamiliar method work and to attempt giving him the bottle when he's not overly hungry and in a calm mood. Worked like a charm! He drank the milk in an exploratory manner and didn't freak out because he wasn't starving if he couldn't get it to work or dropped the bottle. Thanks, What to Expect!

Valentine's day tiger

Last Sunday, Ryan had me up at 1am. He fell back asleep, however I did not. Monday, my day was so incredibly confusing. I was a recovering Zombie and had no concept of what was going on. I had to teach Zumba class, and for some reason, I forgot that my class was at 10:30, not 10am. I got there at 10am. Which means I also dropped Ryan off at child care 30 mins early. I was wondering why they looked at me all crazy when I got there. Such a face palm day. At least I was early rather than late. Which reminds me... SO many people told me, "Forget about being on time, babies make you late." Umm.. I've been late TWICE since I've had this kid. And one of those times was 1 min late and the person I had the appointment with was even later, so it didn't even count. I hate when people use their kids as a constant excuse to be late. Yes, I understand that there are days when I'm about to leave and Ry decides to have a giant poop explosion just as I'm putting him in his car seat (that was the second time I was late, and by 2 mins). But that's a once in a while thing. Babies don't make mom's late. Mom's are late because they don't value being on time. It's really not that hard to figure out how long it takes you to leave the house with a baby and give yourself the time to get ready. It's really not. So here's my new advice to new mom's. If you want to be on time to places, then it's not impossible to be on time. A baby will not make you late. Will you have those days where something holds you up? Yes, we all do. But a baby will not make you a late person if you care enough. Which I do. I hate being late. And I hate mom's that CONSTANTLY use the line, "she has a baby, she'll be late." Stop using baby's an an excuse to justify a person's bad habits!! Just admit that you're a late and inconsiderate person! People...

Hand prints. Probably would have turned out a little better had I not had 2 glasses of wine beforehand

Another vent (you can skip this paragraph if you're sick of my complaints). I mentioned I run 3 times a week trying to train to run a 10K. I run at Hangar 5, which is an old hangar on base that was turned into a 24hr workout facility that anyone can use. It has weights, machines, and a track. And best of all, you can take your kids there to just run around and do whatever while you work out. If I wanted to lift weights, I can take Ryan and just set his carseat down while I workout next to him. As an active mom, this is a HUGE deal to find a place that is child-friendly. I love love love that moms can bring their children. However, there are moms that bring their bratty, irresponsible children and it pisses me off. If you can't teach your children to not run in the middle of a track or even not to constantly cross the track without looking, then I'm sorry, your children DON'T belong there. This isn't a place for kids, it's kid-tolerant and I hate the parents that bring their crazy children and ruin it for everyone. What if it becomes such a problem (air force still uses this hangar for their PT tests every week-I've seen kids almost get in the way of that) that they start to ban mom's bringing their kids? I'm going to be livid. And the thing is, it's the same mom that I see every week with her two children that just run free. They run into the track (I've almost hit them a couple times, my stroller doesn't steer well and they just dart out from the hallway where you can't see them coming) and they don't even watch. And she doesn't do anything about it. I've been so tempted to go up to her and say, "The track is not for your $%*@ing children! There are people here to train, this isn't a play ground. If you can't keep them off, then you need to keep them home." So irritating!! And then the other mom's with the strollers... okay, the outer lane on the track is for walkers. If you're walking with your big ass stroller, don't walk in the middle. Don't walk in the inner lane. Stay in the designated walking lane! So many moms utilize and appreciate this place and I'm going to be so mad if these few people ruin it for everyone. This is why we can't have nice things...

Here's my mommy fail moment (other than forgetting the time of my class): When I breast feed Ryan, he tends to get distracted and pulls away and just smiles at me. I usually "hit" him in the face with my nipple making playful "boom" noises. Pew pew pew! *Push my nip into his cheek* He thinks it's hilarious. Only lately did I realize that this might be totally weird.

My computer is near death, so it's time to stop writing for the day. Plus, I have laundry and groceries calling my name. Until next time! xoxoxo

5 Month Update

Before I begin, I have been awake since 1am because of my boy. With that being said, I'm still in high spirits because no amount of lack of sleep makes me any less excited to see his sweet morning smiles and hear his adorable giggles. I think I'm so used to sleepless nights that I've actually given up on the idea of trying to sleep in. I get excited when I hear Ry awake! Okay, so 1am isn't the ideal wake up time. He fell back asleep and I couldn't quite get there, and when I finally did, he woke up 10 mins later. Sucked? Yes. But my morning cuddles with this sweet boy totally made up for it. (Now if this blog doesn't make any sense, this is the reason why. I'm a zombie. Ready. Let's go.)

On Friday, Ryan turned FIVE MONTHS OLD. Holy cow!! This is our last month before I introduce solids. As weird as the whole concept of breast feeding is, I'm totally going to miss it. Before Ryan was born, I remember telling myself that I was going to "try to make it to six months" as if it's such a terrible, difficult task to breast feed. But now, there's no way I'm going to start weening him any time soon. I'm not dying to get him off the boob. It's honestly so convenient. Free food any time he wants it. And like every mother says... the bonding experience is a major plus. Now am I going to be a mom who breast feeds until her child is four? Hell no. My goal is to incorporate breast milk into his diet up until about 12 months if my body allows-whether it's from me or from pumped milk in a bottle. Either way, these boobies aren't going anywhere any time soon.

5 month old!!! 

If I haven't said it before, I'm going to say it again: What to Expect Your First Year is an amazing book. It is so informative and unbiased. Without it, I'd have no idea what I was doing. And the sad part is I hear so many other first time moms with these insane questions that I just want to say.. GO READ SOMETHING! I'm a part of a few Facebook mommy groups. It's great to have support from other moms who have been there before or are there now and can sympathize with you. And don't get me wrong, when I have a question and our doctor isn't open (why does everything seem to occur on Friday nights?) and our NURSES HOTLINE DOESN'T WORK (let's not get me started on that rant again... &*%$ing military medical clinics...) it's nice to ask, "hey, has anyone had this issue, and what does your doctor say?" and I get some feedback then do some research on what people say. I do this in my one "closed" group that is selective with who is invited (we're kind of a big deal).

However, there are groups open to so many moms that I had to leave because women just ask questions that should require seeing a doctor and then women give stupid responses. One mom answered, "well, it was okay to do while pregnant, so it must be okay to do while breast feeding." FALSE! Your body while pregnant is completely different than your body while breast feeding. Yes, you don't need to be nearly as careful post-pregnancy as you did before, but that doesn't mean you should just assume things are okay because they were before! We have internet in our hands at all times (because we're attached to our phones), free libraries, and calling your doctor and getting advice is free! Don't go asking complete strangers through Facebook what is or isn't okay because you're too lazy to look something up yourself. This is one thing that pisses me off. We rely more on people we have never met nor know nothing about than actual scientific research. This can easily lead me on a tangent about getting your children vaccinated, but I'm not going to step there today. (GET YOUR KIDS VACCINATED).

So this book...  it's such a great guideline as to where Ryan is with his development, where he should be in the upcoming month, things to look for, things to introduce, types of toys best for his stage of development, etc. etc. Go buy this book!!! It's given me so many ideas as to how to get him to sleep through the night (don't use last night as an example), how to start introducing solids (when we get to that point), ways to talk to him, and just so much other stuff. I feel like a baby expert. I actually have moms asking me what my tricks are. I read. I do research. I also get their daily emails sent to my phone and read the little articles about bath time and whatnot. I do my work! I don't rely on strangers. If something doesn't feel right, I call the doctor. I base all of my parenting off of research and science and guess what? I have one freaking awesome, happy baby who is very fat and healthy off of breast milk. I'm not trying to be aggressive at all saying that people out there are bad moms if they don't read this book. Not at all. But I think this book can relieve a lot of stress and take some of the pressure off of moms all over the country. People ask, "why can't they write about book about what I'm supposed to do?" They did. You just have to take time and read it.

<3

Enough about that book (gosh, Molly, you should just go marry it). A couple weeks ago, we had the BIGGEST POOP EXPLOSION thus far (I've dealt with worse, but not from my boy.) All up his back. And I mean all. His entire back was covered in poop from his shoulder blades down (I must say, Tide detergent works wonders! It all came out on the first wash). I brought him upstairs to his changing table. I have these cloth changing pad things that I used for the changing table attachment on our pack and play. I've now come to realize that they are perfect for poop explosions. I put it down under him and peeled this poopy clothes from his skin. As soon as I took his diaper off, it was like a dam broke. Poop just spilled out onto this mat in a giant puddle. I stood there with a wipe in hand like an idiot. As if one wipe even could make a difference at this point. And of course, my happy baby loves to kick so his legs soon became poopsicles. What do you do when you spill a glass of water on the floor? You toss a crap ton of paper towels on the pile and hope to absorb the water. That's what I did. I just starting throwing wipe after wipe at him with the hopes of decreasing the size of the puddle Ry was splashing in. All I did was wipe, toss, and repeat. When his body was clean enough to pick up, I folded up his clothes into the changing pad and tossed it aside. Cleaned the rest of his backside in the air and put him down to get him cleaned and dressed. Why didn't I just put him in the tub? Because we bathe together and I don't think there was enough time to strip myself down-nor did I want to have to then find time to shower to get his poop prints from my body. It was such a disaster.

I think the saddest part about this situation was that I was so excited for him to poop that I didn't even care about the mess. Ever since that green bean incident over a month ago, Ry's bowels have been off. He'd only been pooping once every 1-2 days. Last week, he finally started pooping once a day, and now he's averaging about 3 a day. It's such a success to have smelly diapers. The little wins in life.

I've had a few nights a couple weeks ago that I lost it. I felt like I just couldn't handle his crying for another second. Very few times do I completely break down, but these two nights in a row I just cried while he cried. He was crying simply because he was overly tired and refused to sleep. I 100% understand how shaken baby syndrome happens. As a parent, you hit that point where you get angry and want to shake your child saying, "Why won't you shut up???" Of course, I didn't do that. Although I did yell, "Go to sleep!" a couple times. Not the most productive parenting, but the Shaken Baby Syndrome movies they made us watch in the hospital basically said that you should find other ways deal with the crying, whether its leaving the room, drowning out the noise, or whatever else works other than shaking your baby. For me, it was yelling. I rarely yell so it felt good to just relieve the stress. It's not like I could just leave him home alone and go work out. And I don't want to drown out his noise. His cries are the only things that tell me if something is wrong. I felt like a terrible mother. I even emailed my husband telling him that I actually hated the sound of his cries and didn't want to have to do it anymore. But I sucked it up, held my baby tight and we just cried it out together until he eventually (60 mins later) fell asleep. These nights happen. These nights suck. These nights make me feel like a terrible mom, but they are normal and we all have them (I think). Obviously, I think I'm the best mom in the world because my baby is the best baby in the world, so heres my point: even great moms can have un-great moments and it's very, very okay. Just don't shake your baby! I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if something happened to him in the one second that I snapped. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Blech.

Eating his book/reading. 

I try to do 20 mins of yoga in a mornings a few times a week. I had an epiphany one morning while doing it. I have three dogs (one who is high-energy/high-anxiety, another who requires 9 eye drops a day, and an angel) with an infant in Alaska where I have one good friend (my others have all moved away by this point) and no family near by and a husband who was deployed. People always ask me how I do it. I never really knew. But I realized that yoga is the reason I get through each day with a smile. I breath through the stress. I bring calmness to the storm. I work hard yet stay relaxed. If you take yoga, you probably understand what I'm talking about. If you don't, then you really should. I think that is the key component to keeping my life together.

Another thing people tend to say to me is, "I don't think I could do it," in regards to my life. That always bothers me. Guess what? I don't $@&%ing think I can do it either. Do you think I chose to live in Alaska? Of all places to live, Alaska is not my choice. I absolutely love it up here, yes. Once we move, will I be back? Most likely not. Yes, I chose to have three dogs. There are days that I wish we only had two. Or even one. Would we have gotten a third had I known the expenses and eye care that Belle was about to endure?  Or even the fact that my calm, sweet Cato would have a puppy who turned out to be insanely hyper and anxious all the time? Maybe not. I would never give up any of my babies in a million years. I love all of them. But I did not choose the way things turned out. And can I sit here and say, "I can't do it" and whine like a little bitch? No. I just keep taking care of them. Keep putting drops in Belles eyes. Keep bundling up in the cold weather. Keep making sure everyone gets fed. Keep trying to make sure no one is bleeding or on fire or left outside or whatever else can happen in this house. I just keep going because I don't have a choice. So you don't think you can do it? Guess what, neither do it, but I don't have that option. I understand people use that phrase as a compliment, but to me, I just want to look at them and say STFU.

Puppy cuddles.

There has been a giant change in our life this past week. G came home from his deployment!! It's so nice to have him home, however it's not easy. The first couple days were rough. We weren't fighting, but we were bumping heads and we both didn't really know what to do with each other. It was kind of like we both saw each others point of view so we didn't want to start a fight, but at the same time, we both wanted to just continue our lives the way we'd been doing so. Me with my baby routines and schedules and G with his relaxing after work and time to just unwind. There were so many times I just wanted to yell at him. I really don't know why. He honestly didn't do anything wrong, but I just wanted to say, "THIS IS WHAT I'VE FREAKING BEEN DOING FOR 4 MONTHS WITH NO HELP. YOU CAN..." and then fill in the blank with whichever situation it was: make dinner. Change the diaper. Get groceries. Turn the tv off. Play with your son. Put up with the crying. And it's not like he objected to doing any of these things (like I said, he really didn't do anything wrong.) I think I just resent the fact that he'll never really understand what I've been doing while he was away and I want to take my frustrations out on him (which is wrong, I know. I'm not letting that happen). But he's never going to have that feeling of not being able to escape. If I leave for a few hours and Ryan cries the whole time, he at least knows I'm coming home and may be able to pass him off or switch it out. I never got that. And something about that almost makes me angry. It's not like G was off vacationing for four months and having fun. I know he was miserable too and wanted nothing more than to be able to come home and help. I worry that I'm just going to snap on him for no reason whatsoever. I really am so happy to have him home and I've laughed harder than I've laughed in months and I've missed having my best friend home so the last thing I want to do is cause tension over something so stupid such as female hormones.

Boys

SPEAKING OF: The new birth control I'm on.. holy crap. This girl cannot stop eating. Ever. We ordered a family sized papa murhpys pizza the other night. I ate half. It wasn't even just cheese..it had filling toppings like sausage and mushrooms and other stuff. I ate half. AND WAS STILL HUNGRY. I proceeded to eat cheesy bread and cinnamon sugar pretzels. My stomach is like an empty pit. I hate it. We're going to go broke if my body doesn't adjust to it soon. It's driving me insane. This is now week three of starvation mode.

I learned something this week. Mila Kunis' baby girl, Wyatt (Ryan's future wife) is wearing 6-9 month clothes at the age of 4 months. WOWZA! That's a big girl. Which means that if someone tells me how big Ryan is one more time, I'm going to use this little trivial fact to prove that he's not THAT big. At least Ry's still in his 3-6 month clothes at age 5 months.

Ry loves his daddy so much

Ryan's newest thing is fake coughing. He was sick a few weeks ago (if you remember from reading) and it's like ever since then, he discovered a new way to move his mouth and tongue and now has to always do it. It's actually pretty cute. He sticks his tiny baby tongue out (I want to pet it, like a whale. I don't.) and curls it up and forces this tiny cough out. It sounds like Zoolander. Totally fake and adorable. He's just such a munchkin. I want to eat him up. He also is discovering new sounds. He used to yell at me or his toys. Now he screams. High pitch screams and squeals. What ever happened to his sweet baby coos? They have been completely taken over by the sounds of a pterodactyl. That's what. gosh, I love him!

I guess I don't have any mommy fails this week. Just wife fails. If I seem bitter this post, keep in mind. It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been awake for 4 1/2 hours. Plus, I venting on "paper" (can I just start calling this e-paper?) makes me feel a hell of a lot better. It's no yoga, but it works.  I'm also aware of the fact that I have no transitions between paragraphs. Don't care. Need a second cup of coffee. LOVE TO THOSE WHO READ!